a note to you

I remember the first time I saw you in the Depths.

It was one of the many Welcoming Banquets that were thrown. I remember hating them, because I had to deal with all the new, emotional Dwellers. The Welcoming Banquets were when everyone's emotions and feelings were heightened, and that made my job with the Inflamers much worse. Samuel had dismissed me from attending, but I knew that I would end up going. I needed to get on his good side, and his parties always got out of hand, as you know.

So I was taking my time getting to the party, of course. I kept walking around the halls of the Depths, thinking about how much I hated being dead, and how weird it was to be thinking that. You see, I was in some state of denial, at the time. I didn't want to think about anything from before, so I didn't. I cut off my emotions, my humanity, so I wouldn't remember what I did to you. You were still a stranger then, but from the moment I hit you, I knew that you were special. Someone brilliant. And of course, I was right.

Eventually Samuel saw me milling around. He asked if I would at least take a look at all the new Dwellers. I couldn't refuse, obviously, so I obeyed, following him and his swarm of Inflamers. They all seemed weary of me, as if I was someone powerful. I didn't feel powerful, though, I felt nothing.

We went up to the balconies, and Samuel talked to me for a few moments before leaving me alone. I walked to the railing and looked out at the swarms of people, bouncing to the bass heavy music. I saw so many things happening at once. There were people dancing like absolute maniacs, people arguing, people eating, people drinking, people kissing, and even people standing awkwardly to the side, like me. So many bodies packed into one space, it made my head spin.

And then I saw you.

It felt like the breath was knocked out of me. I was suffocating, drowning, dying all over again. All the pain I felt from before came flooding through the gates I thought I had locked up. I wasn't prepared to see you. I knew I had to shut it down, get rid of all this emotion.

So I did what came naturally, and I turned it into hate. I let all of the pain dissipate, and instead anger came seeping through my cracks.

And Alex Muir, I'm not cute when I'm angry.

I watched you, my whole body going rigid. I think the Inflamers could sense that something was wrong with me, because they started moving away. I saw you punch some short, wiry man. Your eyes were laced with terror and frustration and satisfaction all at once. Megan was saying something to you, something I couldn't make out. But whatever it was made you even more anxious, because your eyes got wide and you started biting your lip. I had to try so hard to despise you in that moment, because you were (and still are) so perfect.

You and Megan started walking out of the crowd of dancing people, and your eyes wandered around the room. I knew you had seen Samuel, who was only a few feet away from, when your eyes filled with hate. And then, merely a few seconds later, you spotted me.

I panicked, but I tried my best to hide it. I didn't know if you knew who I was, what I did to you. I did the only thing I could think of; I held your gaze. You looked fragile, lost. I tried to keep my expression from being hateful, but I probably didn't succeed.

It seemed like we were locked in place, staring at each other for hours, when it had only been seconds. Suddenly, a giggling girl tapped on my shoulder. She woke me from my trance, and I spun to look down at her.