People always said to me, the eyes are the windows to the soul. Well, in most cases they probably are, but with me, it was different. I had my father's eyes. Completely black. No one could peek through them. Some say, people with such black eyes are rare, they don't have a soul. My father is probably one of them, but me, I felt i had a soul. I felt it creeping up inside everytime i heard my mothers voice shout at my dad. 'No, please, please stop, don't hurt her she's just 4 years old!' I rememberd the words, every day, every evening, when my dad got home drunk, he'd punch me. Out of no where. He just came in quietly, finding my mother waiting for him and the dinner table. And when she opened her mouth, only just to breath, he lost it. He'd walk up to my bedroom, slammed the door shut and just started pounding his fist on me. On my sleeping body. I don't know why, mom used to shout at him why it wasn't her he was hitting. then he just got angrier and angrier.
But those days are over now. Kind off. The past few years have been rough on me. In the summer, I'd hide my arms and legs so no one would notice the brueses. No one would see the dried blood. No one would see the scars and the marks my dad left on me. Since one year he had been taken to a mental hospital. they are trying to figure out what is wrong with him. It's just me and my mom now. just the two of us. we're so close. our band can never be broken, ever. we're like two hands on one stomach. we did everything together. When she put me to sleep, which she still did every night, she always hum a little song and told me she was sorry. I always said it wasn't her fault and then she said it was. but this night, it was different. She pulled the blankets up as usual, but i sensed something weired in her voice. I didn't know if it was her hormonlevel, she wasn't the youngest anymore, or just something else. she didn't say she was sorry this time. she just hold me thight and cried. i asked her what was wrong, she didnt awnser. all i could do was hush her and rub her back, trying to comfort her. after a few minutes she calmed down, sat back up and looked me in the eyes. 'Please, try to understand, Alissa, please. I love you, and it was all my fault.' 'No it wasn't mom, you couldn't do anything about it.' 'but that's the point, i could, i could do something about it, and i should've. but i was so scared, i didn't want to, i wanted you, i really did!' 'Mum, just tell me what do you mean?' she sighed and climbed on the bed with me. 'This is a really long story Alissa, and i hope you forgive me for all i've done. I love you with all my heart, i just want you to know.' 'i know that mom, and i love you too, very very much. please, just relax and tell me what happened.'
she began 'it all started when we were young, when i first met your dad. I think i was about twenty or so. He was older, 28, my mother always said to me i shouldn't see him, but he had some kind of magic. Those eyes, they were so.... so... mystical. I just couldn't leave him. I had to be around him. And your father always knew how to keep me smiling. He did everything to make me happy. But then, his mom and dad died. and he turned into a whole other person. he started to drink and use drugs and all that shit. (oh my, i never heard my mum use a swear word before, this must be some serious shit). The killer of his parents was a drunk teenage girl. She was being raped and she tried to run away, she told the judges, and the fact that she was drunk was because her rapes drugged her with alcoholic drinks, or something like that. i swear that girl was high on coke or something, because nothing was right in that story. Your father had a very good relationship with his parents. he used to have a twin brother but he drowned in the river when he was really young. his parents spoiled him like crazy and he wasn't used to not get what he wants. So, a couple years later i got pregnant. your father went totally wild. he was drunk again and yelling at me that he didn't want to be a father, he didn't want to get any children or whathowever. That night...' she shudred and sighed really deep. 'I will never forget that night... That night he.... he....' she sniffed and almost chocked in her tears. I'd never seen her like this. 'He murdered my unborn child!' she just let it out and broke down into a little blob of mom. she just lay there crying. i put my arms around here, trying to get her to stop crying. slowly she sat up again. 'he just kept kikking and kikking, i couldn't do anything. i just layed there and cried from the pain. I was about three months pregnant. the belly was showing just a tiny bit. I tried to hide it from him, but he just noticed. When he was drunk, he didn't think, he just punched and kicked and went to bed to fall asleep. It was horrible. The baby didn't survived..." I looked at my mom. she was white as a ghost and her face was covered with big black mascara tears. she went on 'then one day, one day, he didn't come home. so i went looking for him, that was about seventeen years ago. I went outside, it was a hot summery night. I just had a light summerdress and some slippers on. I searched everywhere. In the city where the stores are, where the bars are. Then i went searching on the edge of the forest. that's one of the most stupid things i have ever done. when i was about a metre away from the first row of trees, i got grabbed from behind.' her eyes closed, she sighed yet again and i gave her a tissue. 