Haze / ✓

part II

It's three in the morning and I've never been so inspired.

I just came back from a run - I'm not sure how long I went for considering how meaningless time is to me at the moment - but I'm so inspired. I'm pacing around my room, fingers gripping the sides of my sweatpants, a million thoughts racing through my mind. I get a picture - a vision, an idea - and then I'm flipping over the back of my desk chair and opening up my computer, fingers impatiently tapping the desk as I wait for a new document to load.

It's been two weeks since I've been off the pills, and things have never been so amazing. So enlightening. My eyes are open and I love it. The pills were holding me back, and it's so evident now that I wonder why I ever allowed them to restrain me. I've never felt so free - so smart, so open to the true workings of my mind.

I groan in annoyance at the pinwheel on my screen, a half-completed document resting on the screen in front of me. I slam the top of my laptop down and pull open drawers, laughing when one drawer completely slides out of the desk and falls onto the floor, papers and objects rolling out of it like ideas are practically rolling out of me. I pull open a bottom drawer and rip out a notebook, tearing open to the first page.

There's a pan in between my fingers and my hand is sweeping across the page, ink spilling out words before my mind has time to process what exactly they mean. I'm not too sure what I'm writing - maybe an action, a thriller, maybe a play - but I know it will be amazing. I know what is coming from me is going to be phenomenal.

I'm grinning, and I can't help it when I reach for my phone and unlock it, going to my contacts. In this very moment, I know I am brilliant. I know I am far above everyone else. My mind - what I'm tapped into right now is so far above everything else. I need to share it. I need to share the ideas running through my mind, the solutions, the ideologies that could become something so much more. I need to share it.

I push my notebook back and stand up, stumbling over my chair and feeling a swell of rage in my chest. I grip my phone tightly with one hand and kick my chair, narrowing my eyes when it slams into my bookshelf, effectively causing books to tumble onto the floor. I just turn and push open my bedroom door, taking the steps two-at-a-time until I'm downstairs.

I don't have many friends. I don't talk to most of my friends from high school, and college has been too time consuming to focus on widening my friend circle. But I have one friend - a best friend, and I'm calling him before I really have time to think about whether he's up or not.

"Come on," I mumble, walking into the kitchen and flicking on the light. My whole body tingles with inspiration, and I walk over to the fridge, slamming my palm against the metal when the phone continues to ring, "Come on!"

"Jeff?" Liam's tired voice sounds through the phone and I grin, pushing back from the fridge and hopping up onto the edge of the counter. I nod as an answer, realizing Liam can't see what I'm doing a second too late, "Jeff, you there?"

"I've got it," I say, a laugh accompanying my words. I can't help but laugh loudly, the understanding and euphoria I'm feeling making me feel so confident. So happy. My laughter dies down, but I'm still grinning when I clear my throat and continue, "Liam, I've got it. I understand it. Everything! All of it just makes sense now."

There's a pause, and I wonder why anyone would try to keep this part of me closed down. I wonder why anyone would take pills to shut this part of them down. Who wouldn't want to feel this inspired? Who wouldn't want to feel like they could do it all? To know they could do it all? All my life people have tried to shut down my bipolar, but they shouldn't. They don't understand what I feel.

They don't get it.

"You get it?" Liam says finally, voice laved with such obvious confusion that I can't help but throw my head back and roll my eyes, wishing he just got it like I did, "What'd you get, man?"