a/n
This one will be really sad, so if you are triggered easily, please skip.
"Dan,
It all started when you were never home, always leaving me to go out and drink with your friends.
You would stumble back into the house well past midnight and shout at me. I knew you were within a drunken state, but I always believed them. Because alcohol changes actions, not morals.
I always thought I would believe these things until the day I die, and I guess I was right.
So here I am today, asking you to change once I'm gone. Maybe get rid of your habits and actually keep your unkind words to yourself.
Because all they do is cause pain.
So much pain.
I loved you so much Daniel James Howell, and I will for eternity.
If I could possibly scream it from my grave I would.
I still love you more than you will ever know. But I can't do this anymore.
I'm sorry, and I love you so much.
-Phil "
Dan sat there, his hands trembling as he finished up reading the letter.
Phil lie there, an empty bottle of pills and vodka next to him.
Phil was gone.
His Phil, was gone
And it was all his fault.
Tears starting rushing out of his eyes as Dan laid down next to Phil, he stared into his once beautiful ocean orbs that were now pale and empty.
Dan slowly reached out his hand and gently closed Phil's lifeless eyes with two fingers.
He would never see them again.
He would never hear his gentle laugh.
And mostly, he would never see him walk down the aisle.
He was going to do it tonight, ask him to be his, for forever. He had stopped drinking for almost a week now, and left the friends that destroyed him.
Dan shakily moved Phil's ivory fringe to reveal his empty face. His chest didn't rise and fall like it did when Dan would lay beside him before, and his pale skin was even whiter than it was before.
Even more tears streamed out of Dan's eyes and he pulled himself into a fetal position. His shoulders shook violently as ugly sobs escaped his mouth.
His knees shook as he painfully arose from his spot on the carpet next to his lost love, another hot tear trickled down his red and tired face. Dan slowly stumbled to the flat's small bathroom. He studied his puffy red eyes and tear stained cheeks. His eyes lowered to he slits on his wrist.
Various lines tattered his arm, cuts old and new lye there, scarring for eternity.
Dan hurriedly opened a drawer and dug to the back of the drawer, a place Phil would of never gone. Hidden there was a small box of blades, old and new, big and small, sharp and dull, used. He gingerly picked a larger, longer, sharper, blade up, not really caring if it made small slices on his delicate fingers.
Dan tore violent, bloody gashes into is arm. Thick deep red liquid streamed from the new cuts as he did more
"It's all your fault" three more lines.
"You were never there" he tore ruthlessly at his tanned and scarred skin, his crimson blood gushed out like waves.
Dan lay on his bathroom floor, his wrists in agonizing pain that he deserved. He had killed his sunshine.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine"
Memories flashed through Dan's head of how he used to be, endless nights sobbing, a self hatred, a loss of faith in himself.
It was like that for so long, until one day a small youtuber he had loved replied to his comment, and they slowly started becoming friends.
Over those times, Dan was slowly healing, as him and Phil's friendship slowly grew.
"You make me happy, when skies are grey"
More memories appeared, this time when Dan had to study for Uni.
He had broken down, unable to take the inevitable pressure and stress of attempting to achieve a law career.
Motionless he lay in a ball on the floor, Phil on the sofa above him.
But Phil didn't stop him, or shout at him, he slowly covered him with a blanket and lay next to him, whispering small words of encouragement to him.
"You'll never know dear, how much I love you"
It was snowy and we were outside, messing around and trying to film his new interactive video.
Dan had fallen on ice and accidently took Phil with him, Phil landing on top of the cinnamon haired boy, a hot blush spread across both of their cheeks.
Then suddenly Phil had closed the gap between their cold and chapped lips. Nothing too drastic, just a sweet, passionate kiss that Dan never wanted to end.
The minute they had broken apart Dan said in a shaky breath.
"I love you, Philip Michael Lester, and I always will"
"So please don't take my, sunshine away"
The memories stopped, his sunshine was gone.
His mind suddenly went cloudy, as his eyes got heavy and lowered themselves closed.
Everything went black for a few minutes, and then suddenly Dan felt as if he was dropped into a room, a hallway.
At the end of the corridor there was a door, and lining the hallway was pictures in frames, all from moments of Dan's life.
The first photo he found was seemingly him, on the day of his birth. Then followed by photos of him growing up.
He followed the row of photos before reaching a certian one, set in a crowded train station on a cold, October day.
It was two boys hugging, the first hug. The one to start it all. All the photos after this one, he seemed to smile brighter, to embrace who he really was, and to love himself a little more.
He continued down the corridor, until he finally reached a black wooden door, a key hanging on a piece of thing string from a hanger beside the locked entrance.
Dan grabbed the key and put it in the knob, he slowly turned the key and heard the creak of the door opening, he left the gallory of his life and entered a room.
White mist surrounded him as he closed the door behind him, and he swore he heard a pleasingly familiar voice in the distance.
"Dan?? Dan is that you???" The void before him echoed.
The minute he heard the soothing voice he knew who it was.
"......Phil"
