Of Rooftops and Heartbreaks

It was ironic that the first time I go out of the house I immediately see her.

Sally finally convinced me to get out and have a good time to get my mind off things and this happens.

I'm not sure how but my instincts immediately kicked in when we walked in the club. The alcohol was just starting to do it's magic when I saw her and I froze. I must have been staring for far too long because she turned her head and our eyes met. By the look on her face she was not prepared to see me either.

She looked so beautiful and it took me everything I had not to take her in my arms and kiss her senseless to erase the past few months.

She was the first one to break eye contact when a girl with a drink in hand caught her attention. I had to swallow the lump in my throat when she smiled at the girl. The urge to rip the girls arm while she touched her overwhelmed me and suddenly, the upbeat music was becoming too much for me and I could feel the walls closing in.

I passed by Sally to tell her that I needed some fresh air and ended up in the rooftop.

I looked at the landscape before me and thought about my irrational fear of heights before. Now all I seem to do is find somewhere high and try to make sense of what happened to my life or maybe it's where I feel closest to her and I can spend hours thinking about her, about us and why we ended.

The answer really was simple; I was a coward. With all the big talk I made in the beginning of our relationship, I got scared when the stakes went high and I deluded myself into thinking that I was doing right by her, that I had the quick fix solution when I married David. It was bad decisions one after another and then I lost her.

I heard the door open and was surprised to see her.

"I'm sorry, I thought no one was here." She said turning her back to me to go back inside.

"No, please stay awhile." I pleaded knowing that this was good as any other time.

"I should really go back," She answered.

"Please?" I asked.

She nodded and I motioned for her to come closer. After a brief hesitation she finally stood beside me and we both stared at the skyline. I had so much to say but all I kept thinking about was this distance between our bodies and how I missed her more now even if she's just inches away from me.

"Jade, I need to go." She said breaking the silence and I swear I can hear the hint of disappointment in her voice.

I watched her turn away from me and then the words came.

"I'm sorry." I half shouted and sobbed which stopped her from her tracks.

"I'm sorry I'm a coward and I regret not fighting for you." Months worth of heartbreak are now pouring from my eyes.

She turned around and she was also fighting back tears. I wanted so much to cross that space between us, so that I can finally feel whole again. But her words stopped me on my tracks.

"Jade, please don't do this. I'm just starting to piece my life back together." She said, her voice pleading and I can feel my heart shatter into a tiny million pieces again.

How did we end up here; this place where the pain never lets up and with only half chances and heartbreak?

I finally cross the distance between her and me and took her in my arms. All our guard are now down and our souls both laid bare to each other.

I could not tell where I ended and she began, all I knew was she was finally in my arms and although I knew it was fleeting, that we would soon have to let go and start the cycle of hurting and longing again. My skin reveled the feel of hers against mine and I wished that this space in time would last forever.

I took her face between my hands, with my forehead against hers and breathed her in. I closed my eyes to take in her intoxicating smell. I wanted to close the gap between our lips badly and drown in her.

"Jade..." she said and the sound alone breaks my heart.

"Shhh...I just want to hold you for a bit please." I begged her.

She let go of my face that she was also cradling and embraced me fully.

After a while, she had her back against me while we both stared at the bright lights from the skyline.

I never want to let her go but all I could think about is the mess we were both in. I was still married, trapped in my family, in my doubts, in my fears.

I don't deserve her not by a long shot but here in our own little world I can pretend everything is alright in our world.