THUNDER // phan

one

phil and dan were walking home. both their arms swaying. phil is laughing and dan flashes a quick smile that was obviously fake.

one look at him from phil, and he could tell something was wrong. he slows down his pace to find dan walking a bit faster. 

"dan, are you okay?" he asks. 

he doesn't answer.

"dan." phil grabs his hand. he stiffens at the sudden touch and walks faster. 

"dan." phil repeats, getting slightly annoyed. "is something wrong?"

dan lets go of his hand and starts running to their apartment. 

"dan!" phil yells. it was late so only a midnight car speeding by saw this scene. it was safe to yell. 

dan sprints faster, then phil's annoyance ends. replaced with concern and worry. he runs after him. only behind him by a handful of steps. 

they get to their apartment and dan sprints up the stairs. phil, knowing he couldn't catch up with him, jogs over to the elevator and quickly zooms up to see dan at the door.

he opens it and goes to his room. 

phil walks in and closes the door gently, as if the noise would disturb dan. he knocks on dan's bedroom door.

on the other side, dan was knocking over his stuffed animals and things from his dresser. he was throwing clothes everywhere. 

he takes off his sweater; revealing his black t-shirt, and slits on his arms. 

he punches the walls, and slams his fists against the door. 

phil, hearing everything going on inside his room, looks for the extra key to his room. 

dan starts sobbing. huddled in a corner of his room. covered in blankets. he had worn a full sleeved shirt, knowing phil would try to unlock the door. 

phil walks to the kitchen, and bumps his forehead on the glass door. he pushes the door away and looks through cabinets to find the key.

he finds it and goes back to dan. 

he slips the key in, and slips the door open. 

his heart breaks at the sight. 

dan, wearing his llama hat, is sobbing and has his fist on the wall. 

"dan." phil says. 

"i-i saw a car that looked like t-the one that-" he croaks out. 

the one that took his mother and father. the one that he was in. the one that left him with severe depression and ptsd for a year. the one that is the reason dan still has ptsd. the one that left dan broken. 

phil rushes over and wraps dan in a huge hug, letting him soak his shirt with his tears. 

"i-i'm sorry i didn't answer you before. i just got so mad." dan cries.

phil's chest aches. "it's okay. it's okay." he squeezes him harder. and they both sit like that, until they fall asleep. 

***

"mum called." phil says, looking at dan with concern. after yesterday's breakdown, dan seemed as distant as ever.

"and?" he says.

phil sighs. "she needs me to sign a forum for her at some store. she owes the owner some money and she wants me to pay."

"how much is it?" dan sits on the sofa bed. 

"about fifty."

"why can't she pay over airlines or mail?" 

"she doesn't trust the uk government with cash." 

"okay. go ahead." dan smiles. 

"i'll be back soon." phil grabs a coat and starts walking out of the apartment door. "i'll bring some pizza too."

dan sits there in silence. 

his thoughts racing.

his calves throbbing.

his tears running.

he switches on the tv, then watches some show on a random channel. 

the need to is too hard now. he buries his face in his hands and sits there, waiting for the urge to leave. 

it doesn't.

he rises and walks numbly to the bathroom to hurt himself.

he closes the door, even though he knows this will take a minute or two.

he flips off his iphone's lid and takes out his blade. the same blade she bought him for a back to school project when he was in year 8.

he takes off his skinny jeans, wearing grey boxers. he grips the piece of sharp metal, leaving a small line in his palm. 

he takes a shaky breath, feeling an earthquake inside his chest; and lashes a red line on his thigh. the slit cascades blood as dan does another. and another. then his arms. blood drips onto the tiled ground. red. everywhere.

he repeats the process. 

EDITED 08/03/2016