anxiety ☹ cth

five

waking up for school for me can be almost unbearable sometimes, and i'm not just saying this because i'm a teenager in high school, but some mornings it's hell. i have been this way for awhile actually, my dad also did the same thing. it was kind of scary to see my dad going through his deep parts of depression, because i did not understand why he was so sad. depression was never explained to me clearly until after he died.

i just stayed laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling with a blank stare. i had no energy to even do anything.

i started to hear loud angry footsteps coming towards my room, so i forced myself to sit up and act like i was about to get ready.

"tylar it's 10 after 7! what are you doing?" mom yelled, while standing in my doorway.

my mom was always alert in the mornings, but then in the afternoon she was an emotional fucked up mess. she's honestly the most confusing person i know, and i kind of wish she would find herself some help, but of course she refuses.

"sorry mom, i-i overslept." i lied, hoping that she would believe me and walk away.

she sighed loudly. "tylar i know what you're doing and it's not going to work. get over it and get ready. NOW." she scolded, walking away quickly.

when my father would do things like this, she would be so understanding and try and comfort him the best that she could, but now when her only daughter is doing the same thing she turns mean. i don't get it.

even though i took a shower last night, i needed to take one again. showers really calm me down and it gives me time to really think about things, but sometimes thinking about certain things can be bad.

i walked to the cold bathroom, and shut and locked the door behind me. it was one of those mornings where i didn't even want to look at myself in the mirror, but of course i did.

dark circles were under my eyes, my skin was very pale, and my lips were dry and cracked. the typical tylar look.

my mom always told me that i have always been a pretty girl, but i don't believe it at all. i mean people in my life have told me that i was beautiful and always asked why i didn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend. personally i believe that beauty stems from the inside, not just the outside. i'm a complete mess on the inside with so many demons and problems. so i may be "beautiful" on the outside, but inside i'm horrendous.

i took of all my clothes, and turned on the shower. i watched for a minute as all the warm water starting spewing out.

i walked in, being careful not to slip and break my neck. i've actually slipped in the shower before and it was not a fun time.

the warm water was trickling down my small petite body, and i started thinking about bad stuff like usual. like how i could go grab my blade, slice upwards and just end it all. or i could just finish my shower, endure school, and deal with the same bullshit over again.

i started thinking about calum, and the way he looked at me yesterday. he looked at me like i was his girlfriend or something, or someone that he loved very much. it was odd, but made me feel very happy.

i finished my shower, got dressed, did something with my rat nest aka hair and headed downstairs.

a typical mother would be up and telling me that she loves me, and hopes that i have a good day at school, but no my mother went back to sleep, probably because she spent all night binge watching videos of my father.

i put in my headphones, and quickly picked a playlist before shutting the front door behind me.

it was the first day of october. which made me very happy. i have always been a big fan of halloween and anything that has to do with halloween. my dad was very passionate about halloween as well, and i think that's how i grew to love it so much. it brings so many good memories back of him. he would always take me to all the halloween stores, and he would always decorate my costumes for me, and always took me trick or treating, even if he was feeling extremely down. i miss him.