Chapter 10 | White Doves Make Fine Crows
[Song of choice: Betty Who // All of You]
The moon is high in the sky when I wake up; it is a crescent sliver surrounded by ghoulish clouds. Rani's bedroom wears moonshine like a sheer silver dress-everything shimmers when I blink into the shadowed darkness. She is still fast asleep, breathing so softly I have to cup her cheek to check if she's still warm and alive. Asleep, she's thinner than ever. I wonder if Jack notices the sharp ridges of her spine and her jutting cheekbones. I wonder if he realises that the brightest lights cast the darkest shadows.
It's in that moment that the guilt catches up to me, a brick sandwich, shattering my teeth. I've been running for many days, avoiding Jack in class, dodging him in the hallways, skipping school to burrow under my duvet for days on end before surfing the night with Rani. This afternoon, Sam poked her head into my bedroom to ask me if I was going to come downstairs for lunch. I couldn't speak because the guilt hurt so bad. Usually, on Sundays, we eat together as a family. I couldn't even open my eyes to let her know that I was awake. She assumed that I was asleep and left a moment later to check up on Lucas who hasn't left his room much, either.
Sometimes I find myself selling lies and thinking up excuses just to convince myself that whatever affair I'm having with Rani is justified. With my head propped up, I stare intently out of the window in class and fabricate lies until the blanket I've woven is so heavy that I can't breathe anymore. Rani has managed to pull me into a dangerous game. There are no rules, only thousands of consequences to pay for. It isn't the consequence that scares me most, it's what Jack will think when he finds out that I'm the person that Rani has been forsaken for. I'm scared, but it's a terrible delight.
That night, when Rani lets out a soft snore, I bolt upright with a knot metastasizing in my stomach. I wriggle free and keel over, bile burning up throat, a worse burn in my eyes. Being with her feels good until the high wears away and I'm left with a shell casing of the person I started with. She's eating away at my insides, eroding my chest like rushing water in a cave over the course of a thousand years.
I blink rapidly to ease the burn in my eyes, thrusting my leg into whatever trousers I can find. My shirt is somewhere. I make do with a hoodie on the floor, jamming my feet into my boots. I stumble through Remington Manor like a zombie, desperate for a way out. I think I may have bumped into Tate on the way out but my eyes were burning too much to see through. I can't cry; the fire in me has dried out everything.
My sanctuary in Rani's arms is harder to escape than her labyrinthine mansion. Corridors stretch on like mazes, there are dead ends everywhere. Eventually, I grow tired and give up on finding the front door. It takes me quarter of an hour to find a window that isn't locked. The jump from the second floor sends a jolt of pain through my ankle but I make it to the iron gates. A flash goes off somewhere. I climb like a puppy pawing a wall, losing my foothold on the way down and plummeting onto a bed of grass. Three more flashes go off. I break out into a sprint, only stopping to throw up on the kerb.
When I get home, Sam is the first person to open the door. I don't know how long I've been running. I don't remember falling but there are scratches on my palms. She sees my face and cries out, holding the back of her hand to my sweaty brow. I throw up again in the flower pot before booking it upstairs to my bedroom. My body catapults across the room and lands onto the bed, shoulders shaking.
"I did something really terrible, Sammy," I sob, muffled. Ash burdens my heart and I know that burns take a lot longer to heal than it takes to make a fire. I hate her, but I don't. There is no high when it comes to Rani Romano. Only a descent, a rapid fall; the more I go back to her, the lower I sink.
