Walk On Water Or Drown,Take It To Heart, I'd Hate To Be You (Destiel)

Set in the early 1950's

Dear Castiel,

I look up at the stars and wonder if you can see them where you are. I don't know where you are but I just hope that you're safe. Safe from the things that I couldn't protect you from. With all my heart I wish I could of saved you. Saved you from the disapproving glares that we got when we walked down the street that I knew broke your heart, but you would just laugh at me, and kiss me, and tell me I was being silly; and I wish could of saved you from the rain which you hated, and you would crinkle your nose and I would just stand back and admire the way the water would drip down your face and get caught in your hair, and then you would pout and whine at me, scolding me for not bringing the umbrella.

I wish I could of saved you from the shouting and the screams of the people who didn't understand you, they didn't understand that you are a person to, and you only wish that things could have been different, that your life didn't have to turn out this way. I wish I could of saved you from the anger and hurt of your family, who left you when you needed them most, who kicked you out and hit you and told you they hated you. I wish I could of saved you from the utter pain and humiliation you felt after that and the shock that you had been disowned that you stayed in bed for days and then acted like nothing happened. I wish I could of saved you from the knife that burred its self into your leg when you tripped on my birthday and nearly died, but you didn't stop apologising, dismissing my worries. I wish I could of saved you from all the pain and rejection that tore you in half, day after day.

I wish I could of saved you from the pure self hatred that you had for yourself that drove you to hurt yourself. Like that night that I came home from work and you were in the bathroom and I found you on the floor, your hair ruffled, clothes ripped and blood dripping from your wrists, and you promised me you would never do it again but you lied. I wish I could of saved you from the pout that your lips formed when you tasted my cooking and tried to be nice but spat it out, and then made us jam and toast and kissed me on the head, and told me you loved me. I wish I could of saved you from the books that made you cry and laugh and fall in love.

But most of all I wish I could of saved you from the angry mob that broke into our apartment when I was working extra shifts to pay for the engagement ring I had in my pocket, and cut you and broke you and hurt you and killed you, on the night of our anniversary.

I just wish I could of saved you.

But everybody knows this is the part where everybody breaks down. Only I can't. I cant just give up and accept that your gone. So I will wait here, day after day, night after night, until you come back to me. My mind shifts between thoughts and memories but most of the time I don't know which one is which. The memories feel so real. I can feel you.With me, laughing, crying, smiling, just being. Now though I will wait. I will wait for the day when you wake up and see me here. When you break through the dirt and push through the grass and we will live once again, happy. For now I am not living. Without you I cannot live. My heart may beat, but my heart is deceiving the eye. For really it is broken. But I know it will mend. When you come.

I sit now, with my legs crossed and my back slumped. It hurts but I know it wont be for long, you'll be back soon and tickle me and I will shoot up, and pin you down and tell you how much you mean to me, then I will kiss you; but for now I will wait.

*

And we both go down together

We'd stay there forever

Just try to get up

And I'm sorry

This wasn't easy

When I asked you, believe me

And never let go.

*

I sing to you a lot. You probably can't here me but it passes the time. I'm sorry about my messy handwriting, you know I never had nice writing, you were always the bright one. People have come and gone, dropped things of, flowers, photos and such. I just told them to 'fuck off'. I know you don't like swearing but I just want to be with you alone. I'd hate for you to wake up and us not be alone. Your sister dropped off a hard cover book and said it was your favourite as a child. I hope you don't mind, I tore a blank page from the back and am writing on it now. I found this funny pen that doesn't need ink in my coat pocket. You must of borrowed my coat and forgotten about it. Oh well, I'll give it back to you soon.

Cas, baby, it's been weeks. You haven't come back to me yet. Why not? Do you not want to? I've made a decision. If you wont come to me I'll just have to come to you. I'm not a patient person and you know that. So you're probably laughing at me, wherever you are. “Oh Dean,” you'll be saying, laughing, “How impatient you are!”

I am looking around now and there is a beautiful oak tree a couple of steps away. Although we are at the cemetery, it is quite unorganised, trees everywhere. I know if you could see it you would tsk and tap your finger to you chin and walk away because you have such a short attention span. But now it is time, for I am tried of waiting. Soon we will be together.

*

And we both go down together

And stay there forever

Just try to get up

*

The rope is hung around the tree nearby. We will be together soon Cas. I love you. I'm just tired of waiting.

Dean.