Short Stories

F Love

When I said I love you. I meant it. Every breath, every word, every emotion, all of it. Some people throw that sentence around like its a baseball. From the moment we started talking we hit it off. You shared your love for music and the band you later got me addicted to; Pvris. I listen to them on repeat because it reminds me of you. You had me listen to all your favorite songs from different bands. I guess it was then that I had decided I started to like you. No one had ever done that with me before.
You understood me, you checked up on me, you listened to my pointless rants at the end of the day. You showed me what loving and caring for someone is really all about. You did what no one else has ever cared to do; love me.
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Then we went on our first date in July. God, you're beautiful in pink, even though you hate it so. The first time I had actually heard you talk I was drawn to the way your mind forms sentences. I was drawn to the slight broken girl behind the words she spoke with such truth. I could see the pain in your eyes. You had recently been really hurt and I wanted nothing more than to get your mind off that for just one night.
I took you to SLC, to the look out point behind the capital. You told me you hated the fact that we were about to do a not-so-easy hike in the dark. I felt like shit because I didn't have a back up plan. But the moment we got to the top, no beauty but yours could ever compare to that sight. It was magnificent.
You brought your guitar. I brought my stories. I had you read them, before anyone else ever had. I was so afraid. So afraid you'd tell me they weren't good. All because the way you write is so mesmerizing. I knew mine would never compare. You told me you liked them. Then you started to play and sing for me. In that moment I wanted to grab your face and pull you in, but I was too much a chicken.
So I just looked around in the night at the passing people wondering what they thought. As I began to slowly freeze in the brisk night's air, we scooted ever so slowly towards each other. My heart was pounding, I hadn't ever been so nervous.
"Gahl, Taylee, this is your first date with a girl. You have to kiss her. Just do it." Kept racing through my mind. And then you touched my face and you were warm, we held each other and just talked. It was really beautiful. Then you pressed your cheek against mine, then your lips against my cheek, then your cheek, and then your lips, again and again.
"Ah, fuck it," as I grabbed your face and pulled you in for the very first kiss I ever had with a girl. Hoping in that moment I'd realize I didn't want to be with a girl ever again, just guys. My answer was the complete opposite.
"Dang, you drive on both sides of the road, Tay."
___________________________Now, November, picture a depressed, 17 year old girl, curled up in a blanket staring at her phone waiting anxiously for a reply she may never get. Only seconds before did she tell you that she was in love with you. Knowing perfectly well that you are in love with someone else. Knowing that you didn't feel the same, but you deserved to know.
You had a mental breakdown.
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I, that 17 year old dumbass girl shoved you over the edge when I told you how I really felt. I screwed you over. Whether you'll admit to it or not, it was my fault you had that break down.
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Ever since you've been different. But how can I blame you? I ruined the friendship we had. You friendzoned me long ago. Why'd I think things would be different now? I wish I never told you. Because I miss the friendship we had.
You won't let me in anymore. You're secretive. You're even more depressed and I feel like I contributed to that pain. I never wanted any of this. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted...
I can't blame you. It's my fault. You've chosen multiple other people over me. Why'd I even try? I guess I just wanted you to know. I wanted you to know the truth. I never kept anything from you. I can't go a day without checking up on you now. I just need to know you're still here, still kicking. Because oh lord, you worry me so much. I know you want to leave, I hope you don't. We made a deal, you leave, I leave. I leave, you leave. "You go, I go." I'm sticking to it. I'm afraid one day it might come and you actually do get to that edge. I hope and pray it doesn't..
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I never wanted to hurt you. But I truly feel that that's all I ever do anymore. I cause you pain and I can't live with that anymore. That's why I'm going to leave.  I'll go quickly and quietly. No need to worry. I'll be gone soon, I promise. Just like I know you want. But I'll always be one phone call away if one day you need me. I'll always love and care for you.
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I just don't deserve someone as lovely as you. I guess, I just don't deserve love, from anyone. Especially you.

- TAC