Cuckoo (Sequel to Outlaws Of Love)

Prologue

January 5, 2011

My wonderful Tommy,

I love you.

You don't know how much I miss you.

I have never felt this much pressure pushing on me before. The single mattress bed, nailed-to-the-ground desk and chair, plate-glass windows, metal door, and camera monitored room are a constant reminder of how much I screwed up, and what I did—well, tried to do—to get here. I mean, I'm a Class. Red! That's the worst of them all here. A single slipup and I get to go to Rehab for Suicidal Teens. Everything I do is another step onto thin ice, and I don't think it can hold my weight much longer. Nobody can save me...nobody but you. And you aren't here...

This will be the very first night that you will not be at my side. And I don't know what to do when I go in my bed and realize you will not be there with me. I feel scared, and the usual comfort of the darkness and silence is replaced with emptiness and my screaming thoughts in which I am releasing on this paper.

Please know that I do not write this to make you sorrowful, because that is the last thing I would wish, but instead take it as a window to my world. I write to express my feelings, and knowing that this will be held in your hands that I felt, read by your eyes that I love, and felt with your heart that I have gotten into is everything I need to keep me going. Just the fact that you will hear from me and know that I am doing okay.

I know that you worry, I know that you are sad and confused— I am too, but that doesn't mean you should be miserable thinking of me and not living your life. Take this from me; you cannot live with regrets or in worry because it will stop you from seeing the good things that have be graciously brought before you. The world can do terrible things, but it can also give extraordinary miracles. For me, it gave you.

You are the reason I am here—not as in this cage blocking the outside—but here as in here on Earth. You are the miracle that fate has chosen to save me from enemies, troubles, school, myself... You, Tommy, are the reason I live, the reason I breathe, the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I try—the only reason anymore...

So, please do not blame yourself for what I have been sucked into. It was my fault.

I want to tell you what was wrong but I can't—like, physically can't. I know you want answers, but some of your questions I simply cannot respond to because, well, I don't even know what the answer is. But what I do know is that I was wrong, so utterly wrong for trying to end myself. I shouldn't have been so selfish as to leave you when I know you love me. The truth wasn't that I didn't trust you, but was the fact that I didn't trust myself. I did not think that I could be worthy enough to be leaned on so much. In the past, I had done the same thing to someone who was not trustworthy (and who's name will NOT be mentioned), and they had let me down and let me fall. I didn't have faith in myself that I could meet your every expectation of me. My fear was that I couldn't make you as happy as someone else could.

Tommy, if only I could describe how I feel whenever you smile or laugh. It's like I go to a higher place, and everything that isn't jubilant goes away, leaving a safe haven of bliss.

And now the fear became the reality. I have disappointed you, stripped you from my protection, and broke our closeness with the miles that separate us. I'm sorry.

You want to know why I was acting like that, I understand. Everything just went by so fast that we couldn't just settle down and enjoy the marvel that had happened to us. We just dove into the pit of love and we couldn't get out. We couldn't grow. My head was clouded with the attention, and it didn't know how to act. And I didn't have a chance to really explain what was going on in my mind. Really it just kept jumping back to what happened before I met you, when my life was hell. It wouldn't let me forget the horrible times I wanted to let go of, and it made me relive them, over and over and over. It would just take what my life was now and make it into a replica of previous times, make me believe that my nightmares were true and that I couldn't wake up from them. They wouldn't leave...

But, now, they are just like static, making me think fuzzy and distorting reality. One thing that's always clear and sharp in my mind is you, however. I don't know of a single moment you aren't buzzing through my head. I can't get you out of my mind, and I won't; I don't want to. Nearly everything about here reminds me of you, though. I mean, even the name is Thomas Kingston, and every time someone says it, I'm instantly thinking of you, what you're doing, where you've been, and if you're thinking about me to. I know you will be when you get this, and even thinking of that makes my heart jump.

So, when you read this, know that I'll be waiting for you, that I'll be dreaming of that time when your lips meet mine again.

No matter what happens inside or outside of this place, nothing will stop me from getting to you again, Tommy. I will do whatever it takes to see you.

Baby, it's tough out there on our own. Except, we can get through this. I know we can. I know because it's me and you, Tommy. We've already fought so many battles and won, and it's made us strong. It's made us who we are. Although finding who we are may seem like a rough journey, there's always light at the end of a cave— and we'll find it.

Just please; promise that you won't give up on me.

With all of my aching heart,

Loving and missing you,

Adam