To Build A Home || c.h

Chapter 20

Calum's POV:

"Good afternoon everyone, welcome back!" a man in his forties says as I enter the room along with a bunch of other teenagers. Since there are a lot of people from America and Australia in this part of the town, this group is only for English-speaking teens. We're in the same building that I come to for me therapy sessions, only in the basement. It smells slightly like mold mixed with sweat and cheap perfume down here. It's not like depressed teenagers care enough to buy Chanel.

The chairs are placed neatly to form a circle in the middle of the room, and beside from the man with the "I'm a believer!" t-shirt who welcomed us, there are about seven other people sitting there. There are a couple of empty chairs, and I just slump down on the closest one.

I'm about to zone out completely when something—or should I say someone—catches my attention. Alaska walks in, and her eyes meet mine for a second before she looks away and sits down a couple of seats to my right. What on earth is she doing here?

"Great, now that everyone's here we can start! First of all, we have a new member, so how about we start off with introducing ourselves? Just say your name and something you enjoy doing. I can start, and we'll do the round clock-vise," the man says with a huge smile and stands up.

"My name is Dan, and I enjoy fishing," he says before he sits down and nods towards a scrawny boy to his left. The boy stands up, but his eyes never leave the ground.

"I-I'm Remi, a-a-and I enjoy d-drawing," he mutters before he sits down again. One by one everyone stands up and introduces themselves, either sounding extremely shy, obnoxious or just like they don't give a s.hit. I probably fall under the last category. I stand up when it's my turn.

"I'm Calum and I... I don't know, I like sleeping," I mutter with a sigh before I sit down again. Dan doesn't look too pleased with my answer, but he doesn't comment it. Instead, he starts asking people how they have been and if anything new has happened. A guy starts talking about his week, and I immediately lose focus. It doesn't come back again before I hear Dan saying Alaska's name, but I don't look at her. I don't want her to know that I'm paying attention just because it's her.

"Well, I told the guys that I didn't want to be in the band anymore a couple of days ago. I just, I don't know, I don't feel like I belong there... They're still trying to talk me into coming back, but I think I'm just going to focus on writing some songs for myself for a while. But hey, they're still looking for a bassist if anyone's interested," she says and adds a small laugh at the end. A small, fake laugh, if I may add. The round moves on and I realize that it's almost my turn. What am I supposed to say? I had a panic attack the first day of school because I'm a weak f.uck up who can't do anything right? I don't think so.

"Are you feeling better today, Mark?" Dan asks the boy who's sitting next to me.

"No, but there's always tomorrow... Or some other day..." he laughs quietly without looking up. He doesn't say anything else after that, so Dan shifts his attention over at me.

"How about you Calum, how are you feeling?" he asks me. I take a second to think about it.

"Like a black hole," I mutter without looking at him.

"A black hole?" he asks, obviously confused.

"Yeah. You know how black holes have such strong gravity that even light itself can't escape, and how time slows down around them? I feel like depression is my gravity, and not only won't it let any of my own happiness get through, it even pulls other people's happiness out of them, and it seems like it's been going on for years with no end to it," I explain quietly. 

I can feel Alaska's eyes on me the entire time, but I don't meet her gaze. Why did I just say that? For them what I just said might not have been a big deal, but for me that was way out of my comfort zone. I don't even know what made me say that, but I feel as if I have just revealed one of my biggest secrets for some reason.

"Do you want to share why you're depressed with us?" Dan asks with a small, encouraging smile.

"Uhm, my best friend died in- no, you know what? I don't really want to talk about it," I say quickly. What am I doing?! What the f.uck Calum?!

"It's okay, maybe the next time?" he smiles, and what surprises me is that his smile isn't one of pity, but an actual genuine smile. I nod in response even though I know that I won't talk about it again. Just starting that sentence was a huge mistake.

After that we only talk for about ten more minutes before Dan says that we can go home. He explains to me that they usually stay for a while longer and have some snacks and talk, but what he doesn't know is that I give no s.hits. I just want to go home.

Unfortunately, since my aunt has to work, I have to walk home. I've come here enough times to remember the way back to her house (I think) so I just get up right away and make my way out of the building.

It's already dark outside, and the weather is even colder than it was a couple of hours ago. I pull the zipper of my jacket all the way up so it almost covers half of my face before I put my hands in my pockets. Why didn't I bring a beanie or something? I didn't think about the fact that I had to-

"Calum! Wait!" I hear from behind me. I recognize the voice as Alaska's and don't feel like talking to her, so I just keep walking.

"Calum, please, can we just talk?" she calls out, and I can hear her footsteps in the snow as she gets closer to me. She puts her hand on my shoulder from behind as soon as she catches up with me and soon enough she's next to me.

"Why?" I ask her coldly and continue walking.

"I'm sorry, okay? I really am, I heard that you went to the hospital and I just-"

"I don't need your pity," I say with a clenched jaw.

"Alright, I get it, I get it, but that doesn't mean that I'm not sorry! You were just being so rude and unreasonable, and I just snapped," she tried to explain.

"I'm rude and unreasonable because I want people to leave me alone!" I reply.

"Ever thought about the fact that it could help you to let someone in?!" she asks loudly.

"Why are you doing this? You said it yourself, I'm not worth it!" I nearly yell and pick up my speed.

"I didn't mean it like-"

"Yes, you did, and you're right! Nothing is worth it anymore! When Jake was still here, it didn't matter that we weren't the coolest kids in school, or that we didn't get all the ladies, because we were happy, and that was enough!" I yell as tears fill up my eyes and threaten to spill over. Nope, cross that, they actually do spill over.

"But since he died, nothing has been worth it! I'm not happy anymore! Just because life chose to f.uck me over, I don't want to do anything anymore! I'm just tired of everything and I want to be left alone!" My voice cracks at the end and I lose it completely. The tears roll down my face in a never-ending stream and I want nothing more than to let my knees give in and just fall to the ground, but I don't, because Alaska walks over and hugs me tightly.

She hugs me and tells me that everything is going to be okay, and for the first time in very long I almost believe it. Just almost, though. Because a part of me, a significantly bigger part of me not to mention, believes that things will never be okay again, and even though I know that each breath we take has to be given back at some point, it's just unfair that Jake had to give them back so early, and I'm scared that the guilt will never go away, but as Alaska hugs me and tells me everything will be okay, I at least don't feel like I'm completely alone anymore.

Yay, an update! And I'm out of drafts! Time to panic! 

No, just kidding, but I can't guarantee that I will post weekly now because of school and everything... I'll have to see what I can do...

I'm so mad bc when I wrote this chapter I really liked it, and now when I read through it I'm like "this is not half as good as I thought, wth is this?" 

But anyways, what do you think about the chapter? This is barely edited so feel free to tell me if I should change anything! 

ily guys