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✦ { Cadence } Children of His Curse

Reviewer: CadencePadgett0

Client: Tea-pots

Title: 4/5

It's a unique title and fits the story perfectly. A suggestion I would give is to capitalize the H for his and C for curse. Overall, it's catchy and fantastical elements.

Blurb: 5/5

It's short and simple. It introduces the character and the conflict nicely. Did a wonderful job on capturing the reader's attention.

Cover: 4/5

It's a beautiful cover! I loved how it's clean and easy to read the text. But one suggestion I would make is to move down the author name a little bit because it looks weird to be all the way to the top. And I don't think you need to include the word Author before your name. Overall, I love the design and did a wonderful job on capturing the reader's attention and the essence of the story.

Characters: 10/10

The characters were great. Nothing major about their development. I loved the internal conflict for the protagonist from the beginning. And the relationship he has with others. You did a good job on character development.

Plot: 10/10

I have nothing major about the plot. I thought it was unique and original.

Pacing: 7/10

The pacing is fine although there were times that felt rushed and confusing.

For example, in chapter two, someone was punished and got sent to another dimension. Then in chapter three, another character is ready to confess their feelings. It just didn't make any sense to me on why this matters in the story. I was hoping to read the protagonist's perspective after chapter two.

Overall, it was confusing and didn't interest me as much as I would have hoped.

World Building: 6/10

I felt like I didn't get to know about the world. It only focused on the characters, which is not a bad thing. But there weren't enough descriptions to be able to understand the surroundings the characters lived in. I suggest that you try to be more descriptive of the places that the characters are in. At least you did not info-dump right at the beginning. It's usually a common mistake in fantasy.

Writing Style: 5/10

I think the writing is bland in my opinion.

There were not enough details on what the world looks like. Or the characters. Most of the time it was just telling and not showing.

For example, in chapter one, you could've described the protagonist' sadness when he went to the oak tree and started to cry. Instead of just saying he was crying try to describe his sadness. For example, tears streamed down his face. That's a great way to show how he's feeling without saying he started to cry.

Overall, it needs more work and practice on how to make writing better.

Grammar: 6.5/10

I have seen many of the same mistakes in the first ten chapters. I'm only going to focus on the first chapter because it'll take forever to go over each one. And you can always apply these suggestions I made for all of the other chapters in your story.

When you write dialogues, make sure you also make a new paragraph each time a different character is speaking. Otherwise it'll create confusion for the readers. And note that there should always be punctuation after the character is done speaking. And another note, if there's only one woman then it should be woman, not women.

For example:

Original: "Do you want to try a new position?" the women asked "Sure" he said and the woman pushed him down on his bed and began riding him with effort.

Edited: "Do you want to try a new position?" The woman asked.

"Sure," he said and the woman pushed him down on his bed and began riding him with effort.

Then the rest of the paragraph is a bit confusing. I think it needs to be rewritten to make it more clear for the readers. For example:

Original: He tried to get into it by rubbing and suckling her breasts, it must have not been convincing because she stopped. "The hell is wrong with you? Yesterday you couldn't get enough of me of but today you can't even get hard" because yesterday I was drunk enough to think you were my wife he thought "I'm just suffering from a hangover and I'm tired from yesterday" which wasn't technically a lie "fine call me when you better, I'm going to find someone else who can actually get hard" said the woman and with that she got up, dressed up and left. He didn't have the energy to dress so he just laid there.

Edited:

He tried to get into it by rubbing and suckling her breasts. It must've not been convincing because she stopped. "What the hell is wrong with you? Yesterday, you couldn't get enough of me, but today you can't even get hard." 

Because yesterday I was drunk enough to think you were my wife, he thought. "I'm just suffering from a hangover and I'm tired from yesterday." It wasn't technically a lie.

"Fine, call me when you feel better. I'm going to find someone else who can actually get hard." said the woman. She got up and got dressed before leaving the room.

He didn't have the energy to get dressed. He instead just laid there.

Do you see how I broke up the dialogues into small paragraphs? It's easier to read that way than having it all one big paragraph. And have correct punctuation as well.

Here is one last mistake I have seen.

Original: He got out of bed and took a walk around his estate until he reached a great oak tree. He leaned against and started crying. "happy anniversary my love. I wish for you everyday."

Edited: He got out of bed and took a walk around his estate until he reached a great oak tree. He leaned against and started crying. "Happy anniversary, my love. I wish for you everyday."

Overall, it needs a lot of editing and attention. I recommend getting someone to look over your work. Or use online editing tools to help you fix grammar mistakes.

Overall:

I think it has a lot of potential with the grammar mistakes and needs to work on how to make the writing a bit more interesting. Overall, it was a lovely story and the characters are great!