This I Believe

Untitled Story Part

“This I believe that everyone has a purpose to live”

    I remember constantly getting told I was fat, ugly, worthless, useless, stupid, pathetic, and I needed to die. These words first started ringing in my ears and implanting themselves in my mind when I was in the fourth grade. I was only eight years old and getting told these things almost every day. These meaningless words seemed to latch onto me and follow me throughout middle school. They were parasites of the mind, draining me of any self love and energy I had. By eighth grade year the words detached from me but the bullying didn’t necessarily stop. It was almost gone but the hurtful “jokes” continued on. People still decided to target they’re insensitive jokes towards me for no reason.

    All sixth grade year I watched myself get walked over, pieces of leaves and dirt sticking in my hair, clothes and skin. A protective shell wrapped around me and I became more reclusive.  Afraid to show anyone who I was or what I was going through. By the time seventh grade rolled around, I started hating myself and didn’t see a purpose for me to live. It felt like everyone hated me. When I looked in the mirror everything which appeared was  mistakes and a reject. My friends kept leaving me as well as my family. The pain that was welling up inside my chest grew so strong on occasion I spent multiple nights crying until exhaustion kicked in and forced me to fall asleep.  School work started piling up and school became overwhelming. I dreaded each day I had to go back.

I remember one night in specific. This certain week almost nothing but bad news came my way. Everyone in my house was asleep and tear tracks stained my face. I sat on my bed hugging my legs taking gasps of oxygen. School was the next day and it was already almost three in the morning. I wiped my eyes, my hands shaking and spreading the tears over my face.

    I felt horribly alone, screams bubbled up to my throat but with each gulp of air I pushed them farther down so they couldn’t escape. Some time during my late night controversy with myself I realized that I wanted to die and it shook me up. The thought terrified me but it was true. I Honestly didn’t see a reason for me to live and highly considered ending my life. I looked around my room for a distraction, anything at all and my eyes landed on my phone. I scrambled to pick it up and open my text messages. I clicked on a contact, someone I knew still cared. I sent her one simple message, hoping that she was still awake. I want to give up. She texted me frantic and worried. I explained to her everything that was going on. I told her how the names they had called me for years kept ringing in my mind repeatedly.  How no one seemed to care about me anymore. How everything I did ended up being wrong.

    She calmed me down and told me she needed me alive and well.  She reminded me no matter how far away she was from me should would always try her hardest to help. She assured me I played an important role in this crazy play called life. She said every persons role was vastly different from each others but equally important. That statement made me realize each person has value. Everyone has stars under their skin waiting to shine through, mine were just covered by so many clouds I couldn’t see them.Since the clouds foged my vision I ended up going down a dark path that led to my body being littered with scars with each having a different story behind them. Eventually I turned to my writings and music to help me through the tough times. Writing became my outlet and it helped me realize that I had a purpose. I started writing to let people know they weren’t alone, the problems they were going through were minor and I had gone through them too. I incorporated my personal experiences into my writings as well as more of my emotions.

    From time to time I still get moments when I want to give up. When the stress becomes so overwhelming I feel it pulverize my spine, leaving splinters of bone to puncture my organs. When all of the work seems to crush my windpipe until I’m gasping for air to clear my mind of the constant restrictions and deadlines I have implanted into my brain. The countless equations and scientists roam through my brain as I get time periods and formulas mixed up, some being forgotten. At times like this I stop what I’m doing, breathe, calm myself down before starting my work again.

I’ve noticed that in my life I rarely come across people I despise. At first I might seem harsh and unfriendly but I’m quite a loving person. I know this about myself because no matter how much someone annoys me, I’ve never thought someone should end their life. I’ve always seen some kind of potential in those who surround me even if I don’t like them. Everyone has stories to share with the world. Every person I meet has some talent which I notice. Even if I don’t vocalize my support for my peers and acquaintances I address it in my mind. Each voice matters. Each voice has the power to change the world. I hope to spread my message through my writing, reaching people all across the world. Who knows, maybe my words will have the power to save some like I was.