Broken Butterfly

Before You Start

After an uneventful 12 hour shift at work, I walked back into my apartment, setting my bag and keys down on the table and hanging up my jacket on the coat stand next to it. I'm exhausted, it's just gone 3AM, life of a surgeon though, right? My stomach's growling at me but I just ignore it - as usual. I've got to get some sleep, I have to be back at 12 PM later today. Yay. That means I've got 9 hours until I have to be back. I walk into my bedroom and take off my clothes. I set my alarm on my phone for 9 AM, that should give me just enough time to get ready and travel back to the hospital. I do like work though, well apart from that last shift. Work brings distraction. I mean, I'll often be in the O.R. for hours on end and doing consults and charting. That hardly leaves any time for thinking about anything else.

"Grey, go check on Paisley in 2219." Arizona yelled down the hall at Lexie Grey I think as she walked into the attendings lounge. I stood at the side, I'd been feeling dizzy since I got to work this morning so I'd decided to make a small cup of coffee. Arizona sat down behind me, next to her wife, Callie.
"Do you think Owen and Cristina will stay together long?" Callie asked Arizona. I kinda wish I wasn't here right now, but if I left now, I'd have Arizona running after me again. So I continue to brew my coffee and as much as I try to drown out their conversation, I still hear most of it.
"Well, they seem strong."
"Yeah, but there's still so much... Tension..."
"That's a good point." I feel my eyes watering up. Just them talking about Owen's love life makes me think about my pathetic existence.
"She's so work-driven."
"And he's more... Family driven."
"Teddy, what do you think?" Callie asked me. I stayed fiddling with my coffee cup in a feeble attempt to look like I'm busy. Then I realised, my special sweeteners were on the table behind me. I quickly turned around and reached over the table to grab them, desperately trying to avoid eye contact with them both. In turning back I accidently look at Arizona and she's looking at me. I turn around as quickly as possible, continuing with pouring my cup of coffee.
"Teddy... Are you okay?" She asks. I rub my hand in my forehead and reply with a unconvincing voice.
"Yes." I pause for a second, "how are you two?"
"We're just wondering if Cristina and Owen will last." Callie replied, laughing. I fake a laugh.
"I don't know, maybe?" I say, attempting a laugh on the last words. Then my pager goes off. Thank goodness for that. I look at it, it's Kepner paging me from the E.R. I leave my cup of coffee on the side and head for the door.
"Teddy...?" Arizona says.
"Sorry, gotta go." I say, avoiding the inevitable questioning from her.

I arrive in the E.R., I scan the room, looking for Kepner. I finally see her at bed 3. I walk over and tap her lightly on the shoulder.
"Where'd you want me?" I asked. She turned around and looked at me weirdly.
"Oh right!" She says, "yeah I kinda paged you by accident, sorry." Seriously?! I think, but at least it got me out of answering Arizona's questions.
"Oh okay, thanks anyway." I say. As I turn around, I see a gurney being rushed to the elevator.
"Altman! Follow us up!" Owen yells. I run to catch up with them and slide into the elevator just as it's closing.
"What we got?" I ask, tying my hair up and trying my best to forget earlier.
"16 year old female, brought into the E.R. after fainting. She is suffering from severe malnutrition and dehydration. We did an EKG and it shows her heart has just about giving up, we're rushing to surgery now to try and stabilise her heart. The mother thinks she's on non-prescription laxatives also." I struggle for breath suddenly and think about what I could possibly do to get out of this. Having a patient suffering like this, like me, and operating with Owen, I just can't do it.
"Can we paige Davis to do it?" I ask.
"What? Why? And no, he's out sick." Owen replied, a questioning look on his face.
"How about Thomas?" I ask, again.
"In surgery already. Teddy, come on, you're not doing anything right now." Just as he said that, the elevator doers opened and the staff rushed the gurney out of the elevator and into OR 3. Owen heads into the scrub room, along with Grey. I draw in a deep breath and follow them in.

Hours in, Meredith and Owen start a conversation.
"Who would do this to themselves?" Meredith asks.
"Someone who's emotionally unstable." Owen replies. I just try to focus on what I'm doing.
"But I mean, who in their right mind, would starve themselves?!"
"That's the thing though, they're not in the right mind."
"What on earth could they possibly gain from doing that to themselves, it's basically just a death wish." That's it, I've had enough now, I can't work, I can't focus, I can't think whilst they're having discussions like that.
"Maybe she's suffering from other mental disorders," my voice starts off quiet, "that no one whom she would think cares about her have picked up on making her think that's she's not wanted or loved. And maybe she's fallen in love with a guy who she knows will never love her back until she's skinny or believing that she incapable of ever being loved by anyone. Maybe she likes the hunger pains that feel like they're ripping apart her stomach because it gives her some sort of feeling of self control in her messed up, torn apart, pathetic excuse of a life." I stop, take a breath and realise what I've just said. Crap. Crap. Oh fuck what do I do now. The entire OR staff are looking straight at me, as well as Owen and Meredith. I place my needle and thread down on the tray. "Somebody paige Davis or Thomas to take over." I say, walking towards the door, tearing off my gown and gloves. As I walk out I slide my scrub cap of my head and walk down the corridor wondering what the hell I just did.

I'm lying on the top bunk of an on-call room playing with a strand of my severely damaged hair and thinking. What the hell did I do in that OR... Well I asked Owen to find someone else... Oh that's no excuse. My pager bleeps. Fuck. Derek wants me in his office now. What did Owen say to him? I guess there's only one way to find out. Walking down to his office I decide what I'm going to say. I walk into his office as confidently as possible. Owen's here.
"Teddy, take a seat." Derek says, gently, as if I'm a scared, abandoned child.
"Why?" I ask, bluntly, folding my arms across my chest. Derek sighs.
"In the OR today-" he starts, but I cut him off.
"Before you start, I resign."