The Animal Within You

Chapter 36

                  

Stuffing the last few presents under the Christmas tree, I brushed my knees before heading to the kitchen to pull out a tray of gingerbread and chocolate chip cookies. Dad was currently prepping for the Christmas dinner happening tomorrow night, making enough for all of the family and friends showing up. We typically celebrated tonight on Christmas Eve, but tomorrow worked best for anyone driving from different states. For now, dozens of presents sat under our quirky tree, unopened.

"What time is everyone showing up tomorrow?" I questioned, placing the hot trays over to the far counter while I brought out the wired cooling tray.

"Can't wait to open your presents?" My father joked, looking over at the piles of presents underneath the tree. I chucked a warm cookie at him, hitting him on the shoulder. Snorting, he continued to cut away at the vegetables. "I told them to be here at 4 o'clock, but you know that means later for them."

"Totally not surprised," I laughed, transferring the last cookie onto the cooling rack before sliding the warm trays into the sink. "Did you set the speakers up yet? I have all of the music sorted out for tomorrow." Opening the fridge, I organized the space a little more to give dad room for his meal prep. I carefully slid the chocolate mousse cake over to the side; it took me a few tries before I finally got it to look the way it should. Mom usually made it every year for Christmas, and I wanted to continue the tradition no matter how many times I butchered the recipe.

"Not yet, but I'll do it tomorrow morning before I start setting up the rooms." He answered, wrapping up the bowls of vegetables and cut meat with plastic wrap. There was a beat of silence before he continued with a softer voice, "Your grandparents are coming tomorrow." Looking up in surprise, I furrowed my eyebrows at him.

"You mean—"

"Yeah." He smiled at me, passing over bowls to put in the fridge. "They're still mourning, but they'd rather be with you and everyone then by themselves."

"I miss them," I whispered, my throat suddenly going dry on me. "Tomorrow is going to be a good day." Grinning, I put the last of the ingredients into the fridge and closed the door, turning to my dad at the sink. "Want me to help with anything else?"

"Thank you, honey, but I think we're good for the night." Wrapping his arm around my shoulders, he gave me a kiss on the forehead. "Go get some sleep, I'll head upstairs in a bit." Nodding, I trotted up the stairs, loosening my hair from the ponytail I had all day. I immediately felt more relaxed, running my hands through my long locks before heading into the bathroom to take a shower. From all of the baking I've done today, I seriously needed it.

Once I showered, applied my skin care products, and blow dried my hair, I wrapped the towel around my body before trotting to my room, lightly shutting the door behind me. Despite it already being 11 o'clock at night, I was wide awake and in need of a run. Peering out my window, I searched for the bodyguards I knew were hiding within the perimeter of my house, keeping a lookout for hybrids.

I sighed, knowing that a late night run wasn't plausible if I valued my life.

Changing into sweatpants and a baggy sweater, I slid on my fuzzy slippers and grabbed a thick blanket before opening the window and stepping out onto my roof, embracing the freezing chill that whipped at my face. As the wind blew, my discomfort flew with it. Sitting down and wrapping my arms around my knees along with my blanket, I stared up at the clear sky, focusing on the brilliant crescent moon. I felt a strange sense of nostalgia, which I was sure was due to memories hidden deep within my brain. Instead of being bothered by it, I accepted it.

"Your mother did this a lot."

I smiled. "Hey, Sage."

"Good evening, Caitlyn. I see you're in a weird place." She murmured, spreading warmth through my bones. "You're confused. Why?" I shrugged, tucking my chin to my knees as I processed my thoughts.

"It's strange, Sage. I'm strange." She waited for me to continue, surprisingly patient tonight. "It's the second Christmas I won't be spending with my mom, and it kills me."

"But?" Sage coaxed, her voice soothing to my ears. I took a staggering breath.

"For once, I feel like I'll be okay. Nothing can describe the pain I feel every morning when I wake up, see the sun shining, and know that it's looking down at one less person. Nothing can describe how I feel knowing my life is stripped of my mother's love, voice, and embrace. It hurts so much that it's suffocating." I swallowed, gritting my teeth. My heart hammered in my chest, and I closed my eyes to focus on the wind gliding over my face. "Lately, it hasn't been hard to breathe. The happiness I feel and the smiles I make are no longer fake like they used to be. The pain I've experienced since she left has somehow become...bearable—"

I broke off with a sob, shaking my head. "I feel guilty for it."   

"Young one, why do you believe sadness is the only thing you are allowed to feel?"

"She's never going to come back, Sage. It hasn't been long since she died—"

"You feel as though you haven't mourned enough." She finished for me, simple and to the point. I felt her ponder a bit and imagined her pacing on all fours. "I can relate. However, I'm sure you know this better than anyone else, but your mother would never want this for you. She would never want you to spend your days living a sad, unforgiving life."

"I know," I replied weakly. "I just can't let go."

"You don't need to let go. It's okay to be happy, Caitlyn. It's normal to be confused when one is used to a certain routine. Although she is gone, your father is still here with you. Not only him, but your comrades as well. It may seem as though you live in a world that is possessed by loneliness, but in actuality you are simply lost." Sage took a pause, which felt oddly comforting. "Maria is gone physically, but she's here in spirit. I'm here, am I not?"

I swallowed, taking in her words. It was hard to accept all that has happened, but I realized that Sage was right. I wasn't alone. I still had so many people loving me, and I loved them back with every fiber of my being. Not only that, but Sage was one of the only solid things that I had received from my mother. It was still a mystery to me how Sage came to be, but ever since I entered the Academy, I learned that not everything can be answered.

"Thank you, Sage." I sniffled, rubbing my eyes with the sleeve of my sweater. "I'm sorry, I'm really bad at handling my emotions."

"You're human, child. Your mother was just like you when she was your age." Somehow, I felt her shrug, and I knew she was smiling. "She was emotional, and overthought many things. It's something you understand as you get older." I looked up at the sky once more, gazing at the moon in a new light. All I felt was acceptance and contentment.

"I'm grateful to have you as my animal."

"Having you as a host isn't so bad." She replied nonchalantly, and I returned it with an eye roll. I recognized that Sage was being sincere, she just had a funny way of showing it. As I continued to sit on the roof, I watched as a single flurry fell onto my knee and disappeared into the dark fabric. It was starting to snow, and I noticed just how freezing it was now. "You should go inside before you catch a cold, child."

"When you're around, I don't feel the cold like I normally do." I grinned, eagerly witnessing the snow falling faster. "I'll do as I'm told, though. Thank you again." My knees cracked as I rose from my spot, stretching my limbs loosely. There was a long silence, and I assumed Sage had left when suddenly, I felt a soft, warm weight around my shoulders. It had a weird consistency, like fur, but it pumped me with a tender fondness that I've never experienced before.    

Sage had hugged me.

"Sleep. Dawn will approach soon." With that, all traces of her were gone.