Once Upon a Time One Shots

I Can't Lose You ~ A CaptainSwan One Shot {Emma Swan}

"Swan, wait," Killian says as he runs up behind me and places his hand on my shoulder. My entire body tenses with his touch and I quickly turn and knock his hand off of me, he looks ashamed as it falls limply back down to his side.

"What do you want now pirate?" I avoid looking him in the eyes, every time I do I open up a new side of me, a side of weakness ... a weakness to him.

It's been two weeks since we returned from the Enchanted Forest, two weeks since I royally screwed up Regina's life, two weeks since the kiss. I never imagined I would open up to him like I did that day, and I never wanted to. What I imagined I would have with him was nothing significant, nothing serious. He's always just been a bump in the road for me, a temptation, I never thought it would ever amount to anything more than that.

When he said that he traded his ship for me I had no idea what to think, I didn't have a chance to prepare myself. All of my walls that I had worked so hard to keep standing came crashing down, and I kissed him.

I beat myself up everyday over the kiss every day. All it did was give him ... and me, false hope. All my life, nothing has truly been able to work out. Everyone I get close to either dies or gets hurt. I can't risk letting that happen to him. I can't let any more people get hurt because of me.

I used to believe that I had a superpower, the ability to tell when anyone was lying, but now I know that was all just a childish fantasy. I grew up in a tough situation, I was always able to assume that if I was speaking to an adult, they would most likely be lying to me. It wasn't some majestic superpower that allowed me to distinguish these lies, it was just the simple fact that my unfortunate childhood had given me the quality of being incredibly distrustful to everyone that I crossed paths with.

As I've gotten older, I've begun to realize what my "real" superpower is; I'm a grenade, anything I touch goes up in flames. My son was captured by Pan, Neal died in my arms, Graham was killed because he got close to me, August doesn't remember anything, Regina has had her happiness destroyed; it's only a matter of time before I destroy Killian's life as well. I'm no Savior, and I know I never will be, that's why I've always been so terrified to open up, so terrified to trust.

I snap back into reality as Killian begins to speak, I avoid meeting his gaze.

"I just thought maybe we should slow down a little," he stares at the ground, I can tell I'm making him uncomfortable. "Henry and Regina have fallen behind, I don't think that going this late into the night will help us find the ice witch any faster."

"Hook it's been a week, it's only a matter of time until that ice bitch comes for us," I snap back harshly. "And I'm not letting her lay a damn magic finger on anyone that I love." I see a slight sparkle in his eye and his mouth begins to inch into a smirk.

"Darling, you're not afraid of very much are you?"

"Nope," I reply sharply. I quicken my pace, hoping that he will give up; much to my dismay he doesn't. Bloody pirates.

"You and I, we're quite alike. All our lives we've been alone, and even when we do find someone that we care about, we always seem to end up losing them," I grunt half heartedly in response. "In all my years at sea I've discovered one thing, even the bravest people are afraid of something: Blackbeard, Rumplestitlskin, Regina, even your parents," he pauses. "What are you afraid of Miss. Swan?" I stop walking and grab his arm, leading him back behind a canopy of trees. I pull my gray beanie tight down over my ears and shove my hands in my pockets, his breath is warm on my face as he looks at me expectantly.

"I'm afraid Granny's is going to one day run out of hot cocoa mix," I say sarcastically. Killian raises his eyebrows in question, I roll my eyes. "Clearly they're not too big on sarcasm in the Enchanted Forest. I meant I'm not afraid of anything, and even if I was why do you think I would ever, ever tell you?"

"Emma you can't tell me that our kiss was nothing, we understand each other Swan, you can't just keep pushing me away like this, after -."

"Oh really? I can't push you away? Watch me." I dig the toes of my boots into the muck and begin to walk back out onto the path, I hear footsteps drawing nearer.

"Emma, wait!" Killian's arm grips my own as he, quite forcefully, turns me to face him. "I didn't mean ... I wasn't thinking -."

"Clearly," I mutter under my breath.

"Swan I know it's hard for you to open up, I just want to know why you won't give me, us a chance? You must bloody well know by now that I care for you, I just want to know if there is even the smallest possibility that you ca-."

"Dammit Killian, you wanna know what I fear? You wanna know what I worry about every day and why I sure as hell can't bring myself to open up to you?" He stares at me blankly as I feel tears begin to come to my eyes. "I'm afraid of losing you. Everyone I've ever loved, everyone I've ever truly cared about ... I've ended up losing, and I can't let that happen again. Killian I have a chance of love with you, and I don't want either of us to get hurt, and if that means that the only way to make sure that we don't is to stay away from you, I'm damn well willing to do that. I don't think you-," my speech stops in its tracks as Killian leans in and pulls me into a kiss. His fingers graze my hair as I grasp his lapel and press my body up against his. We breathe into each other, I'm at a lack for air, but I can't bring myself to break away.

I hear the crack of a twigs and open my eyes ever so slightly, just soon enough to see my parents not-so-gracefully dash out of my line of vision, this is going to take a great deal of explaining, but we can deal with that later.

I smile as Killian begins to sweetly kiss every inch of exposed skin.

"I'm not going anywhere love," he mutters softly between kisses. I shiver as I pull him into a tight embrace, our foreheads touch and our breathing begins to synchronize. I slowly begin to peel my fingers off his back one by one and give him a mischievous grin.

"That was," I work hard to steady my voice.

"I know," he finishes with a small laugh. We stand like that for a while, just staring at each other, until I hear Henry begin to call out for me.

"Duty calls," I say solemnly as I turn to head out onto the main path. "Stay back a few minutes, pretend that you were calibrating your compass or whatever the hell you pirates do, this is gonna take a lot of explaining, I don't want to drop it on them all at once."

"As you wish," he replies quietly. I feel the warmth in my chest rise as my cheeks begin to redden. I smile.

It's too late for me, there's nothing I can do now.

It's only a matter of time before this all blows up in my face, but for now I've only rushed the inevitable.

I've fallen for Killian Jones.