through it all, there was you ↠ conrad fisher {2} (on pause)

f i f t e e n

My dreams were of my fears tonight. I wish I could say I'm all in with Conrad, but it's like dating a ghost. Hot one minute, cold the next, the back and forth is really draining. I'm just so done with wondering what I mean to him, I just want him to fucking do it all the time. As I lay here, with my body wrapped around his — I can't sleep, so I stare at the ceiling. Thinking. About us, about my future, and if this is what I really want.

I can't picture a happy future with him because all I have are memories of us from a short summer romance. Everything after that was a blur of textless nights of me staring at the phone, waiting for him to call for the third night in a row like he promised. He never called. Trips he said he'd make, he never even called to let me know he wasn't coming.

If it was anyone else, I wouldn't let them treat me this way, but this is Conrad Fisher. The boy of my childhood dreams. But maybe that's it, it's my childhood dreams. As an adult? maybe my expectations have changed but for damn sure I know I want something real, something stable — and this feels anything but. I just want something easy, because love shouldn't be this hard. It's so draining. Really, and now i am wondering if i really love him or I'm comfortable with him.

       Of course I love him, but honestly at this point i don't know who he is so how can I even love him? My head starts going in all directions with so many possibilities that I know if I stay here one more second I'm going to lose my mind. Slowly slipping out of his arm, I make my way down the steps into the kitchen.

       "Can't sleep either?" A deep voice calls out from the living room and I practically jump out of my skin.

       "Jeremiah!" I whisper scream, "you fucking terrified me!"

        He shakes his head, laughing at me. "Sorry. I thought you saw me."

       "I would have said something to you if I saw you," I point out.

       "True, but you okay?" He asks.

        I shrug, not really wanting to get into it with him right now. "Next question."

        "Want to play uno?" He asks, and in what feels like forever Jeremiah has come to the rescue. God, I have missed him so much.

        "I thought you'd never ask," I say skipping over to the couch. The water I was going to get long forgotten, I jump over the back of the couch and land practically in his lap. "Oops, sorry," I chuckle as he shoves me off.

       "Personal space please, hello," he says jokingly.

         It's all fun and games now but I think he's forgetting how competitive I am. "We playing stacks?" I ask grabbing the deck beginning to shuffle.

       "Uh, what is stacks again?" He asks and I gasp.

        "Do you not remember the 2014 uno tournament rules?" I gasp.

        He smiles sheepishly, "no?" He says hesitantly.

        "Jeremiah Fisher, what have you done without me?" I ask.

       He flashes me a grin, "I have no idea," he says and it comes out soft whisper.

        "You're not going to like me much after we play, just saying."

       "I already don't like you much." I chuck a pillow at him which he dodges. "Kidding."

        I finish dealing, and grin when I see my cards. "Who first?" I say wiggling my eyebrows.

         "Ladies first," he says but when I don't move to go, he gives me a look.

        "You said ladies first, I was waiting for you to go," I tease.

        "You're not funny," he says but I can see he's holding back a smile.

        "Fine," I sigh. "You have no humor," and I go to place down a plus two card.

       He gapes at me, "already?! Hm, I see how we're playing this, it's on Claire-bear. It's so on."

*  *  *

      When I wake up there is a crick in my neck. I'm laying super uncomfortably on the couch. Jeremiah is taking up the entire thing so I have barely any room and his feet in my back.

       I fell asleep sometime between 3am and 4am I passed out. I remember seeing the clock at 3:17am and next thing I know, the sun is blinding me. Jeremiah and I played five intense rounds of uno before he called it quits when I beat him three out of five times. We started watching the office before he quickly fell asleep. I fell asleep maybe an episode or two after him. Not that I was fully coherent during those episodes I watched. Very much delirious at that point.

        I groan, wanting a real bed and stand up, taking my blanket with me as I walk upstairs to mine and Conrad's room. I saw that it was 6:47am, and I was so ready to fall back asleep.

       When I make it to the room, soft snores till the silence. Conrad is holding a pillow closely, I'm sure assuming it's me. I'm surprised he didn't realize I was gone, he normally doesn't sleep this hard.

        I slip into bed, and his arms instantly find me, leaving the pillow he was cuddling on the floor. I sigh, resting my head on his chest. His scent fills my lungs and the way I instantly relax into his touch lets me know that my anxiety was getting the best of my thoughts last night. I love this boy. There is no way in hell I don't.

_________
authors note:

lol long time no see. sorry i fell off the face of the earth 😂😭