Primrose | REVIEW SHOP [ OPEN ]

✦ { Holly } The Wipe Out

Reviewer: lantea-

Client: ItsJustRui

🌹》  Title, Cover, & Blurb
Right now, it doesn't seem like the title really fits the story. It's a little weird that the title has a period at the end of it. There's a lot going on on the cover and it's hard to see all the elements. The title on the cover is small, I suggest making it bigger. The author name is very small and can't be read. The blurb could introduce the characters and the plot better. It's kinda short and while it does have quite a bit of information in it, it doesn't explain the story well and in a way that attracts readers. If Jeremy is only the protagonist in the prologue and Tyler-Ray is the protagonist for the remainder of the story, the blurb should focus more on Tyler-Ray.

🌹》  Plot
The plot of the story isn't clear and it is hard to understand. There is a lot going on with the plot and in the world of the story. It's mentioned that the book is post-apocalyptic fantasy, however, I don't really see the fantasy elements. Other than it's mentioned briefly that Cora is a wood elf. The exposition introduces the characters pretty well, however, it doesn't introduce the world. You mentioned lore is going to be spread out in the books, so if the readers were confused about something now, it'd be explained in a different book. The readers need to be able to understand the plot and the world in the story though. I'm not saying you need to reveal every piece of information now, however, right now there isn't really any information about the world in the book. The part where the gate for the camp gets broken doesn't make sense. The gate is a huge part of protecting the camp from the haunters and walkers. It's mentioned first that Virl broke it, which doesn't make sense with her character. Her main goal is to protect everyone in the camp. She's clearly very dedicated to the goal as she was willing to murder Tyler-Ray to protect everyone in the camp. Then it's revealed Jeremy fired a warning shot to stop Virl from leaving and accidentally shot the lever for the gate. Jeremy also wants to help and protect everyone, so it seems odd he would chance damaging the wall or hurting Virl to keep her from leaving. The part with Toko/Toto and the other camp progressed quickly and a lot happened there. Why does Toko/Toto know so much about Tyler-Ray and her past? The plot needs to be thought-out and planned more.

🌹》 Characters
As mentioned, the characters are introduced pretty well. There are a lot of characters and it can get hard to keep track of the kids. The characters are described clearly in the story. I liked the diversity in the story as well. The characters' personalities were shown pretty well, however, their personalities didn't seem well-rounded. A lot of them were one-dimensional. For example, Honey was mean and that's pretty much it. The characters also didn't seem very realistic. The kids didn't seem like kids though, they seemed older during many parts of the story. Virl hates Tyler-Ray so much that she tries to murder her and then does a complete 180 and is now motherly and protective toward her. There was no character development and nothing that showed why she suddenly cares about Tyler-Ray so much. Take the time to develop the relationship between Virl and Tyler-Ray so the change in Virl's personality isn't so jarring.

🌹》  Grammar/Spelling
The book really needs an edit. There are a lot of spelling and grammar errors throughout the chapters. There were spots where words were capitalized when they shouldn't be. As well many spots where the characters' names weren't capitalized. Cora and Naru's names weren't capitalized quite a bit. Cora's name changed to Nora in a few spots. Toko's name also changed to Toto and remained Toto. Be consistent with your characters' names. There were also spots where the incorrect word was used. For example, often "your" was used when it should be "you're."

Make sure to put spaces after commas.
For example, you have this part in the prologue:
There was a small..boy with red,long, dreadlocks,Amber eyes and dark glowing skin.

It should be like this (I also edited the other errors):
There was a small boy with red, long, dreadlocks, amber eyes and dark, glowing skin.

It was hard to keep track of which character was talking. Make sure to start a new line when a different character is doing/saying something. In the example below, there shouldn't be a comma after "he asked" it should be a period.
For example, you have this part in chapter 1.5:
Raymond was scared, he kept looking at his sisters bite marks and then at me.  "Will she turn into one?" He asked, "I don't know. This is new."

It should be like this (I also edited the other errors):
Raymond was scared, he kept looking  at his sister's bite marks and then at me. "Will she turn into one?" He asked.
"I don't know. This is new."

🌹》 Writing Style
The writing style is consistent throughout the chapters, however, the writing style needs work. There were descriptions of the characters, however, descriptions of the surroundings need to be added. The actions need to be described clearer as well. Use descriptions to show the readers what's happening instead of telling them. Also be sure to use phrasing that's easy to understand. The book is also organized oddly with the chapters and then the chapter and a half. The chapters are so short you could combine the chapters and chapter and a half into one. Or just number them one, two, three, four, and so on. Instead of telling the readers the time jumps (ex. "one hour later") and scene switches ("with Tyler-Ray") with a label, use a fleuron (like ***) to divide the scenes and then indicate the change in the narration. The recap section at the start of chapter three didn't need to be labeled separately. It could have been included with the rest of the chapter. I suggest moving the author note with the rules and the mature/sensitive topics to the start of the book. The readers should know what's included in the book before they start reading it. Also, this book is mature and deals with sensitive and mature topics, thirteen is too young to be reading a book like this. The image of Tyler-Ray's tail in the middle of chapter five isn't needed. It interrupts the flow of the chapter, especially since it's such a large image, and the tail is described in the story. The information about the creatures and world of the story you share in the question and answer chapter should be included throughout the story.

🌹》 Enjoyment
The story wasn't enjoyable and I wouldn't read on. As mentioned, the plot was hard to understand and it was hard to keep track of what was happening. There were a lot of spelling and grammar errors and it distracted from the story.

🌹》 Overall
Overall, the story needs to be thought-out more. There was a lot going on with the world of the story and the plot. The plot wasn't clear and was hard to understand. The characters need to be more realistic. Avoid sudden, drastic changes in the characters' personality. Show their development throughout the story. Make sure you're keeping the spelling of your characters' names consistent as well. The story also needs an edit to fix all the spelling and grammar errors. I'm sorry for the wait! Good luck with your story!