When I wake up, it takes me a few seconds to regain my bearings. I don't open my eyes at first, convinced that if I just kept them closed I can fall back asleep and maybe Sky would be waiting there for me. Then I noticed a few things. 1. I can't feel Tyler holding me anymore 2. I can see flashing lights from behind my eyelids and 3. I hear sounds like cars passing by. I open my eyes quickly, waking up faster than I ever have in my life.
The lights are coming from cars driving by me at 70 miles per hour. I'm on the side of the highway, right next to an exit sign and I just sigh and let my head fall back. How did she know? How do I keep doing this in my sleep? I have got to know what I'm doing. You don't just sleep-drive down the highway at 3 am. I could have seriously injured someone. Again. I sit for a little while and try to figure out what to do and all I can do is just think of more questions I have. How could Tyler just let me walk out of the house? How was she there? But she said she wasn't. But I hugged her. Wait. Does Ty even know I'm gone?
As if he felt his queue, my phone rings and its him. When I pick it up, he doesn't even give me the chance to speak before he starts whisper-yelling at me.
"Where the hell are you at? I woke up and you were gone which is extremely odd because I was next to you the whole time. I fell asleep and when I woke up your keys and car were gone. Are you okay? Do you need me to co-" he only breaks for a second and it sounds like he's dropped the phone because he says a barely audible "shit" and continues to mumble before picking it up again. "Do you need me to come get you? I'm half dressed. Where are you? As long as you're in city limits I can be there in 10 minutes or less. Ros, you can't keep-"
"Tyler! Shut up for a second would you?! Sheezus child! Calm yourself!" he gets quiet. "I'm fine. I'm on the highway about halfway out of town. I'm going to turn around and head back. I'll be there soon okay?"
"Okay. I'll be waiting by the front door. Tap on the glass, don't knock."
"Okay." I back up on the empty highway and take the exit next to me and head back to Tyler's house.
He opens the front door before I'm even out of the car. I walk in slowly and I can feel his stare on the back of my head as I walk straight past him and up to my room. I flop on the bed and he walks in behind me and flops down next to me. Its dark and totally silent for a minute or so, then I take a deep breath and turn my head to him. He looks back at me and we don't say anything. He turns his whole body towards me and props his head up on his hand and I look at the ceiling.
"Are you okay?" He asks quietly.
"Yes." But I think about my answer for a second. "I don't know." I look at him.
"You wanna talk about it?" His blue eyes look earnest and innocent and that crush on him that I've been nursing for the last 8 months hits me full force. Here he is in front of me, shirtless and just looking to help me and I'm over here dying because all I want to do is fall asleep next to him again and call him mine once more.
I roll over so I'm facing him and I get a little closer in the process. "I dreamed about her. I know I was sleeping and yet I still ended up on the highway. In the exact spot where she died. I could have killed someone just getting over there. I don't understand. How...?" I'm at a loss for words.
He lets his head fall on the bed and we are only inches apart, able to stare directly into each others eyes. "I don't know. I don't know a lot about this situation but I do know that you probably dreamt of her because you still blame yourself. In your head you're thinking about it even when you don't know you are."
I get quiet for a little bit and I don't realize I'm spacing off until Ty laughs. I focus back on his eyes and he's looking at me.
"What?"
He pulls me close and whispers, "you're cute when you're tired."
I let my eyes close and I laugh too. "So I'm not cute any other time?"
"Shut up you know what I mean."
I laugh harder and wrap my arm around his waist and let my forehead rest against his chest. "Ty?"
"Hmm" he mumbles lightly.
"You know you're my best friend right?"
"Yes. Duh."
"And you know know I love you right?"
He stops moving for a second. "Like...love me how?"
"I don't know. But I know I don't want to lose you again."
"Yeah. I know." We're quiet for a minute and he kisses the top of my head. "Ros?"
"What's up?"
"I love you too."
"Okay. Good." He laughs at my barely awake answer. "Don't laugh at me." my whine is barely audible and it makes him laugh harder so I can feel the vibration in his chest. I lean back for a second and poke his chest muscles. "When did you get so buff? These weren't here when I was around."
"Don't worry about it."
I let my head fall back on his chest rather hard and just utter "okey dokey."
"We aren't together are we? I mean like a couple?"
"Nope. Why?"
"I just feel like that would complicate things."
"Okey dokey, Ty. No dating then. Got it."
"Just for now. But I'm here for you. No matter what. Nothing will change that."
"I know, Tyler. You're my only friend. Who else am I supposed to trust with my life?"
"No one and let's keep it that way. I enjoy being the only one in your life."
"Okay. Jealous type much?"
"Just a little" he laughs lightly.
"How did we get here Ty? I'm a wreck and you're the super glue holding my pieces together. I used to be so strong and now I-" I choke up a little, "I can't even have a late night conversation without tearing up because everything is so different now. I lost everyone and almost everything and I can't seem to bounce back."
"You can't expect to just come back from something like that. I know of people who have taken years to rebound. It doesn't happen over night."
"I don't want it to take years. I want to be better. I don't want to be sad all the time. I don't want to have the only option in my head set as suicide. I just want it to be over though. I'm alone."
"You are not alone. As long as I'm alive, you are never alone. You'll get better and I'll help you. It'll be okay. I promise."
"I'm tired."
"I know. Goodnight Rosaline."
"Goodnight Tyler."
