I thought about it everyday. It was my fault, after all. I had been the one to drive him away when all he had wanted was to help me.
What kind of best friend was I anyway? Not even speaking to a person who was supposed to mean so much to me before they left on a monumental journey. A journey you had known they'd wanted for all their lives. The guilt grew and blooms more every day, blossoms of pure sorrow appearing after hearing that he'd been back in town for at least six months.
He was done with me, and I should just accept it. But there was something that I just couldn't accept, the safety that Cal made me feel, his confident words and actions concerning me. He didn't deserve my anger, and I didn't have to lash out. Part of me had just wanted to.
Just wanted someone to blame for the drowning feeling I was always lost in.
But when I was with him, I felt alive. That's all gone now.
I look around at the beach from my perch on that same rock I had once shared with him. This was our spot whenever we could get away, staring out at the ocean. A cool breeze sends shivers up my arms and I gather the quilt around my shoulders that was once his, before he labeled it ours.
In that moment I missed his warmth the most. The warmth in his eyes, and in his smile. The obviously thought out messages he would send me in the morning, and the red-hot concern that I had always caused to lace his voice.
How was he? Was he happy? Did he finally get that special person he wanted by his side that he never cared to elaborate on? I would never know, all because I was hurt so deep, I had to hurt the only person that cared about me.
Tears flood my eyes, and I drop my head onto my knees, my body soon shaking with sobs. Why did it have to be me, and why did I have to do the same goddamned thing to him?
No one was to blame but me. And I'm still selfish enough to want him back.
I wipe away my last tears, and slowly slide off of the rock, before slipping my feet back into my shoes. In false hope, I pull out my phone again, only to see the picture of us staring back at me. It was hard to look at now. It was hard for me to look in the mirror; harder than usual.
I walk around the rock, my head down, pulling the quilt closer to my body.
"You gonna hog what's mine all to yourself Y/N?" I look up in shock, and find Calum Hood standing across from me, his fists shoved in his usual fitted black jeans.
"I-I... What are you doing here?" I stutter, my face flushing, "How... How long have you been here?" I ask, voice shaking. He shrugs, "I wanted you to be here, but I didn't really think you would be, but I'm really glad that you are." He says softly, looking up at me with that familiar emotion-filled look in his brown eyes.
I look down, pulling the cover close again, "I needed to get away." I almost whisper.
The beach was almost empty, seeing as how it was a secluded stretch of sand that surrounded more of a lake than the actual ocean, but I felt as if everyone's eyes were on me now.
"How are you?" He mumbles, and takes a couple of steps forward. I peep up at him, and register that he's standing only about a foot away. "And when's the last time you brushed your hair, Y/N?" A laugh tumbles out of my mouth just as a multitude of tears fall from my eyes, as I recall the childhood joke.
The fact that he still cared enough to ask how I was... After all I'd done. I cover my face, and try not to cringe as sobs fall out of my mouth. I feel the quilt life from my shoulders, and look up as it covers my head. Calum drapes it over himself too, and the end result is an uneven tent. He wraps his arms around my waist, and pulls me against his chest. I immediately lay my head on his heartbeat, feeling the waves of calm that come with the even thumping of his heart. "Relax, Y/N." He murmurs, and I can feel his breath against my scalp. "I-I'm sorry..." I stutter out. "Shhh, it's okay, I've already forgiven you, Y/N." He breathes, slightly swaying us. I pull back and look at him, the happy pattern of the quilt, coinciding with his serene expression, "Are you sure, Calum? You don't have to." He cocks his head, before shaking it. "Tell me exactly what you told me on your graduation." He demands softly. My face flushes, and I look down at my feet, "I can't live without you, Cal, You're my best friend and I love you lots. You... You're my other half, and you've brought me through so much-" "Stop." He demands then. I look back up at him, and his thumb strokes my cheek. He leans towards me, and my heart thumps in my chest. "Calum-what-what are you-" "You okay with this?" He murmurs, before his lips brush mine. My eyes flutter shut, and I nod. And that's when he kisses me.
"I love you, okay, Y/N? There's nothing that you can do to change that." He tells me, his forehead leaning against mine. "We shouldn't-I'm-" "Exactly what I want. That's what you are."
