Excerpts

Delete This

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING WILL BE EXPLICIT. I CANNOT AND WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE READER'S TRAUMA AND MEDICAL BILLS. ONCE THIS IS READ, IT CANNOT BE UNREAD. IT MAY CAUSE TRIGGERS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. IF YOU STILL WISH TO GO FORTH, BY ALL MEANS APPROACH WITH CAUTION.

Dear... Self errr Whomever the unlucky dipshit that has their grimy hands on this. I don't really give a flying fuck.

I'm just doing this as an assignment. My councilor suggested it could help me. The shrink thinks I can be helped. If I didn't promise my mom, best believe I wouldn't even think about writing this shit. It is just the right time, the right situation. Luckily, I give a fuck about my mom and my promises. Which is more than what I can say for anything else.

Here goes nothing.

Do you ever write a letter, but you end up delete it? Or chicken scratching it out or upsettingly crumbling it up and tossing it in the trash. Perhaps it was too personal, too confusing, too long, too much information, too desperate, too much of anything? In the end, you just couldn't being yourself to the whole world, their judgement, opinions, and ridicule.

This is how my late afternoon/early evening on Saturday went... Ahem... (I have no idea why I just "ahem" when I'm writing. Perhaps, I'm mentally clearing my throat? Ummm... Yea. I'm going to go with that.) Anyfucks, my Saturday, when I was hanging out with him again...
~~~~~[Flashback]~~~~~~~~~~~~
- "Why are you so afraid?"

+ "I'm not afraid."

- "Yes. You are.  You are letting your fear of the whole world rule over your level of comfort. I know what happiness looks like. and I'm not seeing it."

+ "You're wrong. I am plenty happy. Has anyone told you, you're nosy. Don't worry about me. You should mind your own business."

- "What I want to know is why. Why aren't you happy?"

+ "Shut up."

- "Why do you hide behind that hard exterior?"

+ "shut up! I'm going to ignore you."
Yes. I have resorted to the silent treatment. I was beginning to get ticked at this point. Can he not take a hint? Is he that shît dumb? Fucking drop it.

He held me by my shoulders and looking at me. I'm talking about into my eyes, the Windows to my soul. Where even the bravest sailor would spontaneously combust if they attempted such an act. Where this kid got balls, I'll never know.

- "why do you make it so hard to reach you? Why do you push everyone away? You're too good for this. You deserve better." He pushed further.

I couldn't take it anymore.

+ "listen asswipe! Get off my dick and Quit tryin' ta push this. Ride's over." I've had enough of his shit.

I didn't know what to say. and even if I did I couldn't say anything in response. I was shell-shocked. So I reacted the way any crazy person like me would. I flipped him off then I left that bitch sitting on his thumb.

~~~~[End Flashback]~~~~~~~~~~

From what you have gathered, I have no filter in my mind and on paper. Fuck is my favorite word.

I was upset to say the least. What gave him to right to judge me?!? I don't have to explain myself to anybody! I don't give 2 flying fucks about his opinion of me. I just didn't want to hear it.

The Bish barely knows me. The Asshole don't know my struggles. He doesn't know my troubles. He don't know my life.

I needed my space. I needed to cool off. People like that piss me off. People who push and push at your walls, trying to take a peep into your mind. I got news for you, buddy! My metaphorical walls don't break down. Try climbing over the electric wires with spikes everywhere. Besides, my walls only break when I let them. If I let them. I try not to let people like him get to me. And it usually doesn't. But this time, I'm not so sure. Maybe it's something about his piercing eyes... Or devilish smirk when he knows he got you... or some bullshit along those lines. I couldn't tell you. I don't even know. You have no idea how much it frustrates me. That's what I hate most about him.

Every Time I see him, I don't know weather to kiss the hell out of him or slap him so hard I won't care if his fucking sharp ass jaw slices my hand in half. And bitch, quit tryin to psychoanalyze me. Everyone has problems, it doesn't mean you have to point it out and poke and prod at 'em.

The truth is he's right. He had completely hit the fucking nail on the fucking head. The world is not ready for me. --- or was it --- I, who's not ready?

I need to stop thinking so much. I am in their verge of going bat shit crazy. He keeps distracting me with his Adonis like self. Which is the only good thing going for him. Everything else can fucking jump off a cliff. The bastard had a way of getting under my skin.

It was just some dumb thing I did to kill time. It doesn't mean anything. He didn't have to go and ruin it for me. Why did he have to blow it up and make it a big deal? It's anything but!

Ugh! What a fuckin headache!

That's it I'm done! I'm turning this "assignment" in. The councilor better hook me up with some real good stuff. God knows I'm fucked up. I need everything I can get. Should I even be paying them, I'm nowhere near normal. With the amount of business I give them, maybe I'd get a discount. Or better yet, complimentary for years of loyal service. Is it even worth it? Turning in this "assignment" for a quick high?

Fuck that. My dealer probably has better shit.

I have too many monsters that I'm running from to face.

Maybe... I guess this is one of those stupid letters I'll probably delete too. People are let down all the time. Promises were meant to be broken.

All the high in the world cannot help me.

My fingertips hovering over the [delete] button. I had already hit [Ctrl + a]. The question was did I really want to erase all of the progress I made. I breath in, and release. And I make a split decision.

Fuck it!

SO..... HOW WAS IT? IT'S A LITTLE ROUGH. AT THIS POINT IN TIME. ANY SUGGESTIONS? I THINK THIS WILL JUST STAY A VAGUE ONE-SHOT. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS AND GIVING IT A CHANCE.

PLAY A GAME WITH ME! HOW MANY "FUCK"s DO YOU COUNT IN THIS CHAPTER?