BBC Sherlock - Goat's Milk

John sat on the sofa, feeling miserable.

He never knew a day where he'd felt more depressed.

221b Baker Street was silent and empty. Or John wished it were.

The front door opened and closed, signalling his flatmate's return.

Sherlock Holmes bounded into the room.

"Just solved the case! It was the old woman we found stuck in the linen cupboard. She was trying to make her get away when she, well, went the wrong way"

Sherlock gazed at John,

"How was she?"

John looked up,

"What? What do you mean?"

"Your lady friend. You brought her back to the flat I perceive"

"What?"

"I can smell her perfume. Unless, you're wearing it,"

Sherlock leaned over John and sniffed. He pulled back, his eyes widening

"Are you?"

John sat up,

"No!"

"Oh, good, I thought for a moment there…" Sherlock cleared his throat

John sighed,

"No, no you're right, I brought a friend over"

"Just a friend?"

"Well, I can't hope for more now"

"Why not?"

John glared at Sherlock,

"Because, Sherlock, I thought I'd bring her here while you were out, so that you wouldn't do your thing,"

"What thing?"

"But, no, never bring anyone into the residence of Sherlock Holmes"

"Oh, dear, she didn't find–"

"The frozen brain, yes, Sherlock, she did"

"And the–"

"Goat's oesophagus, yes. And the cow tail in the bread maker"

"Well, as long as–"

"The worst part? She thought I lived alone"

"Oh dear"

"Yes, I forgot to mention you. And now she thinks I'm some psychotic wacko. I bet the police will be at our door any minute now"

Sherlock wandered into the kitchen.

"Maybe it was for the best," he called

"Why?! She was beautiful!"

"But even stupider than that Sarah character"

John got up from the couch and followed his flatmate.

"What do you mean?" he said angrily

Sherlock was peering into a glass he had found on the bench,

"Only an idiot would drink from a bottle with a note that says, 'Do Not Drink'"

John's stomach dropped,

"What bottle?"

"The bottle I told you to label two hours ago"

"Sherlock, I was out two hours ago"

Sherlock tittered,

"Oh, well, she's still an idiot. Who thinks diluted goat's blood is milk?"