I woke up early because I have someone to visit today before I head to the city. I'm also going to say goodbye to them because it looks like it will be a while before I visit them again.
"Toni, you're up early today. It's Saturday," said Aunt Sally as I came down the stairs. She was preparing our breakfast.
I smiled, "I'm going to say goodbye to Mom and Dad because it might be a while before I return here. Where's Junjun?"
She pointed to where Junjun was.
"There he is, watching TV early. He hasn't even taken a bath yet, he's prioritizing watching. Junjun, come here and eat," she called to her five-year-old son. "You, sit down and eat too."
"Oh, I'll eat later when I come back. I'm not hungry yet anyway. I'll just make the most of my time with Mom and Dad," I said while tying my shoelaces.
"Why don't you take some food with you? It's a long journey from here to there, and there's traffic too. You might get hungry on your trip," she said worriedly.
I approached her and hugged her. Since before Junjun was born, I was the first child she took care of. She treated me like her own child, so I am very close to her. When she got married and had a child, I witnessed the hardships she went through. From how Uncle Marvin hurt her while she was pregnant, almost causing her to miscarry, to the cheating he did, which affected her small store. After her business failed, she couldn't sell again. When they separated, Junjun was only a year old, and Aunt Sally didn't know how to support us. When she became a laundress, I helped her to lighten her workload.
Despite all the hardships we went through, she never gave up. That's why I love my Aunt Sally so much.
I suddenly heard her sobbing.
"Why are you crying now?" I teased.
That's when she started crying.
"I'll miss you. You don't have to do this, you're still so young," she said.
I understood her. But it would be a waste not to accept this opportunity. I don't want to keep relying on her. Honestly, our earnings from doing laundry are not enough to cover our daily expenses. Besides, I'll be in senior high school next school year, and expenses will be higher. If I accept this opportunity, our expenses will decrease, and I can help them.
"Auntie, I can handle this. You raised me to be brave and resourceful. Remember, our motto is 'No pain, no gain.' I won't be gone for long. I'll come back because this is my forever home. Wherever you are, that's where I'll be, but for now, one has to take one step backward first."
She couldn't say anything else and continued crying. I hugged her tightly, holding back my tears.
Aunt Sally allowed me to leave without eating, but she packed some food for me. She also asked me to send her regards to my parents.
Since it's the weekend, there were only a few tricycles on the street. I waited for a few minutes. I was almost at the point of walking when a tricycle with one vacant seat passed by. That vacant seat was meant for me.
We were a bit crowded in there. That's how it is in the province; the tricycle won't leave until it's full. You can really smell your seatmate's perfume, or worse, what they had for dinner last night.
Fortunately, I'm quite slim and not very tall, just the right size.
I got off in front of the old, rusty gate. Due to its age, it's hard to close, so it's always open. I wasn't the only one there; there were quite a few of us.
Since it's close to the church, some candle sellers who couldn't sell in front of the church stayed here. Of course, I bought five candles.
It was only a two-minute walk from the gate, and I reached my parents' graves. They were side by side. Sometimes I think that when I die, I also want to be buried next to my parents' graves.
Why?
As a soul with a woman's heart trapped in a man's body, no matter how hard you try to love a woman, it's very difficult. In our current reality, those like me who have someone who truly loves them are lucky because, in my situation, I've never experienced or felt that. Only my family accepts me, but society never will.
No matter how hard I try to ignore the negative opinions of others and disregard their hurtful words, there will always be something that breaks through the wall you've built as your protection, and it will affect you.
It's very hard.
I sighed to clear all the negativity from my mind before lighting the candles.
The flowers I brought the last time I visited were still there. I removed them and replaced them with fresh ones.
"Good morning, Mom, Dad," I greeted.
I couldn't help but cry whenever I visited here. Not because of sadness but a mix of joy, longing, and sorrow.
"How are you there in heaven? Your only daughter..." I laughed at what I said, "...is leaving Aunt Sally's care to work and help them. Mom, Dad, I didn't expect to reach this point where I have to look for a job to earn money. This is what reality feels like. It's hard but fulfilling. The courage, determination, and perseverance I inherited from you have taken me far, and I will go further."
It looked like my conversation with them would take a while, so I took out the food Aunt Sally packed because I was getting hungry.
"You know, Mom, Dad, I got a job in town. Aunt Isabel helped me get into her workplace. It's just right because they're looking for a helper, and she recommended me to her boss. She said they're rich, their house is like a palace, and they will even send me to school. How could I refuse that? But..." I suddenly felt sad, "...I won't be able to visit you often."
A cold wind blew, as if embracing me. It felt different, like being cradled in a hammock. It was very comforting and light.
That's when my tears flowed. I felt like they were around, listening to me.
"Mom, Dad..." I said while sobbing, "wherever fate takes me, I hope you will still guide me because I can't handle all the challenges in life without you."
