Days With Christian

one | saudade

||for kay because i died after seeing days with christian in one of her reading lists. ||

saudade (n.) - a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant.

THE DAY I REALIZED I couldn't be bothered enough to stay in one place for more than a few months, my dad was livid. He threatened to cut me off, went as far as talking about disowning me-I had quit Stanford's Business School to follow my heart.

I can still picture him; with shaking fists and eyes filled with a mixture of anger and disappointment. His relentless fury was very justifiable. Dad had always assumed that I would head Sinclair Enterprises the day he retired. So my plan of backpacking across the country and several others with a camera and a photography internship in my coat pocket, was a step towards shoving my dad's dreams down the drain.

Theo, of course, was another option. My older brother, however, had already paved himself a path to stardom with two Oscars under his belt in the four years since he had tried his luck at Hollywood. Theo and Business were on opposite ends of the spectrum anyway.

But I was Dad's little girl and Sinclair family's miracle child, through sweet-talking and fluttering eye lashes I got my way. Not that I had doubted it before (I was a bit of a spoiled child). A week after, my parents sent me off to Beijing with two carry-ons, a suitcase and a credit card with enough money to last a life time. My farewell was an overly dramatic and extravagant affair; as if I was being married to some Lord in Saudi Arabia, and not going on a journey for self-discovery (that's what I like to call it, and believe it or not the Emerson Sinclair that returned from this expedition was a completely different person than the one that had left).

Looking back, however-at the grand scheme of things-sometimes I wish my dad had stopped me. Because, despite how much Ghana, and India, and Bulgaria changed me, in ways I could never have imagined; I lost an invaluable part of me too. Whether I wanted to or not, wherever I looked my eyes would seek a certain pair of chartreuse ones. Sometimes, if I stared hard enough I could almost see him sitting right in front of me, with that crooked smile and dimples that graced both his cheeks.

Oh, Christian Dioli if only we were a bit wiser. Thought of the consequences before we fell into a love so reckless, so desperate.

But maybe that was the beauty of it.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met him, but I'd rather have known him for a little while than never knowing him at all.

"I've been staring at you staring at that fry for the past half an hour. What's wrong, Em?"

I look up to find concerned amber eyes fixed on me. "Nothing, I'm sorry. Just a bit overwhelmed is all. This," I point to the space around us, "is just different."

"I'm the actor here, not you, sis." Theo's mocha skin contrasts strongly against my pale one, he squeezes my hand. "Someone I need to whack a bit?"

"I promise I'm okay. Two years is a long time, Theo." Pulling my hand away from his, I twist my fingers. "Anyway you have that interview in half an hour." I point to the watch on my wrist.

Theo stands up, placing two hundred dollar bills on the table. He places a soft kiss to my cheek, "I'll see you at dinner."

"And I expect to see the girl who has you so smitten then."

Theo's chuckles fade away as he walks out of the restaurant. My eyes settle on the street outside once again. My heart lurches as a boy with ruffled brown hair slowly turns around, my hands gripping the edge of the table turning white. Because, Christian, oh god, Christian had brown hair and stood with hands tucked in the pockets of his jeans.

And like every other time my heart breaks. Because it wasn't Christian Dioli, and I still haven't learnt how to let go.

✈️ ✈️ ✈️

here's the first chapter. i hope you enjoyed it and hopefully i can finish this story by september (when school starts) and because despite my ace procrastination skills this is my try at nano. leave your lovely comments and all that stuff.

theo sinclair on the top (obviously you can imagine him as whoever you want)

-harshita.