My Beautiful Lies ( Currently on Hold)

Chapter 6

I'm telling you Olivia, its Crazy. One Moment I spilled a drink on her and the next moment, I can barely breath and I'm googling her like a teenager. Whats wrong with me? I sat there eagerly awaiting her reply, but instead of answering me, she broke out in hysterical laughter... Gee thanks.. You're supposed to be my best-friend I whined. Just remembering when I spilled the drink on Scarlette made my face flush.

" Look Amber, not trying to be mean here but face it....you're in a dying marriage and your horny." "That's all." Nothing more and nothing less." As Olivia spoke she almost sounded like she was trying to convince herself more so than me, but maybe that was my imagination...

" I mean when was the last time you and Nicholas actually even....you know did the deed?" She asked with a very serious face.

Seriously? I asked. That's what you come up with? Playfully I threw the couch pillow at her. Do you always think about sex? At least she made me laugh. This girl I swear, if shes not talking about sex , she's trying to have it.

I just don't think that's it. ..I mean, do you think I could be a lesbian Olivia?

If there is anyone who can make sense of this situation it's Olivia. Not only has she been my best friend since high-school but.. she's had her fair share of girlfriends and boyfriends. She's definitely the perfect person to talk to about this.

Olivia turned to me and grabbed my hand. " Have you ever thought you don't love Nicholas?" "I mean you didn't really even date him?" "Just give it some thought and see what you come up with." She said a little softer and without the humor in her voice.

I opened my mouth to reply but thought better of it. Instead of answering her, I decided to check my peanut butter cookies in the oven. Could Olivia be right? Maybe I don't really love Nicholas. I never really thought about it. I assumed that because I married him, that I love him. I mean our marriage has been under a lot of stress. With his late nights at the restaurant and disappearing acts, it's not like we've had a lot of time alone, in fact we hardly ever see each other anymore I thought sadly.

But I can't quite shake the feeling of somehow this was a little more then being horny. I can't ever remember a time I ever felt this way towards anyone much less a women. No, impossible I reasoned,I've always liked men.

"Umm...Oh my God Amber these are amazing, she said as crumbs were falling out of her mouth. " You really need to give me the recipe for this." Thinking that a change of topic would be good for her friend, Olivia asked, " Earth to Amber, so.. what happened with your grandfather and all?

I turned my attention back to Olivia and out of my own uncertain thoughts. Well... I talked to my grandfather and tomorrow I will start helping him at the store. I tried to smile I really did... but it was useless...

I Knew at any moment I was going to cry. I hate crying in front of anyone, even my best friend. I always felt that losing control of one's emotions was distasteful. I remember early on in my marriage, Nicholas once called me the Ice queen. After that I realized I should limit my contact with my mother as much as possible, it couldn't be healthy to suppress one's emotions all the time. Thanks to my mother.. I'm more messed up then I thought.

I couldn't help it, I started to tear up just thinking of my grandfather. Whats happening to me? I thought. First my mother coming back in my life telling me my grandfather was dying and now my sexuality was in question. Can my life get any crazier??

Without warning Olivia put her arms around me and pulled me into a warm hug. I lost it and just started sobbing uncontrollably in her arms.

"Hey it's going to be okay Amber, I'm here for you" She said hugging me closer. She started stroking my hair like a mother would do to a small child. "You don't have to be strong all the time" "It's OK to let it go hun."

For a few minutes I just let her hold me and I cried. Thank you Olivia, I said looking at her. I mean it, thank you for everything. Thank you for listening to my nonsense ramblings and thank you for just being here when I need it. 

Trying to hold back anymore tears that threaten to spill out, I put my face on her shoulder and she rocked me gently. I could almost fall asleep like this. It felt so good to be held. I cant even remember the last time someone held me. Not Nicholas nor my mother.

As she moved back and pulled slightly out of the embrace she cupped my face and held it while looking me straight in the eyes. She was so close that I could smell the peanut butter cookies she ate. For a minute I thought she was going to kiss me. ...She grabbed some tissues and wiped the tears off my cheeks. It's like she knew everything I was battling inside and she knew how to fix me in that moment.... 

Authors Notes:

Hmm.. Olivia... is that a crush you might have on Amber?