'i tried to scream, but someone put some kind of napkin over my mouth. you could hear a noise, but it was so muffled, no one would notice. I got dragged far into the woods where i heard a familiar voice. It was your dad. He said the had to tie me up to the tree and pull my dress off. There i was, just standing in my underwear. It was a group of, i think, 6 men. your dad stood so close to me, i could feel his breath on my skin. i was sweating, but i felt ice cold. i shivered down my whole body, i still remember it so well...' she stopped for a minute. she pulled a blanket from under my bed and snuggled up in it. she wanted to cover up her body, i could tell. 'then, your father ripped off my bra and undies and start raping me. It's crazy to say tho, your husband raping you. but he did. i didn't want to do what he wanted. he could feel me struggle against the tree and he hit me heard. then all the other guys could have their way with me. I felt like trash, i still did. Raped by six men.... i can still hear your dads words 'go get her guys, she's nothing, she's just an object. ' he kept repeating that i was an object. that night, i fainted there in the woods, and i was found by a group of hikers. They brought me to the hospital and there i was diagnosed with aids. They gave me fucking aids!' The sadness in her eyes fell away and was replaced with anger. How did i didn't know this? why didn't she tell me? 'Mom..." i said. 'Please dont call me mom any more, Alissa. I'm not your real mother. It turned out your dad was a serial rapist. He raped every woman he saw. Again and again. and when he got home, he was so distant from me. If i dare to touch him, he'd punch me and yelled at me 'you fucking whore go away, i don't need you, you're just a fucking useless slut!' her sadness returned. 'But mom, what, what do you mean?' 'Just don't call me mom anymore, Alissa. don't. i can't.' the tears runned down her face again. like little waterfalls. the mascara was all gone. 'He, he, HE FUCKED ANOTHER DAMN WHORE OKAY? HE FUCKED HER AND SHE GOT PREGNANT BUT SHE COULDN'T KEEP THE BABY SO SHE DROPPED THE BABY OFF HERE AND NOW, NOW THAT BABY IS MY DAUGHTER!' i was absolutely shocked. i looked at my mom, or, at, at, i dont even fucking know who the fuck she is! but i couldn't blame her. Why didn't they tell me? 'That's why he hates you, you're a bastard child and he didn't even want a child. The fact that you bring up every memory that is bad to him, he just needed to punch you to get it all out. And the fact that you look exactly like that girl who killed his parents doesn't help..." i hugged my mum. I didn't know what to do... we just cried for hours and hours together and we fell asleep like that. all in piece. at least that's what i thought.
the next day i woke up to a little note on my pillow. It said 'Eat some breakfast and go to school, i'll see you tonight. just remember, i love you. Love, Elyne.' Why didn;t she just signed it with mom. this was so different. i didn't like the feel of it. i just felt something was wrong.
i stood at the kitchentable. just chopping up some strawberries to go with my pancakes. then i heard a big bang. it was like a pistol shot. I hid in the toilet and try to call my mom. she didn't awnser. that was not like her! she always awnsered! then i slowly creeped out of the toilet. i felt like a ninja hiding everywhere i could. i finally reached the back yard. i slowely opened the door and saw my mom lying on the grass. one tiny whole where her heart was. this wasn't suicide! it couldn't be suicide! i walked towards the dead body. there was a note. 'i'm sorry Alissa. i had to do this. I couldn't let her live like this.' it was my fathers hand writing. I saw the gun lying on the grass just next to mom, so it looked like a suicide. then i ran back to the house trying to reach the phone. i could feel someone was in the house. remember i told you i felt my soul creeping up sometimes. this was one of those moments. then i saw him, going through the cupboard. he turned around and saw me. His black eyes full of... ful of... nothing. there was nothing. he really didn't have a soul. 'Why?' i mumbled. He ran towards me. hitting me as hard as he could in my stomach. 'You don't deserve to live either you stupid bastard child!' i rolled up to a little ball so the punches wouldn;t be so bad.
suddenly he stopped. i dared to peek through my hair and glanced at him. he stood there, as big as a brick wall. he was thinking. 'Stand up!' he grabbed my arm and almost threw me in the air. he dragged me to the car and pushed me inside. We drove for hours and hours.
I cried, i cried that day. Not only because my own father killed my mother. But also because of the truth. It hurted like a motherfucker. my father was mumbling to himself. i could hear some bits of it. 'i knew i would escape. i just had to kill her. i just had to...'
we pulled over. it was already dark and my dad forced me out of the car. he hit me one last time, this time he knocked me out. my head fell down to the stone pavement. the cold stone felt like a relief on my hot skin.
next thing i rememberd was my head hurting like hell. i was in a dark building. the only thing i could hear was music from a room nearby. 'you sure she's untouched?' i heard a voice talking outside the door. 'yes, yes i'm sure' the two men walked into the room. i felt a cold wind over my body. I was naked! what the actual fuck! i tried to cover myself but my dad pulled me up an pushed my legs apart. the other guy looked at my no-no-zone and nodded happily. 'how much?' he asked. wait wat? is he fucking selling me? what the fuck? 'DAFUQ DAD!' i yelled and got up. i punched my dad hard in the face. 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? I'M YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER!' dad looked angry as hell. he came back at me and hit me right across the cheek. i felt warm blood dripping down my nose. ' '$100.000' he said calmly. 'Fair price' the guy said. he gave dad the money and he just walked away. leaving me, his only child, naked and bleeding.
