Down The Rabbit Hole And What They Found There - [Bang Chan, Lee Know]

I Like It

~🐺🐛~

"I'm home"

"Home home?"

"ㅋㅋㅋㅋ home home"

And I should be happy. But I'm not. What a new. Well, I'm happy, of course, I love being home, but...

After months of working without rest, schedules and sacrifices, they finally got a full month without having to work, only doing little things here and there for future projects. And after what felt like forever, he finally got to come back home. Sydney had never felt so warm. His eomma cooking had never tasted so good. And his breathing had never been so relaxed in... Years, probably. And it feels great to be at home, to spend time with his family, to see his old friends and play with Berry... But there's a worm. That fucking stupid worm, nagging on the walls of his brain. Like the butterfly had reserved their evolving and now it's... this. Chan knows that it's normal, that it probably was only to be expected for the amount of feelings they shared, but still... Oh, he also doesn't say her name now. Well, at least he doesn't say it in his mind, since there aren't that many occasions where he can say it out loud. It's just... "She". It's just luck that she doesn't go by any other pronouns, because his mind already struggles with replacing her name.

After she left, they didn't talk a lot (surely not enough, never enough), both so full of schedules that not even their old late-night video calls could ever help - not that any of them had ever suggested it. Oh no, now they are... Awkward. Chan rolls his eyes, scratching Berry's tummy more vigorously. Chan knows it's normal, but it doesn't make him like it any better. Sometimes he feels like he's about to scream, to yell at whoever dares give him a pitiful look, or to just joke about it. Scream at his own phone when he sees one of her posts or a TikTok that reminds him of her. Shout in rage to whoever at dispatch leaked the "Bang Chan has a secret girlfriend" news, and tell them that no, he doesn't, and he's way more disappointed than you could ever be for your shitty journal.

He wanted to yell at Jisung, sometimes. Not for kissing her, he doesn't give a shit about that (especially after Jisung explained to him, that no, it wasn't her that started the kiss, but him). But maybe if Jisung never introduced them to her that first time, now he wouldn't feel like there are teeth around his heart, munching on the muscle every time his mind slips to fantasizing about it. Sometimes he feels like he could yell at Minho, and he would probably take it, even taking him to the gym to do some sparring. Especially when he tilts his head to the side or laughs a little too loud, cause it automatically reminds him of her, and his heart gets a bite each time.

But it's better now, really. And there's no harshness toward anyone. Cause he could never be angry at her, and he could never think badly of Jisung. They had a really teary and emotional talk. Chan hugged Jisung tight, and they moved on. If Jisung showed up at the studio with snacks and drinks for Chan more than usual, he pretended to not notice.

Berry yapped, and Chan realized how he had stopped scratching the dog's tummy, too lost in his mind. "Ah, sorry, Berry," he said, getting back to work.

The worm kept crawling around his brain, even when he should think of places where to record the video clip for 'Eternity', a little side project to distract his mind. 'Maybe if I don't look at the worm, the worm would die', he thought. Well, it didn't work. The worm is fat, and Chan is against body-shaming, but that fucking fat worm-

Chan had tried to distract himself in many ways; video games, working out, movies, writing, making new music, even reading. But in the back of his mind, whenever he's enjoying something, there is the worm's voice, malicious and evil, ready to say something like: "She's probably a fan of this." And then Chan would throw his hands in the air and stop doing whatever it was.