While It Lasts

Drown It

So there I was, mindin my own fuckin business. Holding up that fence firmly, as if my life depended on it.

Well, I manager to convince myself of this, I'll tell you that much. But that was besides the point.

I was at the very same bar that I met the beautifully raven-haired boy names Brian Warner at, drinking away. I'd been thinking a lot, which isn't good while drinking, but no fucking one is going to stop me.

There was Annabelle, a seventeen year old girl that came up on stage when I still had to play with little army men then played with me. She was a sweetheart that somehow managed to find a little place in my heart, someone to whom I could surprisingly relate to but she was never around anymore. I missed her sweetness & endearing childishness, but her recent actions led me to believe that soon I will be missing her more. Anna is a ticking time bomb, a danger to herself. On her eighteenth birthday she would be gone & that day is coming fast like the speed of the ground coming up to a suicide jumper.

I've been such an ass hole lately, to everyone. My parents, the both of them, frequently only experienced constant I'll-tempered fits when I was around, which they faced with silence but their actions spoke loud & clear. And also my brother had to face rude remarks as well as a few punches, but him knowing how I could be he let it slide. Billy was not one to argue. He simply ignored whatever bothered him, which was completely opposite to how I dealt with ass holes. And sometimes this made me wanna be more like him, but I am how I am & he is who he is. I envy his kindness, still. I wished I didn't have to hurt so many people simply because I was like that & I couldn't control it. If I knew any better, I would have stopped being such a meanie to my parents, but I had no control. I kept on like it was nothing, as if I was completely inconsiderate. And in those anger fueled moments, I was. Looking back to the disappointed & saddened expressions my parents had made me cringe. I'm sorry mom & dad. You didn't deserve any of that. I sucked as a son while they were the best parents as they could be.

Brad, whom I had known for at least a year was my closest friend to date & was also much like a brother to me, got into an argument with me over some dumb shit I thought was reasonable enough to argue about. He felt belittled at the end & all he wanted to do was make up with me, but what I did was continuously degrade him just because. Gidget had not a single mean bone in his system, so all he did was say "I'm sorry!" while I yelled endless insults to him. This was three days ago, that was already forgiven, but still I felt like an ass hole. Brad was more like a sweet little brother to me, and also a big brother. Something to that effect. I took care of him whilst he took care of me. I talked, he listened. And vise versa. It wasn't that he talked, I talked. No. We both had our turns, but it's more often that he'd listen to my rants, really listen. It was something not even my parents did. Gidget really listened. And I hoped he didn't fully listen when I was hurting him, but we all know that that was unlikely. I never meant anything there, no matter how much it looked like I did.

My short fuse seemed more explosive recently & that was not something I was proud of. No one I hurt deserved it & believe me, it was a longer list of people I hurt. Of course that was not something I was necessarily proud of. Everyone I hurt doesn't deserve it, unless I meant it. More often than not, I don't mean it.

And then there were people smart enough to move away before I push them away. Some of them at are still here, but I have the slightest hunch that they will leave soon. I don't know who'd be first to go: Annabelle or them?

And then some of the people I talked to, those who claimed to be an ally, probably wanted to leave the moment I was with them. They stuck around so they wouldn't be deemed as rude, but I ain't a dumb ass & I know who's fucking faking shit.

But me being the inferior piece of dependent fecal matter, I didn't want to leave anyone. Pathetic, wasn't I?

There were two sides to the coin. One wanted to have the world, the other rejected the world. Perhaps it was simple if someone were to just analyze it... I needed someone but I was too scared to lose them. It was either I pushed them away before that happened, keep them but wind up hating them after a while (I couldn't fucking settle down with people. It was like I looked for a reason to hate somebody), or for them to leave me.

And any of those three options listed above are all because of me. Whatever it is, I brought it upon myself. If they left me, it was my fault. If I left them, them it was my fault.

Okay, I was a complex guy. I was a damn mystery to even myself. Take back what I said about being easy to analyze.

Drunk off my ass & on the peak of self loathing, I continued to drink more of whatever it is I was drinking. I was a little numb & possibly disoriented, which was unusual because my alcohol tolerance was strong. Apparently I've beaten a new record! I haven't been wasted beyond repair for quite a while. It felt nice & new yet weird & dizzying. Could I stand? How could I get home?
Schmo!!!
Ass hole!
Bastard!
Dumb ass!
Loser!
Pathetic little scum bag, the fuck you doing here? Drownin' your sorrows away?! You called people like this sheep. Look at you now! You're a fucking hypocrite, too.
Well.. Maybe when the time comes & we're not going to be famous, which at this point looks like a high possibility, I think I'd just end it. Basically, I had one foot in the grave & I was just counting on everyone's failure in order to do that. I figured, what else would I do if The Spooky Kids wasn't a reality? It wasn't like I had anything better. What would my little crush say about that, huh? If I were to just kill myself, how would Brian feel....?

Oh, & did I mention.. I was queer?! Hahahaha I liked Manson... I loved Manson! This was not the alcohol talking. Maybe, partly it was because I'd never admit this to myself, but I'd been feeling it.

I dreamt he'd love me, I longed for his love. Even the slightest touch of his fingertips against mine, or even the bump of our shoulders, was nough to cause a blush to creep onto my cheeks. His beautiful smile, how they curled on his perfectly defined cheeks, how they showed off his pearly white teeth, & how his ever-changing eye colors light up whenever he smiled... It melted me like snow in spring. Seeing him was enough to put a smile on my face, even for a second. Silly little Stephen...

Brian was just so beautiful. The way he carried himself with such confidence turned me on. The way his soft, long black hair flowed in the wind, around his perfect face made me look at him with such adoration that may or may not involve me drooling over the deep voiced singer.. Oh, god! His voice! It was calming & beautiful, like how some instruments sometimes give off that weird purring noise. Then his voice could turn into an angry tone that one would never associate with his soothing self, but yes it is the same damn guy I'm in love with. Oh.. & don't forget how his moans sounded like.

But ahhhh... I could never have him. I was an ass, he would leave, or I would hate him.

But, hey, if you're still not listening, here's how it would sound like: Fuck him, I don't need him! Fuck love I don't believe in that shit!!

Or something like that.

Cheers to never being able to be happy!! I smirked, for no reason whatsoever, then raised the glass before taking a huge gulp.

And another.

And another.

And another.

And another to drown out my desperation. I slapped the glass bottle down as hard as I possibly could without breaking it, then let out a loud sigh. Fuck, it was bitter sweet. Kinda burned my throat as it went down, I felt it flowing downwards.

A little more of those sips, except smaller, I was mellow & numb. And also probably can't stand up anymore.

There was a hand on my shoulder, a feeling that was unexpected & also a little surprising. I didn't flinch nor did I react, the only response I gave was to take another sip.

"C'mon." Ushered the raven haired singer I oh, so, adored. Apparently I followed him after that.