Suicdal risk (on-hold)

Pain can be overwhelming and hard to contain.

Mum said she would call at 7 so I wouldn't worry, mainly because I suffer with anxiety. It is now 9 on the dot and not a message, I called her 17 times and I am now on the verge of an anxiety attack. I call my sisters phone, I tell myself she only just got it she might not be able to answer it. She got it for her 14th birthday present yesterday. She wanted to go on a holiday at sea but I get sea sick so i had to stay home. Add that to the list of my special crap.
My phone rang, I was so worked up all I did was stutter when I answered the phone. It was the police telling me a lot of stuff at once, he spoke so fast I couldn't register what he was saying. I made him repeat a lot of what he said again until I figured out what was going on, then I said quickly with a stutter on every word.
" there dead, in a car accident they... They got hit.... Off the.. Road"
Tears escaped and ran down my cheek, within minutes my sandy brown hair was soaked. Anxiety taking its toll I considered Suicde , to end my pain. The police officer yelling on the phone telling me my sister is in a coma and I needed to keep it together, when he finally got through to me and I screamed. He told me to breath and said he was sending someone to me so I couldn't kill myself. Problem was me and sister never got along, that meaning she would throw things at me and threaten me if she didn't get her on way. It happens so regularly that my anxiety has become regular, my mother was always able to help me and now she's gone. Being 5 years older than my sister I should be able to handle myself, but I can't which just annoys me even more.