Letters To....

Everything That I Have Written About You

How many times have I sat here in front of the computer trying to write this down? How many times have I started writing only to delete everything and walk away? How many times am I going to repeat the same process over and over? Until I can find the right words to say, and I'm guessing that's going to be never.

Hell, I've tried to write this thing time and time again and I still don't know where it's going. I'm just typing as I go. Making up the words as I go. But I mean I guess it doesn't matter since you're never going to see this. I don't know honestly. I don't know if you're ever going to see this, probably not, but when and if you do see it, please don't hate me for the words I'm about to say, well, type.

Honestly, over these past few months of me and you talking, so much has happened. Feelings have come, confessions have been made, tears have definitely been here. There's just so much that has happened between us. I've made mistakes, you've made mistakes; sometimes we hate each other, other times we love one another; we're completely opposite, but exactly the same.

(This one had gone uncompleted.)
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Congratulations, you caught his attention. He's fascinated by you and only you. You make him beyond happy, something I could never do. I could understand why. You're absolutely amazing. He deserves someone like you. Someone to take care of him.

You got someone so many people are after. Make sure you don't screw it all up. You'll regret it a lot. More than words would ever be able to explain.

Now, I'm not going to hate you, that'd just be childish. Just tell me a few things,

How does it feel to be adored by him?

How does it feel to make someone who was so broken fixed?

How does it feel to take someone who meant the entire world to me away?

How does it make you feel? Happy? Ecstatic? Proud? I don't know. I won't ever know. He meant the entire world to me, but he didn't want me. He wanted you. And only you.

The only thing I ask of you is to not hurt him. Please. He's had enough of people telling him that he's not good enough. That he's not what they want. He's tired of hurting people, especially since he doesn't even mean to do it. It kills him when he does so.

How well do you actually know him though? Do you know about the way he constantly teases me because of my stupid obsessions? Or the way his smile can just bright up anyone's day? Or how about the things that he's been through that no one else knows about? What about the way his nose crinkles in disgust? His little quirks that a lot of people have fallen in love with? Just tell me how well you actually know him.

I can't compete with you. I never have been able to do such a thing. You make him happy, I don't. You tell him sweet things that I was too afraid to say. You're not me. You're you. Someone who he loves, unlike me.

So, congratulations, you're adored by him. I hope you're happy. I hope you realize how special you are for getting his attention. And I really hope you know that if you break him, the second I find out, you will regret it so fucking much.

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I don't know what I'm doing or writing here. It's just that today has been awful. I wanted to fix everything. You didn't though. I don't blame you. You hate me now, and it hurts a lot. I didn't think that we would only spend a short time in each other's lives. Only about half a year.

I'm going to be honest here, I'm a bitch. An absolute bitch. There's not more to it. I've lied about almost my entire life to you, but you forgave me for some odd reason to which I will never know. I've hurt you time and time again, yet I'm the one who walked away in the beginning. I walked away from the best thing that's happened to me.