Try to Imagine

Fair warning this story is mildly inappropriate.

Try to Imagine:

​Once upon a time, you were on a cruise to the Hawaiian islands for your 'romantic' 2-week getaway. You are traveling with your 'soul mate'/ 'intimate' partner (Tony) when all of a sudden, the ship stops abruptly and is hijacked by pirates. Among them are Lynn and Richard. They demand free drinks from the bar and get higher than the Empire State building. They capture you and Tony, tie you up, and throw you in a closet, into which they also come. Suddenly Tony puts a bag on his head, his iPod blasting the Harlem Shake song. The door is locked, and you are stuck in a gloomy, dimly-lit, three by six foot space with Richard and Lynn taking up three quarters of the space by themselves. They were too busy to notice you and Tony were trying to escape. You manage to get untied from Tony and you're starting to pick the lock when Tony grabs you by the arm and says, "Wait! Play time!" You rip the bag off his head and slap him across the face. "Oh, feisty, are we?" he asks. You try to open the door and run. You get as far as a foot away and Tony circles around, dancing suggestively while stripping. He's trying to take his shirt off when it gets stuck around his pointy elf-ears. You are blinded by his furry chest hair but you manage to place a well- powered kick to his no-no square. He hits a high note you never thought possible. Your glasses shatter and you scream, "HOLY HIGH-NOTE!" You go and hide in your closet and find Lynn in her goat form, eating raw paper. You scream bloody murder and go and hide under the bed, but Richard is there, half-naked, fondling it. You run out of your room, and you bump into Tony. You manage to get past him in the hallway and he screams, "Run, girl, run!" Then realizing what an idiot he is, he yells, "Wait! We didn't make the full Harlem Shake video yet!" You look back over your shoulder and stick your tongue out at him, only to see that he is already stripped down to his thong and his socks. Your eyes burning, you don't know where you're going, so you run into a wall. You wake up in a hotel room, and don't know where you are otherwise. You get up and run to the window. You are seventeen stories up, looking down on the city of Detroit. Below you, there's a group of drug-dealers selling items off to Tony. Richard is preoccupied with Lynn as she points a gun between his eyes and screams at the top of her lungs, "YOU LIED TO ME! THOSE SHOES WEREN'T ON SALE!" She pulls the trigger and Tony turns around just in time to scream, "NOOOOOOO! MY LOVE!" Everything turns into slow-mo and you watch as Tony runs in to take the bullet for his high-school sweetheart. Laughing, you fall onto the bed, and realize there's something stringy beneath your back. You stand up, turn around, and see Tony's thong lying on the bed, still wet from his night-terrors. With plastic surgical gloves, you fling it out the window, and it lands on his deathly pale face. Lynn turns around, aims the gun at you, but you jump from the window and you land in the pool seventeen stories below. Richard comes up to you and says with great passion, "It was a love-triangle. But, since Tony is dead... I just need to pause to glorify this moment... I've been waiting such a long time to ask you this...Will you marry me?" You just sit there, saying, "I don't know how to respond to that." You splash him with water and it gets in his eyes. He screams, "Zesty! I like it!" That little voice in your head says, now would be a good time to panic. Since you're in Detroit, you've got a good shot at running away. You jump out of the pool and run to the only safe(ish) place you know you can stay: Comerica Park. As you're running, you feel a sharp pain in your knee. You look down and see you've gotten a paper cut from a paper airplane. Written on it are the words: 'Get your hands off my man, you butthead!' You roll your eyes and keep walking. You feel a warm, sticky substance run down your knee and you look down and see blood. As you notice you're bleeding, you realize what you're wearing. You are dressed in Tony's idea of an appropriate, comfortable outfit: a hooker. You have on a pink dress that's three sizes too small with 'savvy' sequins. The neck-line is low cut and it's strapless. You're wearing six inch sparkly silver open-toed heels. Richard catches up to you and he says, "So... How many kids did you want to have?" You think to yourself, 'Well, as long as I'm wearing these heels, I might as well put them to good use.' You take your shoe off, and ask him, "How many sparkles do you see on this shoe?" While he's preoccupied counting, you take the opportunity and whip the other one off to poke it where it counts (painfully above the shins). He winces (because he has so much blubber he doesn't feel it much). "So I take it, as many as possible?" You flip him off and your ring catches his eye. "You're married?" In your head, an idea pops up. "Yes," you say. "And if my husband ever catches you talking to me again, he'll give you a wedgie." "But I'm not wearing any underwear!" he protests. You roll your eyes and walk away. A stray bullet, obviously meant for you, strikes Richard in the chest and you hear sobbing in the distance immediately as he falls to the ground. "My baby!" Lynn comes up. "How dare you walk away from him! That bullet was meant for you!" You say, "Relax. It's a simple procedure. Besides, you told me to leave him alone anyways." Lynn has Richard's head in her arms, and is singing cum by ya to his dying corpse. She rocks his head back and forth and the last words that comes out of Richard's mouth are, "I think I'm going puke!" You suddenly realize that Lynn is wearing a long, ugly, woolen dress like one you would see a ninety year old woman wearing to her funeral. You look at Lynn, laughing to yourself, and an ingenious idea pops into your head. You say, "Hey, Lynn, wanna play truth or dare?" Without giving her time to answer, you say, "I'll go first. Truth or dare? Oops, what was that? You want a dare? Okay. I dare you to lick everything out of Richard's ears." She says, "Ooh, sounds like fun!" She sticks her tongue through his left ear and it pokes out the other, covered in green slime. She reels her tongue back in, swallows the slime, and says, "Wow, what is that? Raspberry jam? Or maybe it's-" Suddenly her face goes white and she starts choking, her mouth foaming. She keels over and, with one last cough, all signs of life leave her body. And the unlucky couple dies together. Like in Romeo and Juliet. The end. Everybody dies except you.

Morals:

1. Don't give pirates beer.

2. Never end up in a love-square.

3. Don't do the Harlem Shake.

4. Don't have love-triangles.

5. Even if you do have a love-triangle, be prepared for bitter disappointment (they never work out).

6. Never pass out because bad things happen (such as waking up in a hotel room in Detroit with two men that love you despite loving each other).

7. Keep your ears clean.

8. Never get lost in Detroit.

9. Never let your 'boyfriend' dress you.

10. When a creepy guy asks for love, don't give it to him.

11. If someone is seriously dumb enough to count the sparkles on your shoes, they are retarded (and actually care).

12. Never give the goat-lady paper.

13. Check your bed for thongs before you lay down.

14. Don't go on a cruise with creeps in the first place.

15. Never let a drunk man sing karaoke- wait. What?

16. Don't eat the green goop out other people's ears.

17. Never go to hide under the bed or in the closet without checking first.

18. Make sure you always have an escape route.

19. Make sure your acquaintances are dead before you leave them.

20. Make sure you have a video camera when you jump out the window of a seventeenth story hotel room.

21. Speaking of corn, I have to peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

22. When two fuzzy faced men love each other while loving you, you know something is wrong. And you'd have to be blind not to see it.