Luka & Izzy

Ten: What do I want?

The feeling that comes over me when I enter the building is the same as the day Noah died, the feeling that I could jump out of my skin, that my skin is too small, that I am being squeezed everywhere, and above all that I cannot breathe.

All the memories are flashing before my eyes, one after the other.

I can hardly breathe.

I felt like I was running out of air.

As soon as I reached the door of the block, I opened it. I looked around but didn't see anyone until I stepped inside and just fell.

I don't remember what happened, I don't remember why there was a black figure in front of me.

But I remember opening my eyes and being in my flat, lying on my bed.

Luka is leaning over me.

"I'm sorry. ˝ I obviously don't have the energy to say anything more.

Strange things have been happening to me lately, maybe all these social gatherings, all these stimuli, are just too much for me and my wounded soul.

As long as I only went to work and home and isolated myself from everyone, I lived peacefully and happily, if you can call it happiness.

This is the first time I have collapsed on the floor. That I just ran out of energy because it was all too much.

It was too much.

Too much change. And the changes were stressing me out. And I don't like them.

I often wonder, given how stressful my job is, how many people have died, if I will ever change jobs, find something more peaceful and pleasant.

Probably not, because just the thought of meeting new people, of adapting to new things, stresses me out, no matter what it's like in this workplace.

Caught in a cycle.

"Don't apologise," Luka says as he eases the pressure on my arm. 

Since when do I have a pressure gauge in my flat?

Maybe he brought it from home, or maybe it's Noah's.

How much do I actually know about Noah?

I mean, we've talked, but it seems like it's just the things that happened, what about the past, the things he liked.

I realise I don't know much about him.

I feel like crying, but I hold back my tears because I can see how worried Luke is.

˝Luke. ˝ I call to him, my voice low. Like a whisper in the wind.

He doesn't answer.

"Luka. ˝ I say again, louder, to surprise even myself.

˝ Tell me, Izzy. ˝ Luke says, looking at me, waiting to hear what I'm going to say.

I look at him, just looking.

What was I going to say?

My head is blank.

˝ I'm sorry I acted so crazy at work this morning; I didn't mean to. I'm not a jealous person, it's not like me, but some strange things have been happening to me lately. ˝ I said, covering my eyes.

I'm ashamed, I should never have got involved with him, because it will be too hard for me when he leaves.

It's not that he's going anywhere, my brain obviously expects him to leave, to make the slightest mistake and say I've had enough of you and leave.