Alone

In Memory of Sugar

The car wasn't shifted into PARK when the words "Sugar is gone" rang into my ear from the other end of the phone. Those three words punched me square in the chest and an unfamiliar numbness set into my bones. Everything screeched to an immediate halt. A million thought flooded my mind and I begged myself not to break down in front of Nick and Jake in the car. The pain of her sudden departure only worsened as each minute turned into the next. Sugar was not only my dog, she was my childhood.

The day began like any other day; it was uneventful to say the least. Spring Semester was coming up soon and one last reunion was planned between my guy friends and I. As i was getting ready to leave, my mom pointed out that Sugar's gait had morphed into a crooked limp over the past couple days. Once an energetic Italian Greyhound, she now refused to even eat which was unusual; Mom had made her chicken that night. We all held her and I asked my parents if we could take her to the vet the next day. I kissed her goodbye on her forehead before I left and bounced out the door to spend the night with my friends.

Post dinner, I found myself driving around out quaint and quiet town in search of something remotely entertaining to do. The boys were bantering like always, hooting and hollering over superficial matters of who could beat who at the video game Super Smash Bros. As we neared our destination, my phone suddenly rang. I handed it to Nick as I commanded that he answer it. As he held the phone up to my ear, I barked a greeting at my dad.

"Dorothy Jane, you need to come home right now," he uttered frantically.

"Dad, I'm like half an hour away," I sighed. "The boys and I are going bowling and-"

"Pull the car over," he interrupted. There was a quiver in his usual unwavering voice now; it had not been there before.

Without further argument, I complied with my dad's command and turned right on a side street. It was in that moment that my figure slipped onto the speaker button and my dad announced to all the horrible news that I was not prepared to hear. This was the moment he told me that Sugar had passed away. This was the moment I felt my world slip between my grasping fingers. This was the moment time stood still.

There were so many regrets that flashed to my mind all at once. I needed more time to spend with her. I needed to thank her for making my childhood less lonely. I needed to shower her with more love. I needed her to come back.

Change is inevitable. That is something that I have never fully come to terms with. Some people embrace change as an old friend. Other treat change as a new adversary. I have always been awful with the many transitions that all human beings must go through in life. Somehow I developed the foolish belief that I would eventually stumble across the finish line and move on like everyone else. It seemed easier to mas my true feelings and stuff them in the corner of my closet and tell everyone that nothing bothered me. I felt I could handle anything on my own.

Jake slid into the passenger seat as soon as I dropped off Nick. In the blink of an eye and a short drive later, we were sitting in his driveway. He opened up his arms and told me that he was there to lend a listening ear and a comforting hug. I hesitated, but I met his embrace and opened up completely, expressing every ounce of emotion I had about her loss. For the first time, I didn't hold it all in. I didn't retreat. I didn't face the heartache alone.