discovering indigo. (finding sky by joss stirling)

chapter eight

"there's no such thing," i snap with as much ferocity as i can muster.

"what?' he laughs and my anger is only riled further by his casual display of amusement at my expense.

"will, i'm serious, there is no such thi-"

"yeah, i heard you. but how do you explain my brothers? zed? yves?" he licks his bottom lip and i can tell he's actually hiding a smile and it freaks me out even more, "are you saying they're just making it all up? cos' you know just as well as i do, that you can't make up something like that."

i open my mouth to speak and he swats my words away with a flick of his hand. "you can't pretend that kinda love, indie. you just can't."

i look at this boy sitting on the window seat with me, in his old red plaid pyjama's which look as though they have been washed so many times they are just thin material and a ratty grey t shirt with a hole on the collar. this boy who saved me from his family and has an instinct for danger with curly hair and blue eyes and a belief in love so big it can set tree's on fire and i think about how if i wasn't me and he wasn't him, maybe it would have been fine. good, even. but instead, i know, i am going to break his spirit because this is going to break mine.

"will." i look at him and he's still smiling and i see relief scribbled over his face, in the crinkles by the side of his eyes. he's relieved that he spoke and told me and he's on the verge of laughter, and i smile too. "it's make-believe, all that stuff. i don't doubt they don't love each other. honest, i don't, but, why does it have to be love that big? that great?"

i have opened a philosophical discussion.

"aw, c'mon, i know you believe! you come from a family of savants. you know, what it's like. you've seen it. i'm sure you have."

"sure, i've seen love. we all have. but its just love. it's not savant love. we made that up. why do we have to have a special kind of love? is it a different kind of love? is it better?" i raise my eyebrows at him, "i don't think so."

"of course it's not better. it's just.." he looks around the room, but his actions are full of unpented excitement, and he's trying to contain a smile which could light up the whole damn milky way. "we feel things more, and that's not our fault. but we do."

"if non savants love less does it make it less than love?"i feel annoyance and guilt and annoyance for feeling guilt because i'm trying to let him down slowly and he's not listening to me. he's all caught up in the thought of me and him.

"indie, this is gonna be crazy and i have got to tell my parents and we have to sort out shit like the wedding and the-"

THE WEDDING. HOLY SHIT. I"M TWENTY. I"M A KID. I"M A..

"you don't know me." i stop him mid flow. forgetting everything, my sense of all things. i raise myself up onto my knees and open the window.

'what?" his happiness is sliding off his face. "sure, i know you. look, we have time to get to know each other."

"you can't love me, because we have had exactly two conversations and most of the time we have been arguing. and if you do feel something it's just a vague incomprehensible crush. " i raise myself up so i am balancing on the window ledge. 'you can't love someone you don't know, will."

he grabs my wrist and his eyes catch me as he tries to pull me back in. "that's not excuse. what? we don't know each other? well, instead of throwing yourself out the window at every possible opportunity, why don't we have a conversation  where we are not arguing?"

"i have not tried to jump out a window at every possible opportunity!" i laugh and then say; "will, c'mon," i whisper and slightly plead with him. and then i become a bitch because ultimately, my grandmother taught me well, "i love someone else."

he sits back on his knee's and i can see that he's stung and shocked and he's running his hands through his hair and his jaw is twitching. and i can't help myself, i lean back so i am slightly in the room, my legs still hanging out of the window and lean in and kiss him lightly.

because i am girl with a black heart. "maybe it would have been fun."

and then i jump.

(I'm sorry I have taken so long to update. I've had AS levels and personal statements and loads of other shit. I know this is shit, and it doesn't make sense and I haven't properly proof read it but......it's mean so long I thought maybe I should do a little update. I'm sorry it's short. I might write another bit now :)