Brandon's Notebook (A TMMM Bonus Material)

Journal 23: The Good-Intentioned and The Gutted

A/N: This next post  covers TMMM's Chapter 32: All That Is Shattered. I think we all knew that in his heart, Brandon couldn't have truly believed the photos. But his frustration with Charlotte's reaction to seeing her mother, to what he feels is a failure for hurting her when he wanted the exact opposite, to his own fears about not being the man who could make Charlotte happy—they all pushed him over to a very dark side (hehe, Star Wars, ya!) He's a man with a lot of pride, who's not used to not knowing what to do, to failing at doing what he thought was the right thing, to being with someone who might be a just a tad bit more willful than he is. So yes, he kind of fell apart here.

Hope you enjoy!

***

Training as a CEO, my whole life on the daily has been full of decisions. Of big risks for large gains.

I, of all people, should know the costs of the gamble. It could mean multi-million dollar losses. It could mean several thousand jobs. It could mean the collapse of a family legacy. So far, I've made good business decisions but the repercussions of one bad choice always lurk in the the back of my mind, keeping me on my toes and reminding me that I'm not invincible.

But none of that prepared me for what I'd lost tonight.

It wouldn't make headlines. It wouldn't bring the law and the media down on my door tomorrow. It wouldn't impact the global economy.

It would, however, kill me.

Not right away because that would be too kind. I'll probably bleed slowly and steadily for a long time until one day, all of me has been let out. And I'll probably smile on that last day because death would be easier than living the rest of my life with this agony.

When I stopped by Georgia on my way to a business summit in Georgia, I thought I was doing the right thing, talking to Louisa Samuels. I had one request—that she see Charlotte once, if not to make amends, to at least have closure. She didn't think Charlotte would want to see her and I didn't try to convince her otherwise. Instead, I suggested she makes her appearance at Dad's birthday, in a public setting. I wanted Charlotte to at least see her. If she didn't want to talk to her mother right then, she could at least think it over while keeping a distance.

But I underestimated just how deep Charlotte's anger ran.

When she met my eyes the moment she realized what I'd done, she'd looked utterly betrayed.

I didn't betray her.

I just wanted to help her because Charlotte would never do it for herself.

But she was so furious that all I could hear in my head were all the doors she was slamming shut on me.

And then she ran off—straight into Jake's arms—instead of staying and finishing this fight.

I thought I was already losing her then.

But when I sat down in my office and opened an envelope full of photos of my wife and my best friend, I wondered if I'd long lost her without even knowing it.

Are we simply paying for my miscalculation tonight or did it just become an easy excuse for Charlotte to cut the ties she'd never wanted in the first place?

And is the woman plaguing Jake the one he couldn't have because she's already mine?

Those were some of the questions I started with no matter how much I told myself that it was just a ploy. I'd shoved the photos back into the envelope, determined to burn them into ashes because there was no way any of them could be true.

But it was like being pricked by a tainted needle.

It was too late.

Suspicion had seeped into my bloodstream, infecting every memory with doubt.

By the time the sun rose and the bottle of brandy I'd opened was nearly empty, I had nothing but monsters in my head, twisting and shattering every good and beautiful thing I'd known about me and Charlotte. Because the monsters didn't stay in my head. They were in every vile accusation I made, every mad, hurtful thing I said.

There was this brief, quiet moment when she was standing close and my head cleared for the quickest second. I could see the tears in her eyes, the color draining from her face, the trembling of her proud, stubborn chin. I'd felt the first flash of certainty I'd felt all night. She couldn't, and wouldn't have betrayed me. She was too good for that. But all too quickly after that realization, it hit me that it didn't matter now because I've done the unforgivable.

Charlotte—so beautiful, so brave, so broken.

Clearly, I'm not the man to give her the world, to make her happy, to heal her. Jake isn't either. No one is. And if I can't be any of that, then how can I ever ask her to stay?

So I didn't.

And now I feel like I'd carved my heart out.

Who can live without a heart?

Not me.

- B

***

So, what do you think?

Trust me, I was on the same boat that wanted to bash their heads together but you gotta let people make mistakes, ya know? =)

P.S. I picked this song because there's something haunting about it. There's anguish and blame and loads of other feels... 

♪♪♪ Chapter Soundtrack: Youth by Daughter ♪♪♪

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.

Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.

Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.

From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.

'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.

Setting fire to our insides for fun

Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless,

We are the wild youth

Chasing visions of our futures

One day we'll reveal the truth

That one will die before he gets there.

And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.

'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.

We're setting fire to our insides for fun.

Collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home,

It was a flood that wrecked this home.

And you caused it,

And you caused it,

And you caused it

Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette,

I'm a lifeless face that you'll soon forget,

And my eyes are damp from the words you left,

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.