River (BoyxBoy)

{TWO}

On Saturday's I normally kept the day open for simple things. Like taking the jeep out and driving to The Harlow River, it was nothing special, I normally left the house around ten, taking lunch with me and sitting by the water on my own for a few hours.

It was something I was doing now, sitting outside during the crisp weather, sweater on my shoulder. It never snowed, but sometimes it was chilly.

The water flowed calmly, gently in a steam down the river bank. I sat there on the hood on Ben's jeep, with a can of Dr. Pepper and a sandwich. The view wasn't the best, it was mostly just trees, but in the distance, you could see the city, with smoke coming from buildings, in the night the lights flashed. But I didn't care, because here I was with Ben, and today I needed him. I needed to feel him close to me, and even though this wasn't where he died, the free-flowing water always healds a bit on his heart to me. Something that would never change I'm sure. I couldn't go to his grave regularly seeing as I was a five-hour drive from home. But sometimes I brought flowers, or his favourite candy, just so he could have a little on the ride to where ever he was going. Because Ben wanted to see the world. And now, I felt like he really could.

I spent two hours by myself with him, just sitting there until I decided it was time to head back. I lived in a small house that Kelly and I rented off his parents just outside of Huntington Park. It was a cozy place. It wasn't really home, nowhere without Ben was totally going to feel normal to me. But it was close enough, because thankfully I had Kelly, and if I didn't have him in the last two years. I really don't know where I would be right now.

It wasn't like Kelly and I was together, no, far from it. Like always he was still my best friend. When Ben had died, Kelly was the first person there to help me on my feet. He was moving to LA to live in his parent's old place and had invited me to join, with the stipulation that I had to help pay rent once I was ready to get a job.

I don't think I was really that ready to get a job when I had started working at 'La, Vins' but I made myself ready. I wasn't going to let Kelly hold all the weight of paying all the bills in the house on his own, even if he had his parents help. So, two weeks after we had moved, four months after Ben had died, I got a job. And really I had been nonstop since. Not wanting to stop at all, because when I stopped. The darkness started to fill in. At least, when I was at home it did. When I was at the river I was free, and when I was at the coffee shop I felt cozy, I could people watch if I needed to calm down. And really, that's what I had needed most. A place that was cozy, where I could calm down.

Don't get me wrong, the house was perfect, it was a one-floor bungalow with brown siding and a lot of plant life. But when Kelly wasn't around it was deafening, I don't think I was anywhere near ready to be on my own in a house like that. Not after all the plans Ben and I had made.

But I was a big boy, and I needed to figure these things out, right past it and curl up in my bed with my blanket over my head and wait until Kelly was home.

Today, I thankfully didn't need to do that because when I hopped out fo the jeep, Kelly's car was already parked in the driveway.

I took in my backpack, shimming the sticky doorknob before opening the door. I was greeted with the smell of coffee and lavender.

"Hey, you home?" I called, dropping my bag by the closet on the foyer.

"Yeah, I'm in the kitchen," Kelly's gruff voice shot back. Kelly was a big guy, I guess it came from his German roots. He was 6'4 light green eyes and dirty blond hair, he had broad shoulders, he mostly wore white t-shirts with blue jeans, but today he stood in the kitchen with a dark blue sweater on and black jeans, but to be fair he could make anything look good. Me though, if I had worn that, I'd look so stupid I wouldn't even be able to show my face out in public.

"Hey," I greeted him, leaning on the white stoned island with my elbows down, looking towards Kelly. "What are you doing home?" Normally he was at school, or work. At the moment Kelly was working two jobs. Not because he needed to, but because he wanted to, oddly enough. He wanted to live comfortably, even if he hardly get to live with his busy life. But he was always quick to remind everyone, that in a couple years he'll have enough money to take a long vacation and that was worth it.

"I got off early, and my last professor didn't show up, I was going to go to the gym, but I figured I'd wait for you first. I wanted to talk to you."

"Talk to me?" I felt the blood rush from my face, my fingers and toes go numb as my heart rate picked up. Did I have a reason to panic? No. Was I going to panic anyway? Damn, right I was.

But, Kelly let out a little laugh, that made me feel a tad bit better. "Don't look so scared, it's nothing bad." He said, moving to the small table at the corner of the kitchen and sitting in a chair. "I promise, it's not bad." he tried to assure me, but it was no use, I was always head deep into the water, panic rising with every waiting moment.

I sat across from him in the other free chair, my fingers knotting together, I looked to my best friend, feeling confused, and scared to hear what was going to come out of his mouth. The familiar butterflies starting to fight in my stomach. "What's wrong?" I tried to sound confident. But it came out more of a squeak.

Kelly shook his head, a small smile playing on his lips. "Your mom called while you were away, and she and I got to talking..." He trailed, my nerves not feeling any better with this news. "She wants you home for Christmas this year and asked that I drive you. Which I am totally fine with, I go home every year as you know. We all think it'll be good for you to go back, Noah. We think you need it."

Need it? Who were they to say I need it? They know you best. I know they do, but it's not like they know me now.

I wanted to go back, to go home and see my house, the neighbourhood, the schools, parks, smell the air. But I couldn't. I could hardly drive his jeep every day let alone stand where he stood. I moved here to be away from the constant reminder of him. And being there during Christmas would be the worst idea.

Ben loved Christmas, he used to go all out, he was sort of dorky in that way. He had cards from years passed in a box in the back of his closet that he would take out every year. Ugly sweaters, hats, socks. He had it all. Our last Christmas together he even had a little tree in his room that had two presents underneath it. One from him to me, and from me to him.

It was our holiday together, and sure I had holidays before him, and I"ll have holidays after him. But this was the third year without him and it was still too fresh. It hurt too much.

Yeah, I'm sure it hurts his parents too, and they didn't run away.

That thought stabbed me, a knife dragging into my gut. It was true. Mr. and Mrs. Jackson never left their home, or their lives, or their daughter. Because how could they? They even lived in the same house that he grew up in.

How?

How could people keep going while Ben was gone?

I looked at Kelly, he had worried lines edged into his forehead as he waited for me to reply.

I took a deep breath before timidly nodding my head, yeah. Maybe I would try, and see how they did it. Because as of now, I wasn't doing a very good job of dealing with life without him on my own. And if it all goes bad. Well, I would make sure to have enough money to catch a bus home I guess.