Moving On (Solangelo)

Chapter 11: Nico

I got too wrapped up in Will.

I got too wrapped up in my happiness.

I got too wrapped up in myself to remember the day that I promised myself I would never, ever forget.

I was lying alone in bed when it happened.  Will had left my cabin a few minutes ago to head to breakfast, but I'd told him I wanted to stay in bed, so he promised to bring me back a plate of food.  I was thinking about him, about us, about how insanely lucky I was, and that maybe we could go down to the lake today, since it seemed like it would be a hot one.  And I was fiddling with my skull ring.

The ring that Bianca gave me, the last connection I have to her.

And I realized what day it was.

And the absent-minded smile slid off my face.

How could I have forgotten?  How could I be happy right now, be smiling and making petty plans?

I stumbled out of bed, half-blind with a heavy, black grief and a white hot self-hatred.

I threw on the first clothes I could find – black, of course, always black.  I always wore black, especially on this day.

Bolting out the door, I set out for the pegasus stables, but I was blocked by a familiar, smiling figure, brandishing a plate heaped with food, the mere smell of which made my clenching stomach want to empty itself.

But upon seeing my face, Will's smile fell away, and he asked tentatively, "Nico?  Are–"

But I couldn't stand here listening to this poor, clueless boy talk to me like I was a lovable person, like I wasn't so fucked up, like I deserved the happiness he brought to my life.  And suddenly my rage at myself boiled over and turned outward and I felt my face twist into a snarl as I shoved his chest with both hands so he stumbled back a few steps and almost dropped the plate and I shouted "Shut up!  Just SHUT UP!  Leave me alone!"

And then I took off again for the stables, and at first he just stood there, shocked, I suppose, but then I heard the plate clatter to the ground as he chased after me.  But I was too fast, I was the wind ripping at your clothes and the bird diving for its prey and the prey running, running, running from its doom.  He still hadn't caught up to me when I reached the pegasi and swung myself up onto the nearest one, who whinnied in surprise, and I whispered into his ear where I needed to go.

And as if he could feel my urgency, my desperation, he wasted no time in taking off, and soon we were in the air, and then I seemed to blink and we were landing, and I practically fell off the winged horse in my hurry to get down, and I ran up to the top of the small grassy hill, beneath the tree that I had watched grow over the years, and I fell to my knees beside her grave.

I'm sorry, I thought, or prayed, or shouted, or whispered – I honestly don't know which.  I'm sorry, Bianca.  I swear on the River Styx I haven't forgotten you, I was just stupid, so stupid.  I miss you so much.  Tears rolled down my cheeks and soaked into my skin and shirt as I prayed to my sister for forgiveness.

I was never supposed to be older than my older sister.  It was wrong, so terribly, cosmically wrong.

I don't know how much time passed, but my eyes were closed when I heard the thump and clop of a pegasus landing, and I knew that he'd followed me.  I brought my knees up to my chest and curled into a tiny ball, wishing I was invisible.  Why couldn't he mind his own business?  Why couldn't he see how wrong it was for him to be here with me today?  Why couldn't he understand that someone who was so self-centered that he forgot his dead sister's birthday didn't even begin to deserve someone like Will?