Surviving

one

August 20th, 2004

"Mom, mom it's my birthday!" I yell from my bedroom, jumping up and down on the squeaky mattress which is no doubt ridden with rusted springs.

My little feet hit the wooden floorboards beneath me and I take off running for my mom's room. It's just mom and I in this small apartment. Mom works a few jobs to help us keep the place, even though it's beat down and dirt infested. It's home though. My mom always taught me to be grateful for what we have. Yes we don't have a lot, but we have a roof over our head and we manage to have food on the table most nights. We're lucky.

Peering into my mom's room, I see her lying under a bundle of covers. How can she still be sleeping?! Normally on my birthday, I wake up to the smell of mom's special pancakes. She's yet to tell me what's in the recipe, but always says that when I'm old enough she'll teach me how to make them. So to say that it's weird for mom to still be asleep on my birthday is an understatement.

"Mom" I say, bouncing my body up and down on the empty side of her bed in an attempt to wake her up.

Nothing.

"Mom, come on. Get up mom" I say, starting to feel slightly scared that she hasn't gotten up yet. I never really thought of my mom as a deep sleeper, but then again I wouldn't know because I always went to bed before she did, and she was awake before me.

I grab hold of the covers and tear them away from her body and the sight that greets me is something that will forever be engrained in my mind.

"Mom?!" I yell, violently shaking her lifeless body.

Her lips are a dark shade of blue, almost purple. Her eyelids are swollen shut, and her skin...her skin's ice cold. I may only be twelve but I know death when I see it. Tears escape my eyes as I continue to try and get her to wake up even though I know there's no point. I can't lose my mom, she's the only person I have in my life. She's my everything. I can't survive without her.

"If there's ever an emergency, you get to that phone and dial 9-1-1, you hear me Demi?"

Mom's words echo through my mind as I cuddle up into her chest. I don't want to call them though. If I call them, they'll take her away and I don't know what'll happen to me. So instead, I clutch onto my mother's lifeless body hoping and praying to hear her heartbeat against my ear. There's no beat, no sign of life at all, and I know that in this moment my life is over.

"Be grateful for what we have Demi" she would say, and I can hear her saying it now. But how can I be grateful when God took away the one person in my life that loved me? I've been left alone and I don't think I can handle that.

Hesitantly, I tear myself away from my mom and finally call the police. They arrive within twenty minutes of my call, along with a team of paramedics and detectives. They're all wearing suits and talking into walkie-talkies. It's terrifying. I haven't even changed out of my torn up nightgown.

My body is pushed up so hard against the wall that I can almost feel bruises forming. I don't want to talk to anybody. I want to disappear. Maybe if I push my body hard enough against the wall, I'll just disappear into it. My eyes stay fixated on my mom's body; the body that is currently being manoeuvred into what the officers call a 'body bag'. Wow, how creative.

"Sweetheart, can you tell me what happened?" a female officer asks me while slowly walking up to me, causing me to panic. "Hey, it's okay. We're here to help you, not hurt you" she adds, noticing my apprehension.

"She..she died" I say in a small and quiet voice. My entire demeanour has changed in the space of a few hours. I woke up as a happy and bubbly girl, but here I am now as a shy and reluctant child.

"I know, and I'm sorry you've lost your mom honey. Did anyone tell you what happened?" she says while slowly reaching a hand out to me, helping me up from the cold floorboards of our apartment. Well, our old apartment I guess. I doubt I'll be able to live here by myself.

I shake my head in response, not wanting to talk too much. She waits for me to say something, but I only lower my eyes to the floor. I want this day to be over.

"Your mother was sick in her sleep which caused her to choke. She passed out from lack of oxygen to the brain and eventually passed away. I'm so sorry"

My mom choked. She died alone. I can't help but think of what might have happened had I have been there. Some nights I cuddle up with her in bed and we fall asleep together, what if I chose last night to do that? Would I have heard her choke and be able to save her? Would she have choked at all?

"Hey, sweetheart listen to me. None of this is your fault okay?" the female officer says, almost as if she read my mind.

I lift my gaze to meet hers but am caught off guard by the paramedics carrying my mom's body away on a stretcher. Panic runs through my body as I watch her being taken away from me. No. No I need my mom. She can't go. I need her.

"No! You can't take her!" I scream as tears burn my skin. I try and run up to the stretcher in an attempt to bring her back to me but the female officer holds me back. "Let me go! I need her. Mom, mom don't leave me!"

They don't look back, and before I know it they're gone. I collapse onto my knees, the female officer still holding onto me but with less force this time. She rubs my back gently as I continue to sob.

"You promised me!" I try and yell, but it comes out as more of a broken cry. "You promised you wouldn't leave me.." I whisper, clutching onto my nightgown.

"Come on sweetie, lets get you changed and packed up" the officer says while lifting me up from the floor.

It's almost as if I've died as well. I've got no energy left at all. I feel weak. The officer helps me change into some warmer clothes before handing me a black zip bag.

"We won't be coming back again" she says softly, her eyes sad "so grab anything you want to take with you and then we'll have to go"

The lump in my throat only causes more pain as reality hits me. Mom's gone. She's gone and I have to go and live somewhere else. I don't want to leave the one place that still holds my mom's presence. We've made memories here; from making pancakes and dancing to our own music, to late night cuddle sessions where she would tell me that one day I'm gonna change the world. I don't want that to end. I don't want to leave.

"Can't I just stay here?" I ask, my voice quiet and shaky. The officer gives me a sad smile and shakes her head at me.

"I'm sorry, you can't live alone until you're eighteen. Now come on, I'll help you pack"

Rummaging through my mom's jewelry box, I grab her wishbone necklace that was handed down to her by her mother. I also took my favorite shirt of my mom's; along with a few other things I'd rather keep a secret between mom and I. After I was done, I meet the officer at the front door of the apartment and she takes the bag from me since I'm clearly struggling to carry it.

"This was left beside your mother's bed for you, happy birthday sweetheart" the officer says, sending me a loving smile which I don't return. Instead, I clutch onto the small box that's been decorated in colorful wrapping paper, topped off with a bow.

I don't open it, I can't open it. Mom should be here to see the look on my face when I do, and she's not. This is the last thing my mom will ever be able to give me, and I'm not ready to let go of that yet.

Glancing back at the apartment, I let out a shaky sigh before the officer leads me down the staircase and to the police car. Quickly climbing into the backseat, I try to avoid looking at anything other than the sky through the car window. I'd like to think that mom's already up there watching over on me - protecting me - but I can't get rid of the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me my life has changed forever, and not in a good way.

"Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to Demi, happy birthday to me" I sing to myself under my breath, still holding tightly onto my mom's present.

"I love you, mom"