Deck of Cards

Day 12-Sally

King of diamonds- looking after the leader for 0hrs

Sally's POV

It was another diamond. I had a love- hate relationship with diamond cards. They could either be a day full of relaxation and contemplation or a day full of horrors which made the activities look fun. I had no idea what the king meant but I'm sure that it would be another evil task- I wasn't sure if they could even top what they had done so far. It seemed as if they had broken every part of me and then spat me out so I could experience it all over again. Like some rollercoaster that never stopped going down.

My guard walked up to my cell and smiled at me which made my heart flutter; my affection for him hadn't changed. I still felt the same way about him.

"King of diamonds," he read, "looking after the leader for 0 hours." What did that even mean? Who was the leader? I had no idea but it didn't surprise me that there was one evil mastermind behind it all. It was probably some gang.

Fear hit me when I thought of a group of men with dark hoods sitting round a table thinking how else they could torture me. It was all so sinister.

I stared intently at my guard and to my surprise he met my gaze, he didn't just walk away as usual. My head began to whiz as I thought of all the possibilities that could happen and I began to sweat from the nerves.

What did this mean about his intentions? Did he feel the same way? He can't possibly, I told myself but inside I knew that I was secretly praying for it to be true. All this time, I had hoped that he would save me from the horrors of my own mind. All I needed was some company.

We sat, well he stood, in comfortable silence until I felt the need to speak in fear of him leaving. I would have kicked myself if I let him walk away into the darkness like he had done so many times before. It broke my heart to watch him leave me, leaving me as alone and vulnerable as I had felt on the first day. He was a distraction from everything that went on around me.

"Hi," I mumbled shyly, worried about whether I had misread his feelings. Embarrassment churned in me as I realised how stupid I sounded- I felt like a child compared to him. 

"Hello Sally," he replied quietly, almost as if he was scared to be heard despite no one being around to hear us.

This boosted my self confidence- maybe this meant that he was interested in something. Friendship? Romance? My heart fluttered at the idea. It was all going to plan. He was smiling at me, I was smiling at him. Then I ruined it.

"Come in," I said excitedly gesturing into my cell. At the time, all I was thinking about was the horrible bars that kept us apart. However, I had reminded him that he was my jailer and suddenly his smile turned into a frown and then into a stern line. I had messed it all up. He left without another word. I saw his back walk into the darkness until he was a part of the endless doom that I faced everyday.

I told myself that I was being irrational, that I couldn't possibly be in love with someone who was willingly keeping me hostage. But every time I thought of his blue eyes, I felt myself break a little bit more. I had never felt this way before.

"Maybe its because you're missing dad. You're missing having a man in your life," I said to the thin air. I could have been right, ever since I was snatched away from my last goodbye with him I had felt a dull ache of despair. I believed that my own father lay in some cemetery while people cried around him. I couldn't mourn with them. I had been stripped of that privilege.

He would probably look for me in the crowd from up in heaven and think that I didn't care. That I wasn't strong enough to celebrate his life and accept his death. He never wanted me to feel the pain of his death. He wanted me to have closure.

Instead I was left to hate myself every second for not running towards the hospital doors and escaping this fate. Every day, I felt the urge to kill myself just so I could say goodbye. To give him the letter that I wrote.

I had written a letter to him, one to give him before he greeted death. I had never been able to give it to him.

Dear Dad,

I know you might not be able to read this yourself so ask one of the nurses, maybe Susie you like her.

Dad I just wanted to say that despite our differences I would have never asked for a different dad or a different upbringing. You gave me the best and I regret not being able to give back what you deserve.

You always told me to look for the best in life and never dull my light. Although I will miss you, I will only remember you as you would like to be remembered- as the strong dad you were. Heck, you're still that strong dad but strong in so many different ways.

I know you don't want us to feel your pain, but I can't help myself dad. I feel your pain. I feel the dread. I feel your acceptance as death knocks on your door.

I don't think I can continue writing but just know dad that I will always love you. I will never forget you.

From

Your Sal