Fifty Shades of Boo: A Grey Halloween

A Beast By Any Other Name

Part One

"That's not the Beast, that's Chewbacca!" I say to Taylor, who's holding up the mammoth wooly Halloween costume in front of my desk at my office. Costume is putting it lightly. That's like saying Big Foot is fun sized like those candies the kids will get trick-or-treating tonight. I can barely see Taylor past the ratted tufts of what's supposed to be fur but looks more like shreds of old rug a dog went to town on. How the fuck can I walk the neighborhood in that thing? "I specifically ordered Beauty and the Beast costumes for tonight, not Star Wars!

"This is what they sent over."

"That's not an acceptable answer."

I buzz Andrea out front.

"Yes, Mr. Grey?" Andrea doesn't hesitate to answer. I like that in employees; I have a zero hesitation clause. Especially in response to my buzzing.

"Andrea, get me the costumer on the line."

"What customer?"

"Cos-tu-mer!" I say louder and with syllabic definition. "The Halloween guy." He came with the highest recommendations and referrals. Supposedly the mayor uses him, although I've never seen the mayor dress up as anything other than an asshole in public. Perhaps he does more private engagements. I didn't delve further.

"Right away, Mr. Grey."

I hang up and turn back to Taylor.

"They're similar, sir," Taylor says, looking the thing straight in the jaw. If I didn't know any better I'd think it was attacking him.

"They're not similar! The beast is much better looking and he has classical training."

"Maybe he just appears different in person, sir."

"I've watched that movie with Phoebe 127 times! I know my beast!" Phoebe requested that Ana and I go as these characters. I don't want to disappoint her.

"That was a cartoon. Real life is different, sir." Thank you, Taylor for that life lesson. Why the fuck does he sound like Flynn?

"He has no clothes! I can't go around the neighborhood asking for candy as a naked Beast!"

"I don't remember what he wears."

"It's famous! That blue tuxedo jacket with the tails that he waltzes around with Belle in."

"Does he wear pants?"

"Of course he does. It's a Disney movie."

"Donald Duck doesn't wear pants."

"What the fuck is your point?"

"Animals don't always wear pants in these things."

"Well I'm sure as hell going to wear pants!" He nods profusely in agreement. "Besides, he's not an animal, he's a man caged in a beast's body who just needs the love of a good woman to set him free before all the petals on his flower fall off."

"It is a lovely story, sir."

"I told you I saw it 127 times." And I lived it once upon a time.

"I'll find the correct clothes."

"Don't bother. It won't matter."

"Why's that, sir?"

"Because it's not the Beast, it's Chewbacca!" I grab the costume and shake it for dramatic effect.

Andrea buzzes me and I answer.

"Yes?"

"Gunther Imperial is on line one."