hatred.

- Worse without you -

* 3 months later *

Jasmines POV.

The last 3 months have been the worst 3 months of my life, and that's saying something. I have been drinking a lot and smoking a lot, i'm surprised i'm not in a bad way because of it. Me and Ona split up again around 2 months ago and because she cheated on me with the same American footballer she left me for after our long term relationship. It's all been going downhill because i've been hurting a bunch of girls due to myself sleeping around again. After mine and Ona's breakup, i've slept with 17 different girls, i know it's bad but it helps let my anger out a little bit. My most recent girl was a few nights ago, Salma Paralluelo. Yes the Barcelona forward, we were drunk and it was a stupid mistake never to happen again.

Me and my sister haven't spoke at all recently over these past 6 months after the last time i saw her at the game. This is because she moved away to America to study and get good grades and shit for the career she wants to achieve, i'm proud of her but lord to i miss her. I have been living alone for 3 months in a boring apartment in London, living off chinese takeaways and ready-made salads from local supermarkets.

On the football side of things, it's surprisingly been getting better. I've been focusing on maintaining my fitness due to my unhealthy lifestyle and it's paying off but it's time for me to actually stop with all of this smoking and drinking shit. It's physically and mentally killing me and it took me months to realise that. I have lost a few friendships at the club due to my temper seeking back in, it was calming down throughout the world cup get away and the start of Arsenal but the WSL is like a battlefield when it comes to rival fixtures. I fell out with Lotte, Caitlin, Katie and.. Leah. It was all over me being pushy with them at training and in games that caused them to just not put up with me anymore, i've been practically cut off from all 4 of them and i am being left out of the squad because of that reason. I am still the best forward Arsenal could have at the moment, that's not me being cocky or anything but i've scored more goals that Alessia in 3 months than she has the whole season if the WSL. Me and Leah didn't really properly fall out due to my short temper, we stopped talking to each other because we thought it was best to stay away from each other but i feel empty without her in my life.

It's hard to put this in no other words than I love her. Leah Williamson. I fell in love with her quite a while ago but the more we didn't speak, the more love i've gained for her which is so stupid and confusing but it's true. The feeling of love is the feeling i've been trying to drink and smoke away these past 2 months after Ona.

I never loved Ona like i do with Leah.

Today is November 25th, one month until Christmas. One month to get my life together.

And i'm starting off by throwing away all my alcohol and cigarettes and vapes in my apartment. And that is what i do. I get up out of my bed and clean the whole apartment and make sure every temptation of my drinking and smoking again is gone.

I'm going to move out and get a house instead soon, i'm financially stable and i can afford to buy a house which is a head start. It is a good idea because i can make a fresh start and grow my independence there. I have in fact been looking for some and there's a house around 5 minutes drive away from Katie's on sale which looks rather nice aswell, and it's not the expensive.

After i cleared out the apartment from anything tempting me of that, i grab a bottle of water and completely down it in one and i get ready for training shortly after.

I am going to try make up with the 3 teammates and obviously attempt at speaking to Leah about everything when i get to the training ground.

I go to the bathroom and wash my face, i take a look at myself in the mirror for a good few minutes. I can tell i'm not doing well at all, my eyes are dark and there's no life in my face anymore, my tanned skin is dull as well and my brunette hair is damaged. I look at the time and see that i have got an hour and a half until training. I'm going to get into the shower and do a proper self care session.