Distant Thoughts

Stay With Me

Guess it's true,
I'm not good at a one night stand.
But I still need love,
Cause I'm just a man.
These nights never seem go to plan.

I woke up from another nightmare again.
This time, it's you again
And you're on top of me, but we don't have to go there
We've been there a thousand times

Fast forward, quick, and you're saying, "I'm leaving you."
And I'm crying, begging you to stay,
But you slip through the cracks in my fingers again
And it's for her. Her. Her. Her. Her. Her.

It was supposed to be
It was supposed to be us
I love you
I love you,
It was supposed to be me.
It was supposed to be us.

I saved myself for you.
Why didn't you wait for me?

The word repeats in my head, like poison
Her. Her. Her. Her.
Who is she?
Does she know of me?
If I saw her, what would I do?
On repeat, and I can't breathe.

You always used to take my breath away.

I don't want you to leave,
Will you hold my hand?
Oh, won't you
Stay with me
Cause you're all I need.

Do you remember
Singing this to me,
Your hand on my waist, fingers in my hair,
Rotating slowly in a circle on the dance floor.
Tears fell from your eyes, and my breathing was jagged
Why did a few months pass by
And you left me.

My breathing stutters even now
Remembering your tears, the emotion in your words
Your shaking hands, tight around me.

And I'm shaking, and crying, all at once
I cannot breathe, not at all.

Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.
He's killed me thousands of times.
Why am I letting him take my life away again?

This ain't love,
It's clear to see
But darling, stay with me.

But it was love.
That was the point
You loved me, right?
"I love you even more now," you say now,

As I write those words
Something catches in my throat, and my voice cracks
On the other side of the phone, waiting on the other line
My best friend notices my pain
And she says, "Just cry.
He doesn't even know you're hurting, or how bad it is, or about the nightmares in which he is in that you wake up screaming and crying for him to come back home.
So just cry.
He'll never know anyway."

Why am I so emotional?
No, it's not a good look,
Gain some self control.
And deep down,
I know this never works.
But you can lay with me,
So it doesn't hurt.

That's just it
It does hurt, while I'm laying with you
Looking into your eyes
Hearing you say goodbye or goodnight
Is like hearing every goodbye ever said to me all at once
All the deaths, all the loss
All coming to the surface and I can't push it back down
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO TRY AND SUPPRESS YOUR FEELINGS
AND TELLING YOURSELF YOU'RE BETTER OFF DEAD
THAT NO ONE WOULD EVEN NOTICE ANYWAY?

You'll never know anyway
You don't know me at all,
You don't know my scars, you'll never see them
You don't even know they're there
You don't know that I still wake up crying over you, crying over us
Mourning the love that I have lost.
You're gone
That's the simple fact
You're here but you're gone
The boy I fell in love with has basically died,
And I don't know how you killed him
Maybe with all those drugs,
All that drinking.

Oh, won't you stay with me,
Cause you're all I need.
This ain't love,
It's clear too see.
But darling,
Stay with me.

"Stay with me
Stay with me
Come back
Come back
Stay
Stay
Stay
Stay
Stay
Go, get out
Leave me alone
I'm tired of this
I hate you, go away
Stop it
I love you.
Stay
Come back.
I love you.
I'm sorry."
How many times have I gone back and forth
Why can't I just be even
Why can't I just be normal
Why can't I just be gay
Why can't I just love her and see her and touch her
And feel her because she is home
And she does not hurt
She does not make me cry.

Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh, oh...

I'm dying.

Oh won't you,
Stay with me.
Cause you're
All I need.
This ain't love,
It's clear to see.
But darling...
Stay with me.

You're killing me again.

Oh won't you,
Stay with me.
Cause you're
All I need.
This ain't love,
It's clear to see.
But darling...
Stay with me.

I guess I'm letting myself die again.