Don't Define Me

Chapter Five

5.

The next week goes by doing the same thing. Some people might find my life boring but I need the consistency. I enjoy it and revel in it. One morning while I'm getting ready for work my phone starts blaring "Since U Been Gone!" my ringtone for Macy. I answer and she brightly says "You're gonna love me!" I immediately think, Oh gosh, what did she do? I hate surprises. "Am I? " I ask nervously. "Yes! Please tell me you have this weekend off" she prompts. Nervously I reply, "I have this weekend off..." "Perfect!" she replies, " We are laying on the beach this weekend in Tahoe. My mom wants to get away to the cabin for some zen time she said so we can tag along and have beach time! Sound like a plan?" Oh that does sound nice, I think to myself "Sure. Sounds amazing. I could def use some Tahoe time" I reply.

Macy's parents own a cabin in South Lake Tahoe in a community that has a private beach and is within walking distance to the state line and casinos. We spend a lot of time in the winter up there snowboarding and a lot of time in the summer laying by the lake. We haven't had a chance to get away up to the cabin yet this summer so I am really looking forward to going. Macy's mom, Ashley, is somewhat of a nature lover. Part of the reason why they own the cabin I'm sure. When life gets too stressful down here in the "smog" as she calls it, she escapes up to the mountains for zen time- aka fresh air.

That night at work passes quickly as I am on a natural high after making my weekend plans. Tips are especially good tonight as well. I guess my good mood makes for good tips! The regulars that frequent my section must have benefitted from the kick in my step.

I arrive home to Dad's snoring (since I worked the closing shift), shower and get comfy in my bed. Something has switched in my mind. Worry starts to creep in as it usually likes to find a place there at night before bed. What if we get in a crash on the way to Tahoe while Macy's mom is enjoying nature so thoroughly? What if I can't sleep in the creaky cabin, not in my own bed? Why do I have to think this way? I've been to the cabin with Macy's family more times than I can count and I know in my heart that everything will be fine, but for some reason my brain likes to tell it otherwise. I feel my pulse beating in my ears as I work to breathe and calm my heart rate. I grab my journal to distract myself and explain my worries to no one in particular- because to anyone else they would just seem silly and not "normal." I hate that word. Is anyone really "normal." Don't we all have our weird quirks and ways about us? Why does there have to be such a stigma on those that have more "common" quirks?

I continue to write my thoughts as I feel my meds start to kick in and my eyelids get heavy. I turn my bedside lamp off and try to turn my mind off as I wait for sleep to overtake and pray the dreams stay away tonight.