Data Doesn't Lie (Johnlock)

Chapter 6

SHERLOCK

I had no idea where I was walking or why. I knew I had to get out of this damn flat before I lost my senses entirely. For the first time in my life, I didn't know what to do. I hadn't the foggiest idea.

How could I do that to John? I had been so caught up in my own blistering emotions I'd completely forgotten that he had his own. John was straight, he'd always been. He'd always denounce any idea of us being together right away. It made my chest ache, but a small, naive part of me somehow still found pride in what I had done. I silenced it, collapsing onto a park bench that resided next to a historical graveyard. The one where "I" was buried. Nobody would notice me, nobody would remember, it was perfect.

My phone buzzed relentlessly in my pocket, but I ignored it. John, awaiting my return, probably saying that we needed to talk. I didn't want to talk about what happened. I shamed myself once more for leaving John alone when whoever shot at him could return. I still hadn't found out who, and by God I hoped that was the cause of this human roller coaster I'd been subjected to.

I leaned my head back, the backrest of the wooden bench pressing into my neck. It hurt a bit, but that didn't matter. I sat in complete silence, afraid that if I tried to speak, the first words would be an unwilling confession. I loved John Watson, and he would never love me back. I'd known it all this time, of course, but the pain bore fresh in my mind. I was overcome with the desire to rush back to him, to hold and kiss him again and tell him the truth. Alas, it could never be so.

I tried to think, repairing the barriers of my mind palace that centered around emotions. The room was oh so small, more like a broom cupboard than anything, but was mostly complied of barriers. High, thick steel walls that kept the pain and hurt away from me. I'd let John in, now I would have to recover from it.

Once the walls were as high as they could be at the time, my mind drifted to the case at hand. Though I'd made my presence known to Lestrade, I'd rejected any case he'd wanted to give me for the sake of finding John's attacker. This case was driving me crazy, because I knew of no one who would want to hurt John who wasn't already dead or on my hit list. I hardly scraped the surface of the answers I needed before night fell and the land became dark about me. I would have to face him now. I grimaced at the thought, rising from the park bench, my heavy heart dragging my feet as I stumbled back to Baker street.

JOHN

I couldn't help but smile to myself as I leaned back into the couch. Sherlock loved me, or liked me at least. It was too perfect, and even with my confusion of the nature of the situation, a large part of me that I'd been ignoring for so long felt accomplished and happy. It felt so good to be happy again. I gave a little sigh, waiting for Sherlock to return.

I admit that I was worried about him, but I knew that he wasn't going to get himself hurt after an event like our recent kiss. I was overwhelmed with the desire to feel his lips on mine again, and for once I didn't feel awkward about it at all. Perfect, too perfect.

I heard the front door swing open with a frustrated creak, and my heart fluttered at the possibilities. I didn't really have a plan, but I knew what I wanted by the end of the day. I wanted Sherlock, I always had.

His steps thundered as he trudged up the staircase, swinging the door open with a slightly suspicious amount of force. I smiled up at him from my seat. "Sherlo-" I started, but he paid me no mind. He didn't even remove his coat and scarf, the tail flapping vigorously as he made his way to his room without a second glance.

I frowned, knowing that wouldn't stop me from getting what I wanted. I rose quickly, grabbing the tail of his scarf right before he disappeared into his room. Sherlock made a choking noise, grabbing at the scarf to pull it back from his throat. Thank God the man had a leash.

"Sherlock, don't you want to talk about this?" He refused to look at me. "No," he said flatly, trying to pull away. I gave his scarf another yank, pulling him back to me with another gargle and a cold glare from him. "Too bad," I said assertively. A brief flash of emotion crossed his features, but disappeared too quickly to decipher. His voice was all too steady and gave away nothing. "I'm sorry, John. Our kiss was a mistake, and will not be repeated." His tone was too cold not to believe. I physically felt my heart sink. A mistake? Everything I've ever wished for had been a mistake? I couldn't find my words, feeling my heart break over and over again. It was just as bad as the fall, probably worse because he was alive and still rejecting me. So close, and yet so far.

Sherlock took my silence as an invitation to wriggle his scarf from my grasp, turning tail and quickly locking himself in his room. I stood in horrible silence for what felt like hours. I felt cold, numb, and empty. He didn't love me.

I'd been so foolish, so stupid. Of course he didn't love me. Sherlock Holmes is married to his work. Finally, I turned back from his door and made the painful ascent up the stairs to my own lonely bedroom. Once there, I threw myself on my bed, not bothering to change, and didn't sleep at all until I was sure the tears had died away.

SHERLOCK

I closed the door firmly, making sure all the locks were bolted. I flung myself into bed, gripping the sheets with immeasurable anger. I couldn't believe what I'd told John, but I knew it had to be done for the sake of our friendship. Secretly I wondered if John really did have feelings for me. My stomach fluttered at such an idea, but my head swam in regret because I'd confirmed that we'd never have chance.

I hated what I'd done, hated my words. I hated the look of confusion and...could it have been disappointment on John's face? No, of course not. I hated my emotions that I'd buried so deep for so long. I hated my brain and heart and body. Most of all, I hated myself.

Of course I had my ego, and my work and intelligence, but I wasn't without flaws. In fact, I felt the worst person on this planet. God, how I hated myself. I could never be bothered by the worthless comments of my peers with John around. John, who thought me brilliant and amazing when others warned him of insanities and dangers. But what about when John wasn't there? Molly had said it herself once.

"You look sad when you think he can't see you."

I didn't understand her then, but now, with such an overbearing pain and hatred, I was starting to. I forced myself up, peeling my shell of a body from the bed and shedding my coat, scarf, and shirt. I stumbled clumsily into the bathroom, blinded by sitstill tears and frustration. I looked into the mirror for what felt like ages. The same whispy voice infiltrated my mind in my time of vulnerability, and I let it twist the truth in my head and cloud my thoughts with painful seeds of doubt. For a moment, the voice was Mycroft's, which made it all the worse.

Look at you. Ugly, worthless, stupid. How do you expect someone like John to love such a pompous, arrogant slimeball like you? Honestly, brother dear, you really are stupid.

The voice slowly shifted, and my breathing was too heavy to push it away with force. Before I knew it, the voice was high and accented, and Moriarty spoke to me, sickeningly sweet.

Poor Sherly, unloved and unwanted. I don't blame him of course, look at you! Filthy and criminal and destined for insanity. Just like me, Sherlock. He'd get bored of you, just as I did. Why don't you do us a favor, roll over and die won't you?

I felt like vomiting, I felt like crying and self-harming like a troubled teenager again. I stared at my reflection, disgusted. Of course the voices were right, they always were. Maybe I should listen, I thought distastefully. Maybe I should just...roll over and die.

A scratchy mix between a laugh and a sob shook my body. I dipped my head into the grimy basin of the sink. If I couldn't live without love, like any other worthless human being, why should I live at all?

SORRY NOT SORRY FOR SUCH A FEELSY CHAPTER but there is only worse to come so I'll issue a quick feels warning and possibly self-harm for the next chapter so if your sensitive to that beware! Thank you guys so much for reading and I promise I'll get back to you asap. Teetee a fen, tata or now!
~Shay