woes | #wattys2016

endings

"the world is round, and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning."

— ivy baker priest

Now that it's over—that enough time has filled the gap between then and now—the regret that had choked me up now fled my skin every time I thought of him.

Which, unfortunately, was a lot.

I guess, on some fundamental level, I'm still not over it.

Almost a year later, and I'm here, festering in my own emotions and daring to spare him an extra thought, when I was the last thing on his mind.

You're still on the list, though.

I don't understand why, though; I called it off, hoping it would lead me onto the path of self-discovery, and, with enough time, a deeply ingrained love that nobody could take away from me—not even if I let them. And I'm just not there yet.

I should be the one frolicking in fields of daisies and sunflowers, the sunshine beating against my skin, and the skies whispering my name, awaiting my return to them.

But I'm not. And it isn't. And they aren't.

I'm here, in my room, peeking into the happy eyes and cheery smiles that he'd never shown to me.

But, maybe, he was never meant to.

Maybe, I wasn't the person who would sand off his edges as we merged together; independent enough to survive without each other, but only just. Maybe, he's already opened the door to the rest of his life, and I'm still ambling down the hallway, impatient for what's on the other side. Maybe, this is how things should have turned out.

Inhaling softly, I pulled my laptop shut, and closed my eyes, tapping against my thigh as I counted.

One.

I deserve someone who wants me.

Two.

I deserve to be happy.

Three.

And I deserve to find that happiness within myself—

Four.

—instead of the corridors of someone else's heart.

I exhaled, ceasing my counting as I opened my eyes.

I guess, some endings are beginnings. After all, if things can't shift into place, they'll slide until they do.

This is me, sliding past all the other pieces until the corners of where I belong reach out to me, pull me in, and swallow me whole.

Things like this are never meant to imprison you—they're there to change something within the very core of your being, for you to twist in a different direction and see things in a new light, for you to find the kind of confidence that breaks open doors and burns shackles.

They're meant to set you free, let you go off into the clouds and fall into the sky, exactly where you were meant to be.

xxx

so, this took 6 months to finish posting, but a year to complete. which, honestly, pisses me off almost as much as it gives me room to breathe.

i wrote this for a boy, as you've probably noticed already. he said he'd liked—maybe even loved—me, but never found the courage or the time to prove it. and, naturally, i'd given him more than enough of both. i'm still not sure if that's because i was craving the kind of love that he simply could not give me, or because i was just too willing to give him everything i had.

i stayed longer than i should have—in fact, i probably shouldn't have even been there to begin with. but i did, and while thinking about it still makes my heart twitch a bit, i've forgiven him. at least, i think i have.

now, i just need to learn how to forgive myself. i'm still not sure what that feels like, but when it happens, i'll let you know.

thank you so, so much for reading, voting and commenting on this. it really means a lot to me, honestly.

sorry for that whole sappy situation up there, but now you know my name and part of my story (or, at least, the inspiration behind this one). thank you again.

i love you.

- jay.

p.s: and to the boy who devastated me—you don't deserve to inspire me anymore.