Heal.

Part 8

I was awake early. The dream from the night before had yet to wear out of my memory as it still lay etched behind my eyes, so that each time i blinked i saw their faces. Alfie and Carla. However i had decided against sharing this with Alex, for he would know, i was fine and completely over it. 73 days left. i thought as i flipped the egg i was frying.

Alex didn't announce his prescense when he came down stairs as he usually did, the usual manly, ego-centric air was absent as he made his way towards the kitchen. "morning." i smiled. 'yeah of course I'm fine. oh that, that was nothing, I'm perfectly okay' i practiced the lines offer in my head, preparing myself to lie to someone who always seemed to tell when i was lying. I was ready for any question he would throw at me. But he didn't ask, he didn't say anything, not one word. "morning." i repeated, louder this time. no response. "Alex?" he looked up when i snapped his name. "Hmm?" i swallowed. "you okay." he nodded silently. I went back to my egg as we stood in silence. Him standing up made me uneasy, he wanted to say something. "say it." i whispered.

"say what?" he asked, knowing exactly what i was talking about. Rolling my eyes, i turned around to stare him down. "say the thing that you have on your mind, that you've been wanting to say for the past five minutes. say it." i braced myself.

"fine, we can't do this." i braced myself, but not for that. I flinched at his words. I shifted my weight, not knowing how to react. "w-what do you mean, do what?" he ran his hands through his tangled hair in frustration. "oh come Lila, you and me, this thing, it doesn't work!" i crossed my arms in an attempt to steady myself, he was shouting. "Well why, what part of this thing doesn't work?" he shrugged, the movement exaggerated. "all of it, its just messed up, we're messed up and its impossible. especially the part where you want kids, normality!" i took a step back.

"and what you don't want those things, any of it?" he didn't respond, he was meeting my eye. I took another step back, i was hitting the counter. "o-or is it that you just don't want any of that, w-with me?" i didn't want him to answer it, i didn't want to know, but i had to know not matter how much it hurt. and i knew it would. "I just, I saw you last night and i just can't give you that Lil," he moved towards me. "i can't give you that normality." i gave a laugh.

"i don't care, i don't care Alex, i doth want normal, can't you see Im not normal either!" he started pacing at my words. "so now, this is your last chance, to say it because i know you want to." he thought about it for a heartbeat but i saw the second he made up his mind. "okay fine Lila, fine, do you want the truth, the whole truth?" i nodded. "this is going to hurt you but I'm going to say it anyway," he was inches away from me now.

"I don't like you Lila, I don't like you and I sure as hell don't love you. you're just the only girl around for 3 months and I'm bored so i needed a new toy. so please, please don't for one second think this is more to me than just lust. because give me one more week and i would have had you, been in your pants quicker than you can say 'i am lunatic'. And i thought this would be easy and we would go our separate ways once this was over and never see or speak to each other ever again and I would be that crazy guy that took you innocence, but then you started freaking me out by talking about kids and getting way ahead of yourself, its desperate and now i would really prefer to just spend the next seventy something days in awkward silence whilst we avoid each other. then when this is all over we leave without another word, plus it will be easier if you hate me." silence.

i took a long breath out, i hadn't realised i was holding my breath. His cold grey eyes didn't budge from mine. "what?" i flinched. "are you going to cry, have a rage, hit me. go ahead, no ones stopping you sweetheart." i nodded silently knowing that if i spoke i would cry, and crying would mean weakness, thats what he wanted. The hate boiled up in me like acid, but it was soon washed away by sadness, betrayal, hurt and heartbreak. I could see if it in his eyes that he knew, he could not go back from this. He could have done worse though, much worse, embarrassment. At least he saved me that.

I turned away from him and made my way to my room. I felt him starring at me as I made my way up the stairs. He didn't say a word. So this is how it would be for the rest of these months, silence. heartbreaking- ear shattering-unbearble silence. As soon as the door closed i collapsed on my bed and cried. My head was clear of all reason, of all thought. I just cried at how alone i felt. I cried for what seemed like a lifetime, my eyes left red and puffy from it. For the reminder of the day i just sat still, not being able to come out and face him just yet besides the fact i looked terrible.

I was sure Alex heard me as he waited outside my room for a moment. but he didn't come in, i knew he wouldn't. Was it all a lie then? something inside me didn't care about that part. However every time i thought about it, it felt like a fresh punch in the chest. And it hurt, a lot. A part of me wondered what Alex felt, regret, guilt, relief? or anything at all?

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Dammit! and we were doing so well right?

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Much love Gx