today sucked. the day was long and uneventful. making it easy for my mind to wander to things I wish it didn't. sometimes I wish I could just stay asleep all the time instead of waking up in the morning... today especially. it started out okay, it really did. I made it to school on time, getting a ride from my best friend, Gracie. "morning bells," she greeted me as I slipped into the passenger side of her car, "did you sleep well." I smile at her, feeling grateful to have such a good friend. "I did, thanks. did you." the ride didn't take long and by the time we got to the school I was in a fairly good mood. boy, did that change. sometime during second period, I let my mind wander. I started to think of all the things I never thought about when I was distracted. I should have been paying attention to the teacher, but no. I just had to loose focus...sometimes I just feel so alone. like there's nobody in the world I can talk to, and whenever I think about it I get overwhelmed. to the point where I feel like I can't breath, like I can't fix it. and what makes is worse is every time I feel this way, as I'm trying to calm down from my panic attack, I hear a voice in my head crying out. and I know a lot of people have that... but the voice, it isn't mine. it's a boys cry, and it only stops when the panic subsides. I've never told anyone that before and it eats at me every single day. I've felt this way since I was 9 years old, and let me tell you, the anxiety meds don't do shit. I clenched my hands tight the second I felt the panic come on, my heart beats fast and chest tightens as I try to gulp in big breaths of air, there's no going back. 'I can handle this, I can handle this, I can handle this' I think to myself, and just as I think I can, it hits its peak. I'm grateful that I'm in the back of the class and that nobody's looking, I know if they saw me, eyes clenched shut and breathing deep they'd be rather confused. my hands shake and my eyes fill with tears, I feel like I'm going to be sick when I hear it; the boy. I hear him in my head, he's crying out. "ah, fuck." he says, I shudder. I can't help but feel like it's my fault this imaginary boy is in pain. his cries slowly subside and I swear I faintly hear the name Michael, but I can't be sure. God, I really am insane. as my anxiety stops I breath in and lean back. I wonder what causes it... maybe it's some repressed childhood anger or some bullshit thing a therapist would tell me. damn it, Bella. why do you have to be like this? I sigh as the bell rings, my classmates shuffle out the door and I gather my stuff to follow, "ah, Bella, can you stay a moment please?" my eyes shoot to mr. Anderson, and my eyebrows furrow nervously. "yes, sir?" I ask timidly, confused as to what he needs. "I've noticed that you haven't been yourself lately. now, I'm not one to sugar coat things so im just going to out and say it, you've always been one of my favorite students, Bella. And im always here if you need anything." wow, shit. gotta admit, I wasn't expecting that. "I-thank you Mr. A, I'm just a bit run down is all. thank you for caring, it means a lot. I'll see you tomorrow, sir." he only smiles as I trudge out into the hallway, if he noticed that I've been acting differently, what if someone else does? what if they think I'm insane? oh god, I feel it coming on again. instead of going to my next class, I run to the bathroom and lock the stall behind me. my back hits the wall and I slide down it until I'm sitting on the floor with my head in my hands. the tears slip through my fingers and soft cries leave my lips. 'why am I like this? why can't I just be happy like everyone else? why am i such a freak. I start feeling like I can't control how I'm feeling and I clumsily reach for my backpack. I've almost got the lid off of my prescription bottle when I hear the boy. he's crying out, soft curse words leave the imaginary boy. although he's a figment of my imagination, I can't let him feel this way. I have to calm down, I have to take my meds. the second I get the pills open I take two. within a few minutes, I'm calm. I lean my head against the wall and breath out. 'you're okay bells, you're okay.' I decide to go home early.
after grabbing my belongings from my locker, I retreat out the door and make my way home early. it's not a long walk from the high school and I'm old enough to come and go from school as I please. I breath in the fresh autumn air, and wipe the tears off my cheeks. my brown boots crunch on the pretty orange leaves that cover the sidewalk and I relate the sound to the feeling my heart gets when I hear the boy in my head cry out in pain. I think I've heard him since I was about 12, and sometimes if I'm crying at night, before I sleep... I swear I can hear him singing. and I know that the sound isn't real, and that its just me making an imaginary voice in my head but, damn, is he talented. sometimes even if I'm not having an anxiety attack I'll hear the voice. I'll hear him singing or humming... and it always makes me smile. once in a while ill hear him sing a full song. one that I've never heard on the radio, ones that I'm sure I've heard because, how would I ever know the lyrics? I don't write songs, I must've heard it at one point. maybe as a child. either way, the imaginary voice always manages to soothe and make me feel relaxed. I sigh as I shove the key into the lock of my front door. nobody's home, so I make my way to my bedroom, looking to take a much needed nap. and that I do. it's not for several hours that I wake up, and I only wake up because I hear singing in my head, it's the boy. I can only make out a few words and even then I don't believe I've head the song. 'and if earth is crumbling 'round my feet, we just gotta get out...' and that's all I hear. it's muffled though, and as he sings I imagine he spits water from his mouth. it almost sounds like singing in the shower... I'm so caught up in him that I forget I'm making it up...that he's not real and that I'm fucking insane, that he's not real, that I'm a freak. I sit up quickly, my head pounding and chest tightening. I take my head in my hands as the anxiety attack starts. I don't think I'm going to be sick, but I know I need to calm down. this one is strong. tears leak from my eyes and soon enough the boy is whimpering. 'God damn it, Bella! calm down, please calm down!' I yell at myself in my head. 'the boy is in pain! stop!' as my breath steadies, the boy becomes silent. I lay myself back down slowly, wiping my eyes with my hand. I'm insane, aren't i? making up a person in my head, ha. freak is what I am, an absolute freak.
(A/N: hey everyone! has anyone caught on? comment what you're thinking! kaylee x)
