the lobcorp fanfic of all time

The actual 'story' (purgatorium for readers)

It was the 29th of the 7th, and I was doing my thingy in the Lobotomy Corporation while I completed my 29th perfect work in a row with WhiteNight (I'm just that good) when suddenly the second trumpet sounded. "Zoinks!" I exclaimed as I rushed to central command. there I saw 12 guys who were sinners (I can tell (because I'm just that good)). "Wowee!" I exclaimed, "This must be some sort of Limbus Company!"

Upon hearing my manly man voice naturally they turned to witness my greatness and powerful aura. Some short yellow-haired lass saw me and shouted "Ho! Could it be!? Such a fair gentleman! I can feel his mighty power from here! He must be a Color Fixer!" and asked for my autograph.

I was about to autograph her lance when suddenly my phone buzzed, i checked it and there was an order from the manager of Lobotomy Corporation "Suppress the intruders from Limbus Company." "Aw, shucks," I said, as I punted the one I now know as Don Quixote into the stratosphere.

It only took a mere minute for me to whoop the Limbus Company into non-existence. I was about to beat up the guy with a clock head until suddenly a hand grasped my shoulder, somehow having managed to evade my omniscient senses. "Danteh," said the figure behind me, "Danteh it's time to turn back the clock. I'll deal with this loser myself."

I turned to see my opponent was none other than the Red Gaze, Vergilius Limbus. "WHAT THE SCALLOP!?" I exclaimed, as I grabbed my two EGO weapons, Twilight and Paradise Lost (I can use both at once (I'm just that good)) and clashed with him. Suddenly, light blinded everyone and we found ourselves in some sort of library.

"What in tarnation? It's like we're in some sort of Library... No, a Library of Ruina" I remarked, before continuing to clash with the Red Gaze.

After three weeks of non-stop fighting, the red gaze was exhausted while I was still well-rested. "What a pity, I was only using a mere 2.71828182845904% of my power." As I swung Twilight down, I was halted by a Mimicry blocking the strike. "Huh???" I turned around, saying "Bait used to be- IS THAT THE RED MIST!?!" as I came face-to-face with legendary Color Fixer Kali, An Arbiter, and some guy with a perception-blocking mask who looked wifeless. Apparently his name is roland.

"Gulp" I gulped as I gulped out of nervousness. "Hey guys we should talk it out instead of unga bunga violence, we are grown adults and civilized peopl-" I started, before being forced to parry a Shockwave from the Arbiter, Binah. My expression turned serious for the first time in 27 limbillion years as I locked in. "Alright... It's Lobotomizin' time!"

I met blades with Kali, clashing the blade Twilight against her Mimicry, all the while single-handedly defending strikes from Lady Binah and roland. Seconds turned into minutes turned into hours turned into days as we fought non-stop. Neither side had a single wound yet, and I thought to myself "Hmph... I guess I'll have to start trying"

After 3 years of just fighting against the three, both sides were wounded, but I was wounded more heavily. "Man this dont look so good" I commented, as they started to get the upper hand. Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head "Yo it's me Carmen from lobotomy corporation/library of ruina/limbus company you should distort yourself NOW!!!"

"what's a distortion" I asked, clueless. Carmen patiently responded "Distortions (뒤틀림) are powerful, monstrous entities in the City. They are former humans who have been overcome by their emotions, typically haven given into the lulling words of a charming voice heard by no one but them. The process by which humans distort is referred to as the Distortion Phenomenon." "Did you just quote the wiki" I asked, clueless. "yeah lmao" said Carmen.

"wait why would I distort that sounds bad" I questioned, Carmen replied "Well, you see," Carmen began, before delving into a 3-hour monologue, speaking to me about my present situation and prodding me into giving into my heightened feelings, using specific words meant to make me focus on my negative emotions. "-which is why you should distort" she finished.