The Beauty of Pain

Chapter 16

                                  ***

Luca

I think the hardest part of losing someone, isn't having to say goodbye, but rather is how to learn living without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that left inside your heart when they go.

And what hurt most is knowing they are not coming back.

I wish she is just mad at me like what she used to be. Hiding when mad. Avoiding me at all cost and when she saw me  she will hit me because she is so damn mad, bent all her anger at me. Worst, the one I hated the most. Abstinence. Yah, sexual abstinence. He will not allow it when she is mad, until I go crazy. She love doing that to me.

That what she is. And I love her for that. I love her most when she's mad at me. She was real, fierce and the softest woman I know. The only woman I will ever love.

"Bro! Okay ka lang." It was Liam. He is in my house sa Antipolo.

I'm a liar if I say I am. Kaya hindi ko siya sinagot at tiningnan lang. How can I be okay?

"Neh, neh... Neh!" Damn! My daughter is crying again.

"Bro! Umiiyak na si Calla. Ayaw tumahan sa yaya." Sigaw ni Liam.

Natauhan ako bigla sa kabila ng pagkatulala. Napapikit at napahilamos sa aking mukha. Gusto kung mag-isip kung ano ba ang dapat kung gawin. If only she is here.

I don't have any idea how to care for a baby. I have Manang Emma with me pero matanda na siya. Ayoko naman siyang paalagain kay Calla.

Sa dami ng responsibility ko at mga dapat pang gawin I don't know kung ano pa ang uunahin ko. And now my daughter. As much I want and trust Caily'd parents to take care of her hindi ko kaya. She is the only living memory of the woman I only love. Kahit wala sa plano ko pa ang magkaanak for now. I love her and I promise to take good care of her.

Tumayo ako at kinuha ko ang aking anak sa crib. She was crying. I pity her because she wasn't able to experience direct breastfeeding. She is drinking breastmilk but from another mother. I purchase screened breastmilk from MMH, Allen's Hospital. It is pricey but worth it as they call it the golden milk.

"Hey, sweety. What's wrong? Are you hungry?" She stopped crying and look at me. Then suddenly tears started to fall from my eyes.

Looking at her is like I am staring at Caily Lane. Her eyes. Halos wala atang namana sa akin ang anak ko. She is a refelction of her mother. Even the way she stares. Kaya kahit magmaldita 'to paglaki I wouldn't mind.q

Oh God! How can we live without your mom, sweety. Even me I don't know how. I have many what if's in my mind. But all those are not important anymore the moment she was gone.

"Please. Help me to be strong. You are now my strenght. I promise I will love you and I will protect you at all cost." I hugged her tight. And I didn't stop crying. I never cried in my whole life. Only the time Caily was gone and now knowing that she is not really here. I am having a hard time to accept it.

I felt Liam tapped my shoulder. I know my friends are always there for me. One call away.

"Bro, we are always here. Remember that." He whispered.

I just look at him and nodded. Nakita ko rin si Manang Emma na umiiyak. She started to love Caily. Itinuring na rin niya na parang anak. I know she is hurting knowing that I am hurting too.

Calla touched my face with her little hand. She smiled at me. Hindi ko rin maiwasan hindi matawa. As if she is telling me not to worry and everything will be okay. Gumaan din ang aking pakiramdam.