Mischief Managed

27: (Before You're Even Gone)

It's killing me; missing you.

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It was January. Tuesday. 7:55 p.m.

The sun had set; the sky was muffled.

Sirius was next to me, twisting his hands with nervous anticipation.

8 more minutes. Then he would use the Floo Powder- that's what Dumbledore said.

A lonely Christmas tree was planted in the corner, its lights still drooping and sad. A week ago, presents were scattered beneath, but the holiday itself was horrible. Not entirely horrible. But mostly.

Because all I could think of on Christmas morning, when I woke up alone in a foreign hotel room; when I ate Christmas dinner without my parents for the first time; when I opened presents that weren't from Mum or Dad, was of how much I was missing. I just missed him. Them.

I would go home with my mum tomorrow, but I felt like our roles had been reversed. Suddenly I had the responsibilities. I had to fix what she had broken.

I felt Sirius's eyes on me, but I didn't look up. Some part of me felt guilty. He'd left behind his entire life to practically nurse me back to a meager state of psychological function. He'd given me some beacon of hope- more like a flashlight. Yes. Pinpricks of light.

Moments, I mean.

I'll be strong for you.

He hadn't been lying. Countless times he'd rushed into my room far past midnight to calm me after a nightmare. Had wrapped his arms around me, hugged my head to his chest. Murmured reassurances into my ear.

You're okay. You're okay. You're okay now.

I wasn't okay now. Because I still felt the tug of the emptiness, and the only force fighting against it was going to leave. I felt his absence already. It's like he was right there, right next to me, but the knowledge that he would leave had built a wall between us.

I didn't want to look up.

Flames flickered in the obsidian fireplace, dancers twirling on asphalt. The heat traveled up my black sweater sleeves, and my skin tingled with the warmth. I brushed my hair from my eyes then pulled my sleeves over my hands.

"I don't know if I'm ready to go back," Sirius confessed. His statement was sudden, and the flames in the fire seemed to pull back in surprise.

My fingers fiddled with the black threads from my sweater.

"Y-You'll see James, Peter, and Remus again," I said, hesitant. The thought of seeing their faces killed me a little. No. The thought of their faces seeing me killed me a little.

In his letters, Remus had expressed a near-brotherly amount of concern; he'd written messages such as "if you need someone, I'm here." or "we all love you, Bree."

I'll help you get through this.

I bit my lip.

"Mmm," agreed Sirius.

I felt his eyes on me again. Pity. And maybe something else.

"But I'm still worried about you."

I waved my hands.

"Don't worry about me," I said, scoffing. "I can manage."

"Without me?" Sirius asked, and I could feel his body tense.

"Yes," I said tightly.

He was quiet, and so was I. Thinking. I pictured myself this time tomorrow. Unpacking my things. Walking through my old house.

Oh Merlin.

My throat clenched and I felt my eyes moisten, but I was able to regain my composure within a few moments. My grief hadn't lessened of the past weeks. It was more like my ability to bear it had greatened.

"I can do this, Sirius," I told him. "You see...I- I can be strong for myself now. For my mum."

I could feel his pity again. It radiated off him in waves, and I couldn't stand it.

"She's- we're going to be fine. I'm sure she just needed some time to recover, but if not...I can help her. You helped me," I said.

The pity was gone, and instead his gaze was filled with something else.

I looked up at him. My stomach clenched as I noticed how breathtakingly beautiful he was. His hair was freshly-washed, and his black shirt outlined the muscles in his chest.

My lip trembled as this feeling, I miss you, rose and rose in my chest until I thought I would burst.

But I didn't. Suddenly, he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me towards him.

Before I could react, he pressed his lips to mine.

I didn't think. I just kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck, and letting my heart sing as the I miss yous burned and a warm, cinnamon feeling filled me instead.

I had dreamed of this moment for days, weeks, months, and now that Sirius and I were kissing...he cared about me...

We broke apart too soon.

We both jumped from the settee as the hardwoods shook beneath us. The obsidian quaked and the flames began to leap with a new urgency. 8:03 p.m.

Sirius walked to the edge of the fireplace. His expression was impossible to read- a furious jumble of shock, caring, dread. I sat on the settee, speechless, and I couldn't find any words.

My brain seemed to have stopped, all the wires cut, and I couldn't comprehend that...Sirius had kissed me.

"I guess- I guess this is goodbye for now," I stammered. A selfish part of me prayed for him to step back on the rug, to chuck the Floo Powder out the window. To bring his lips to mine again.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. He just felt bad for you. Nothing. More.

He nodded slowly. His forehead creased with thought, and shadows from the fire flickered across his face.

"Yeah...I'll...I'll write you, alright?"

I nodded briskly. "I'll write you too."

He grabbed a fistful of Floo Powder. Before he could throw it into the fireplace, I blurted, "Thank you, Sirius. For everything."

He nodded again. Grinned. "I'll tell everyone you say hello."

He dropped the powder into the coals. Then stepped inside. "See ya, Bree."

Then he was gone. Vanished.

I miss you I miss you I miss you.

Nothing. More.

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IMPORTANT A.N.- guys I am so sorry for the late update. I've been super busy (and also very much procrastinating) all week, so I wasn't able to get as much edited as I wanted by today. So, I've decided to upload 1/2 of the chapter today, and I'll upload the other half tomorrow.

I'll add it to this chapter or as a new chapter (a sort of Part 2). Anyways, I apologize again, but feel free to leave thoughts/comments/predictions!

Until tomorrow!